November 2, 2013 at 3:37 am #16439
I am new to this and I am still a bit hesitant but here it goes. I feel totally lost, I am dealing with an eating disorder that I have fallen back into. It is taking everything I have to just wake up and get through the day, I feel like I am counting the minutes until I can just fade away. I love everything about life and right now I feel like I really do not care to deal with anything. I wish I could just disappear and let go…guilt holds me back. I have a hard time communicating my feelings so I write…I hope that is okay…
Gracefully you float, weightless you seem
If only they could see the endless inbetween.
Dancing so dangerously close,
to the beautiful edge
only murmurs, and quick glances
Whispers and guessing games
Someone? Anyone? Fools! How can you not see?
what lurks beneath the surface,
Pulled taught and straight,
not a hair out of place
Invisible demons pull, rip, drag and tear
Still smiling, laughing, dancing, stake stuck in the ground
Faster and faster still, manic cracking sound,
Invisible strings twitch
Silent screams, raging creeping, crawling under, threatening the still surface
Quiet ripples flow
My heart aches and it hurts to sing
Running and running, leave it all behind
Circles spinning, slipping slowly to the ground
Creatures clutching on, holding on
WON’T LET GO!!!
Pushing scratching twisting screeching
Still they hold, desperate now
Eyes wide grinning, realize
Driven, determined, water rushing over me
Sanity Lost In a dreaming state,
body never really quite awake.
Bones wrapped up in transparent skin
Hollowed eyes and paper thin
Stare up at me, question me… they never came, you waited too long,
Turning to stone, frozen in place
Forever waiting for a warm embrace.
Never to come to you, so perfect, blood red lips, bright blue eyes
These violent thoughts, broken body cast aside
This useless body keeping you, pulling you down
Keep moving on to higher ground
Eyes blank and staring,
Violent eyes, knowing eyes, cruel cold and calculating
Every little inch, every little broken piece.
Lost hopes, forgotten promises once loved dreams drift away
Far away voices try to save you, but it’s not okay
Water rushing in filling your mouth, your eyes
Reflection looking up at me, wavering, fragments
November 4, 2013 at 5:49 am #18950
Sparrow, you leave me speechless. I had to think about your writing for a while before I could feel at all ready to approach answering you, because I found it so evocative and moving. I’m glad that you reached out here, and that you shared your writing, because I think that you brought to life some huge emotions here. I can hear that you’re feeling really low right now, and that you wish to be able to float away from the pain of it all. You say that you’ve fallen back into the eating disorder, and I get the impression that that “relapse” has triggered some really sad and dark feelings for you, and has left you feeling like someone other than yourself, since you say that you normally love life, and yet find yourself wanting to slip away from it all… I’m imagining that you’re feeling really hopeless and helpless right now, in the face of the thoughts and feelings that are running through your mind.
There are a few themes in your writing that seem to have particular strength. First, I hear a lot of pain because of a disconnect that seems to exist between you and everyone around you — you mention “far away voices”, and these lines in particular make it sound like you’re fighting a battle that nobody else seems to notice because they only see the very outer layer: “Gracefully you float, weightless you seem / If only they could see the endless in between.” I can imagine that you feel really isolated and alone with the heavy emotions that you carry every day.
I also notice that it sounds as though there are battles constantly being waged in you, and that the terrible spectres and creatures that exist there are causing so much tension and pain that it seems sometimes like you’re drowning with it. I can hear a profound sense of being separated from reality and a sadness of the loss of dreams and hope as you remain frozen in a painful place that nobody else can see or understand.
There are so many strong emotions, and yet also an engulfing numbness present in your words, Sparrow. You mention that it feels like things have changed and where you used to love life, you now yearn for relief from it. Guilt has held you back, you say…but I’m wondering if you’re thinking now about ending your life?
I’m glad that you have come here to share your words and experience with us. Please continue to use the forum whenever you want, and know that you can also chat live with us any night(6-11pm PST).
The Support Team
November 5, 2013 at 4:10 am #18952
Thanks I find it hard to express the depth of the darkness in a normal conversation, nothing seems to show how deep the hurt is, so I write. The thoughts of suicide do go through my mind but they scare me, I don’t like the idea of them because I know I love life and I know I would regret it, but the idea of silencing all of this noise in my head…I would not say I am suicidal. I am talking because I don’t want to end my life, I am grasping onto anything I can to keep me sane. I am just really low and sad. I feel like I am a robot just going through the day before I can get home and break down. Tears flow constantly, my favourite part of the day is going to sleep or my run. I used to love school but I can barely get myself out of bed and out of my house, whenever I can miss I do. I feel like I have failed everyone. I just have nothing left to give.
November 7, 2013 at 3:40 am #18953
The bars cast shadows along the floor
Dust motes float in rays of sunlight
Swirling as if conducting their own dance
She sat in the corner
Mesmerized, watching the tiny beings
Move freely in the light
Half smiling half crying she starts
Voice lost in the dark
Smothering the fading day
The cool night air
You are not alone child
Someday, someone will come for you
Moonlight casting pictures
On the walls
Splattered like paint
Mosaic of colours
Imagination of an innocent
Pushed to far
Over the edge, lost in the noise
Quickly rebuild her, make her new
Hide her, no one can know
Lock her up and loose the key
Let her loose her mind in secret
Don’t worry child we will come
You will see freedom’s glow upon your face
Past the bars
She starts to sing
November 9, 2013 at 3:44 am #18956
Sparrow, you have such a beautiful way with words…that poem gave me goosebumps. I can hear in it your longing for peace in your world, and freedom from the thoughts and emotions that are tormenting you. Thank you so much for sharing.
I get the sense you feel shackled by your sadness right now, unable to find the energy to face most days let alone enjoy them. It sounds like rather than finding comfort in the thoughts of suicide, you feel tormented by those thoughts as they remind you of how low you have become and cloud your vision of what it is about life that you love.
I’m guessing that because talking about your feelings is so difficult for you, you are also quite isolated with your sadness. Is there anyone in your life who knows what you are going through right now? I’m really glad you can express yourself through your poetry, and we hope you will continue to come here and share when you need to channel some of that energy into verse.
Take care, Sparrow
the Support Team
November 10, 2013 at 4:56 am #18958
I am so worn out from this faÃ§ade I put on for everyone. I just want to throw my hands up in the air and say fuck it and fuck everyone, I am not perfect and I just want to be, I just want to live. I know I have so much to offer but I keep sabotaging myself. I want to be able to not care. Yes I have some really awesome people fighting in my corner, without them I don’t know what I would do. To just come and talk here helps a lot, to have no one know who I am I feel so much freedom, especially with my writing. Today was a better day.
One by one the mountains fold, like cards in a deck
Black streamers line the ceiling, flowers by the bed
The music echoes through the empty hearts as sorrow fills their souls
Grey eyes burn in torment as dust turns to ash
Lifelike figures dance upon the walls
Shadows in this waking world, lost without the ache of hope
promise me strength, promise me light
You are my saving grace
my last grip on reality
tears quietly streaming, anguish flowing,
from every pore of your existence
the bright florescent lights cast disfigured limbs into mirrors
Grace has forgotten the hopeless, the desperate the disheartened
the truth is crawling through the cracks, stumbling up from below the deck
I miss feeling
So peaceful after
November 11, 2013 at 6:35 am #18960
It seems like you’re feeling completely confined by the way that people see you, and the way that you have to act to be who they expect. The pressure from that expectation sounds intolerable, and I get the sense that as you keep fighting to live despite it, you’re feeling very worn down. It sounds like there’s one part of you that can’t stand the thought of letting people see behind the mask you wear- for fear of letting them down? — while another part wishes to throw off the shackles, and bare your truth to the world and just not care what anyone sees there.
Your poems, this one included, contain a lot of hints at things being hidden, or obscured, and I can hear how some of those themes are painfully present with you every day, so that you end up feeling a vast chasm between your emotional self and the things that are going on around you. It sounds like being seen and being invisible, all at the same time.
This most recent poem seems to say a lot about the push and pull of pain and salvation, of light and dark, with poor truth crawling through the cracks. I can hear how hard it is to find that thread of truth, especially when you’re exhausted from searching.
I’m glad that you find this to be a place where you can explore ideas and share your writing.
-The Support Team
November 13, 2013 at 6:27 am #18962
I have not had someone who can see so much of what I trying to say and understand those feelings. I went to my first anorexics and bulimics anonymous meeting tonight and was amazed at how at ease I felt in the environment. It was better than what I had pictured in my head and I am glad I went despite being petrified. The suicidal thoughts are fading slowly, I finally had tea at my really good friends house that I had not really spoken to in a couple months which is weird because we are in the same classes, which shows how out of it I have been. I am slowly regaining myself as I build these supports around me. just wanted to thank you guys for being there for me it is still a battle but I am starting to see a light and I am actively trying to get there, I will just keep working away.
November 15, 2013 at 1:40 am #18963
Thank you for your kind words Sparrow,
I’m so glad that you had a positive experience seeking out support despite your initial misgivings. I can’t imagine how terrifying it must have been to step into that room when you had such a clear picture of all the ways it could have gone so wrong. Feeling comfortable in spite of those fears must have been such a pleasant relief.
It’s amazing how something so simple like having tea with a friend can really bring you back into yourself and lend you some much needed hope in a time of darkness. I can hear how this experience really illustrated for you how removed you’ve been from your world and the people around you.
It sounds like you’re reconnecting with yourself and the world around you in multiple little ways that are combining to improve your outlook on life and to decrease the thoughts of suicide. Your sense of strength and determination is truly inspiring and I’m honored we’ve been able to provide you with support. Know that you can write to us anytime on the forum with whatever you are feeling.
We’ll be here for you as you fight your own personal battle,
The Support Team
November 18, 2013 at 5:03 am #18967
I think I got ahead of myself. I am back feeling pretty shitty and I am scared that I am going to stay in this forever or long enough to where I have destroyed everything of myself. I feel like I am dying, or just floating through life. The eating disorder* is so volatile * and I am so tired of it. It has totally consumed me and I just want out of this viscous cycle I have created for myself. I am at a loss…
The darkness is falling and the men are coming
With their pins and needles and sickly sweet smiles
You better get running
The water is flooding and the secrets are gushing
They are coming for you with cages and chains
You better get running
They are creeping and crawling, popping and snapping
Draining the colours and whitewashing your world
You better get running
Blinding and corrupt they keep trudging
Menacing and quite they, sneak, hide and seek, slowly they peek
You better be running
Grace and mercy they don’t speak
Straightjackets out and ready to play, sinister giggles echo about
By God You better be running!
Run, run, run away as fast as you can …
You can’t catch me…
*Edited by the Support Team to remove triggering content
November 19, 2013 at 7:20 am #18969
Sometimes we fall back a bit when we’re trying to pull ourselves up. I can imagine that you might feel particularly low right now because you felt like you were doing better, and then had it crash down around you. To put it another way, the darkness must be even harder to take when you remember seeing light so recently.
I’m sorry to hear that things feel really bad again, and that now there’s this extra fear- the fear of wondering if this is something that you can’t escape. I can only imagine how terrifying it seems to you that this darkness is sucking everything that you associate with your SELF out of you.
It sounds like you’ve found yourself back in the thrall of the eating disorder, and discovered, much to your terror, that it has a lot more power than you want to think it does. I get the impression that this discovery has left you feeling incredibly helpless and hopeless. What has helped you, if anything, to deal with the eating disorder in the past?
The tone of this most recent poem – to me – is a great deal more frantic and foreboding than those that you have shared before, and it seems like it probably mirrors your thoughts and feelings right now, where you feel like the pain is unmanageable and it’s leaving you agitated and fearful about what the future might hold. The men that are coming seem very menacing — does that echo your worry that you might end up treated by the medical system in a way that takes away your control? I’m guessing that right now, it seems like there are few good roads out of this pain, and I wonder if it has brought the thoughts of suicide floating back up in your mind?
Know that this is a safe place for you to talk about exactly how you’re doing, Sparrow. I’m glad that you reached out again when you needed to talk about these feelings. We are here for you.
The Support Team
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