January 23, 2014 at 1:02 am #16453
Wandering, absent from the sounds of the waking world
Dry desolate, white abyss
Ground cracking and dust blooming
Never ending circles, spinning, infinity
Twisting branches blindly reaching towards the never-ending sky
Moonscape stretching on
Darkness all consuming, surrounding, constricting
Swallowing her soul
Tears streaming, leaving trails on her rose coloured cheeks
Collapsing like a forgotten dove
Left in her cage of intertwining tales
she wove herself
Stars gasping as their light
Thrust into a world of nothing
But a silhouette
In a time beyond
In her own personal Hell
January 26, 2014 at 6:32 am #19055
Thank you for posting on our forum and sharing your beautiful poetry with us.
I can hear some pretty heavy metaphors in your writing. I get the sense that such artistic expression has some really intense emotions and struggles behind it.
Please know that you are more than welcome to discuss whatever is going on for you here or in our chat, or you can continue to express yourself with poetry. We want to hear from you in any way you are comfortable.
The Support Team
January 26, 2014 at 5:45 pm #19057
i am just so exhausted of going through day to day. I survive from minute to minute and when I smile or laugh it does not feel genuine anymore. I have been feeling like this for months with ebbs and flows of good days. I don’t really want to die but I don’t feel like I am living either. there is this in-between I am stuck in. Everything is 10 times harder, breathing is a struggle.
I am around people all the time but I feel so alone with my emotions. I see 2 therapists and a nutritionist and I really only feel comfortable fully opening up to my one therapist who seems to really understand what I need in my sessions with her. So once a week I can fully breathe and let go of everything for an hour.
I feel like a crazy person. I started *self harming last week and that was my first time trying that. it was in replacement of my eating disorder rituals. I just want to give up, recovery is so hard, recovery is not a good word to use for it because there seems to be no rest from it at all, it is a constant battle from day to day, hour to hour and minute to minute and I just want to stop.
*edited by The Support Team for triggering content
January 29, 2014 at 6:36 pm #19061
Thank you for sharing yourself here. I can really hear how meaningless life feels when you are working so hard to simply “survive from minute to minute”. I can only imagine how cold this loneliness makes your life. Like the people surrounding you cannot understand what happens inside the walls of your heart. Your words are raw with pain and isolation. It takes a lot of courage to reach out and ask for help Sparrow. You are truly a warrior.
Your recent turn to self-harm has you feeling completely unhinged, like some crazy force has taken over. I get the sense that substituting self-harm for certain eating rituals is not something that you want to continue doing. Are there other distractions or strategies that you see as being options in those moments when the urge to use your rituals grabs you?
You mentioned that “recovery” is not a good word to use since it feels so exhausting and lacks any sort of break. Can you think of any other words that would hold more truth for the feelings associated with your battle against this eating disorder?
I’m glad to hear you have one therapist who really gets you Sparrow. Know that we are here for you too.
The Support Team
January 29, 2014 at 9:03 pm #19063
It feels like my heart is going to explode out of my chest. I have absolutely no control over my mind. When I am home and finally relaxed after the day it is like I slowly melt and everything floods out of me all at once and it is an overwhelming rush of emotions. I feel everything all at once and it is like an assault on all my senses and a negative thought overload. Every horrible thing I can think of or feel about myself I feel in that moment. It is pure hate and anger and I just cry myself to sleep because I am too much of a coward to make it stop. I have been trying to read something fun or studying when it hits but it hits so hard that I can’t focus on anything but the emotions.
I just want to fade away.
February 2, 2014 at 2:18 am #19068
Thanks for posting again — your words are so powerful and I get the sense that putting your thoughts and feelings out into the world is very cathartic for you.
I hear how much of a faÃ§ade you have to put up every day — putting on a brave face and acting like you’re fine for those around you until you get home and can finally release the pent up hurricane of emotions within you. This process seems like it’s so unbearable, and I imagine that once you’re alone you’re totally unable to resist the terrifying flood of emotions that greets you when you open the door.
It sounds like you’ve desperately been trying to distract yourself from the pain by turning to things you enjoy like reading — but even things that are supposedly fun aren’t enough to draw your focus away from the hurt. Your drive to continue taking care of yourself is admirable — even if it doesn’t always work as intended.
Keep on searching for that strength within you,
The Support Team
February 4, 2014 at 3:46 am #19071
I have been having really dark thoughts the past few nights and I am feeling more and more like giving up. I am not on any medications right now and I don’t want to go to meetings anymore. I just want to be happy or just not give a fuck and just leave this all behind….
I just want to be able to walk around and not have all of these voices in my head. I don’t know anymore, hanging on is starting to get awfully tiring. I want to believe it will all be worth it if I just keep holding on.
February 6, 2014 at 5:07 am #19073
I can hear how much you’ve lost faith in the healing process, and how frustrated you are that your efforts to overcome your eating disorder have yielded so much stress and darkness for you. I’m wondering whether you’re still self harming? I would guess you feel completely trapped at the centre of a tornado of awful feelings, and as much as you’d like to be able to walk away you suspect that a step in any direction will whoosh you right back up into the storm.
I imagine you’re sick as hell of the voices and dark thoughts following you around everywhere you go, not to mention sick of the meetings, medications, and other processes you drag through with a dwindling hope they will bring change. Seems like you are longing desperately for a break from the tiresome work you struggle through every day, and that thinking about suicide makes you wonder if it might be a viable escape. I get the sense that ultimately you hope for an end to your struggling, but not necessarily to your life, am I right? Tiring as it is, what is keeping you holding on right now?
Lean on us when the burden feels like more than you can bear, we’ll be sending you thoughts of strength and courage, Sparrow.
The Support Team
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