Sparrow, you leave me speechless. I had to think about your writing for a while before I could feel at all ready to approach answering you, because I found it so evocative and moving. I’m glad that you reached out here, and that you shared your writing, because I think that you brought to life some huge emotions here. I can hear that you’re feeling really low right now, and that you wish to be able to float away from the pain of it all. You say that you’ve fallen back into the eating disorder, and I get the impression that that “relapse” has triggered some really sad and dark feelings for you, and has left you feeling like someone other than yourself, since you say that you normally love life, and yet find yourself wanting to slip away from it all… I’m imagining that you’re feeling really hopeless and helpless right now, in the face of the thoughts and feelings that are running through your mind.
There are a few themes in your writing that seem to have particular strength. First, I hear a lot of pain because of a disconnect that seems to exist between you and everyone around you — you mention “far away voices”, and these lines in particular make it sound like you’re fighting a battle that nobody else seems to notice because they only see the very outer layer: “Gracefully you float, weightless you seem / If only they could see the endless in between.” I can imagine that you feel really isolated and alone with the heavy emotions that you carry every day.
I also notice that it sounds as though there are battles constantly being waged in you, and that the terrible spectres and creatures that exist there are causing so much tension and pain that it seems sometimes like you’re drowning with it. I can hear a profound sense of being separated from reality and a sadness of the loss of dreams and hope as you remain frozen in a painful place that nobody else can see or understand.
There are so many strong emotions, and yet also an engulfing numbness present in your words, Sparrow. You mention that it feels like things have changed and where you used to love life, you now yearn for relief from it. Guilt has held you back, you say…but I’m wondering if you’re thinking now about ending your life?
I’m glad that you have come here to share your words and experience with us. Please continue to use the forum whenever you want, and know that you can also chat live with us any night(6-11pm PST).
The Support Team