I’m happy that you found us, even if it felt sad to have to google your support (which I understand, although I think there’s a flip side to the coin as well — there are a lot of people online, and Google lets us connect).
It sounds like you reached out at this time because things are feeling more intense than they ever have before. It worried you that you harmed twice — and made you wonder if the feelings you’re having are getting worse. I can hear the fear in those words, like you’ve been walking a tightrope, and you’re wondering if you’re about to fall now.
It sounds like you’re both reeling with the force of the emotions that are hitting you, and also fearful of a numbness, or emptiness, that seems to be shrouding your life. You seem to have taken a good long stare at your life, and found it to be lacking worth, and that realization has built a feeling of hopelessness. You say that you don’t want to live, but you don’t want to die either…that’s an incredible statement that tells me how hard it is to survive with the emotional stress and feelings of hopelessness, and also that you want to find some light that can make things feel worthwhile so that you DON’T have to die to escape. I wish I had an answer to your thoughts about how to make something out of nothing when it comes to happiness. I get how impossible it seems to even think of being happy when you can’t even remember what it feels like.
I can really hear what you say about wanting someone to care enough to pull aside the quiet presence to see what exists behind. Kind of like if someone did get to know you, then it might show that you’re worth something to someone? When nobody seems interested in learning about you, it must add a lot to the painful sense that there’s just nothing of value about you. That sounds lonely and horribly devastating.
From your last few sentences, I get the idea that you’ve recently run out of pills. Without them, you’re experiencing all the emotions in a much deeper and more vivid way, hey? It sounds like getting more pills is difficult to do, and that maybe it’s hard to care about getting more. How are you doing now, Isabel0595?
You didn’t make any mistakes here at all, btw. We did edit a couple of things so as not to trigger other users, but it’s okay that you wrote them. We are here if you want to talk more about the experiences and feelings you’re having.
The Support Team