Thank you for sharing yourself here. I can really hear how meaningless life feels when you are working so hard to simply “survive from minute to minute”. I can only imagine how cold this loneliness makes your life. Like the people surrounding you cannot understand what happens inside the walls of your heart. Your words are raw with pain and isolation. It takes a lot of courage to reach out and ask for help Sparrow. You are truly a warrior.
Your recent turn to self-harm has you feeling completely unhinged, like some crazy force has taken over. I get the sense that substituting self-harm for certain eating rituals is not something that you want to continue doing. Are there other distractions or strategies that you see as being options in those moments when the urge to use your rituals grabs you?
You mentioned that “recovery” is not a good word to use since it feels so exhausting and lacks any sort of break. Can you think of any other words that would hold more truth for the feelings associated with your battle against this eating disorder?
I’m glad to hear you have one therapist who really gets you Sparrow. Know that we are here for you too.
The Support Team