It has been a while since I wrote, being “locked up,” still is still affecting me. I made an appointment with the therapist I see, my last appointment I called and cancelled because things had happened and me refusing what he wanted me to do. I cancelled that appointment a month ago and last I saw him was about 6-7 weeks ago. I am still locked up inside.

I don’t want to do what he wants me to do; I just can’t go through with it again. I’ll end up doing something stupid and irrational to myself. I already told someone I can’t just hide from it but I don’t want to do what he wants me to do either.

I have something and that something, is lacking something, and that lacking of something, will more likely in the long run make me ‘out of control’ and I am feeling that ‘out of control’ feeling, I don’t want people to know… it’s not like it was a choice I made it was made ‘out of control’ like I didn’t realize until weeks after what I was doing and now ‘out of control’ has been ‘out of control.’ I am trying my best to hide this something, I’ve already lost that something in many ways and what I lost is showing.