September 28, 2013 at 9:18 am #16428Isabel0595Member
So this is my first time on this site, excuse me if I make any mistakes. I just found it on google while trying to find someone who might listen. (Sad, right? Searching google for someone who gives a shit?) Well, here’s what’s happening, or more what has been happening.
Tonight I self-harmed* twice. This is the first time I’ve self-harmed* twice in one day. I thought I was getting better, but I guess I was wrong.
I am absolutely worthless. No, really, I am. I am talent-less, friendless, I have no motivation. I don’t want to live but I don’t want to die. I guess I just want to be happy but I don’t know how. I’ve been told that I need to find happiness within myself, but happiness is like art. You can’t make art out of nothing. You need something to work with, something to build on. I have no mediums at hand. The other day I spent 2 hours trying to think of one happy memory, one unblemished mark in my past and found nothing.
Usually when you meet someone for the first time, you wonder about them. Immediately you try to judge their character. I always hoped to be intriguing in a way, I wanted my quiet presence and shy smile to interest someone, make them want to know me. I should have known that was too much to ask for.
I guess all I want is someone who does care and does understand. Is there anyone? Because right now I feel so alone.
My pills numbed me for so long, all these emotions…these REAL emotions…are hitting me so hard. I know I need to get my refill, but there’s always the ticking clock regulating where you need to be and what you need to be doing. I guess my brain right now isn’t focused on something as silly as pills.
*Edited by the Support Team for triggering content
September 30, 2013 at 5:36 am #18877YouthspaceModerator
I’m happy that you found us, even if it felt sad to have to google your support (which I understand, although I think there’s a flip side to the coin as well — there are a lot of people online, and Google lets us connect).
It sounds like you reached out at this time because things are feeling more intense than they ever have before. It worried you that you harmed twice — and made you wonder if the feelings you’re having are getting worse. I can hear the fear in those words, like you’ve been walking a tightrope, and you’re wondering if you’re about to fall now.
It sounds like you’re both reeling with the force of the emotions that are hitting you, and also fearful of a numbness, or emptiness, that seems to be shrouding your life. You seem to have taken a good long stare at your life, and found it to be lacking worth, and that realization has built a feeling of hopelessness. You say that you don’t want to live, but you don’t want to die either…that’s an incredible statement that tells me how hard it is to survive with the emotional stress and feelings of hopelessness, and also that you want to find some light that can make things feel worthwhile so that you DON’T have to die to escape. I wish I had an answer to your thoughts about how to make something out of nothing when it comes to happiness. I get how impossible it seems to even think of being happy when you can’t even remember what it feels like.
I can really hear what you say about wanting someone to care enough to pull aside the quiet presence to see what exists behind. Kind of like if someone did get to know you, then it might show that you’re worth something to someone? When nobody seems interested in learning about you, it must add a lot to the painful sense that there’s just nothing of value about you. That sounds lonely and horribly devastating.
From your last few sentences, I get the idea that you’ve recently run out of pills. Without them, you’re experiencing all the emotions in a much deeper and more vivid way, hey? It sounds like getting more pills is difficult to do, and that maybe it’s hard to care about getting more. How are you doing now, Isabel0595?
You didn’t make any mistakes here at all, btw. We did edit a couple of things so as not to trigger other users, but it’s okay that you wrote them. We are here if you want to talk more about the experiences and feelings you’re having.
The Support Team
October 2, 2013 at 7:39 am #18887Isabel0595Member
I haven’t self-harmed since I made this post, but I’m not feeling much better. Thank you for your reply though.
October 6, 2013 at 3:16 am #18898YouthspaceModerator
Thanks for checking in with us about your self-harm. It sounds like although you feel a little more in control of the behaviour, you’re also dismayed to find that the feelings of worthlessness and defeat are just as overwhelming. I would guess you’re feeling damned if you do and damned if you don’t with your self harm, as your thoughts remain dark and scared no matter what you try. How have the last few days been since you posted?
I get the sense from your comments about finding us on google that you don’t often come across folks who give a shit in your life. We do. Please feel welcome to come tell us about what’s on your mind whenever you need to, either on here or on our live chat from 6pm-11pm PST (or til midnight on Fridays and Saturdays).
We’ll be thinking of you,
the Support Team
October 7, 2013 at 5:28 am #18904TereziParticipant
I’ll be a friend if you need anymore
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