February 28, 2013 at 1:33 am #16389
I’ve locked myself up completely and I refuse to express my own feelings and even problems. Last time I locked myself up was March 2010, three years ago, and as hard as everyone tried to get me talking I wouldn’t. It took me months to unlock myself and start to feel more human. It is now happening again. It’s starting to come out in different ways because I am frustrated with the fact I refuse to express anything.
My friend and I were together and I had given him oral and I asked he should do something sexual to me back. He wanted to rest. Then he had to get up. He playfully threw his shirt at me, and what do I do, I whip it back at him and went under the covers into a tight ball. He asked me whats wrong… I said nothing. Then he basically tickled my feet and pinned me down just so I would laugh.
It’s not that I am more sensitive to things while being locked up inside, I just can’t express myself. Things have been happening over the course of 5 months and I have shut myself off to things. I started to lock myself up about 2 weeks ago and last week I was completely locked up inside.
I can’t even put things into sentences and express myself, listing things would make it difficult because you would ask me questions based on the list and basically have to guess and I’d rather not explain the right and correct answer.
March 2, 2013 at 2:04 am #18665
Thanks for taking the time to tell us the way that you’re “locked up” right now. I cannot imagine that it was easy to share it on here in such descriptive and poignant words.
It sounds like this locking involved putting up a thick wall between yourself and the world? You say that you just can’t express things, and I get the impression that you still feel things, but that when you’re locked up, there’s no way for those things to get to the people around you, even if they ask.
Is the locking-up out of your control, DashingDaisy? It must be hugely maddening and confusing (and even frightening?) if that’s the case — like your mind is rebelling against you, and putting up a wall, even though you might want to be able to reach out to others. It sounds like a strange and isolating experience; we are totally here to listen if you want to keep talking about how it’s affecting you.
The Support Team
March 14, 2013 at 3:59 pm #18682
It has been a while since I wrote, being “locked up,” still is still affecting me. I made an appointment with the therapist I see, my last appointment I called and cancelled because things had happened and me refusing what he wanted me to do. I cancelled that appointment a month ago and last I saw him was about 6-7 weeks ago. I am still locked up inside.
I don’t want to do what he wants me to do; I just can’t go through with it again. I’ll end up doing something stupid and irrational to myself. I already told someone I can’t just hide from it but I don’t want to do what he wants me to do either.
I have something and that something, is lacking something, and that lacking of something, will more likely in the long run make me ‘out of control’ and I am feeling that ‘out of control’ feeling, I don’t want people to know… it’s not like it was a choice I made it was made ‘out of control’ like I didn’t realize until weeks after what I was doing and now ‘out of control’ has been ‘out of control.’ I am trying my best to hide this something, I’ve already lost that something in many ways and what I lost is showing.
March 18, 2013 at 7:23 pm #18687
I appreciate your bravery in sharing more about how being “locked up” is still affecting you. Sounds like you are continuing to struggle with expressing yourself
It must be really hard living like a shaken can of pop with so much inside but no sign of an opening and space to release this tension anywhere. I sense that you really want to address the roots of this internal pain, but the idea of doing so is just too terrifying right now. I can imagine that you are anxious for the fizz to settle in order to get “something” out. Thinking….will this pass on it’s own, or do you have to take action to release all that you are holding inside? I get that you don’t feel comfortable doing what your therapist suggested…yet I’m also hearing that you feel the need to do something because you are aware that you can’t hide this anymore.
I can hear how ashamed you are for having that ‘out of control’ feeling even though it is out of your control. It’s like if someone finds out, they might see you differently because of it.
I’m wondering if this “something” is causing your feeling of ‘out of control’ or if it is the pressure of being “locked up”? Also curious if you ever had that feeling before and how you were able to regain back your control?
Thanks for your openness, even if it feels “locked up”.
the Support Team
March 23, 2013 at 8:08 pm #18697
I am not ready…
I am not ready…
I am just not ready…
I can’t be ready…
to talk about this…
I just can’t, it hurts every second of every thought that goes into…
I am ready to talk about 1 thing…
It has caused me great pain. It has made me sick. It has made me refuse it. It has made me loose weight. It has controlled my brain.
I have three diagnoses and they are all treatable I don’t believe doing what I should will help, I have tried.
I do not trust food, I am hesitant in eating for my body to not like it. I am sick of feeling sick from food.
I must… continue to be careful, resulting in fear of my body disagreeing and I’m left with… flare-ups, feeling sick, tired, etc., food hurts…
March 25, 2013 at 6:13 am #18702
You have such power with your words and even the silences between them.
I can truly hear how beaten and overcome you’re feeling by the emotions that seem to be haunting you, and by the battle you’re waging with food. I can only imagine how unbearable it is to have to face eating in order to survive, but to have your body in such pain as a result — like there’s no way at all to win.
It sounds like you’re utterly fed up with the terrible results that come from eating. Am I understanding you right when I hear that the treatments don’t seem to be helping at all? I bet that would add a layer of discouragement and exhaustion to the pain and stress that you’re already experiencing…
Those three diagnoses are a lot to face all at once, DashingDaisy, and I can hear how completely overwhelming it is for you to have to deal with them. How are you coping right now?
Stay connected DashingDaisy; we’re here for you, even if it’s just as a place to express the agony.
The Support Team
March 29, 2013 at 9:51 pm #18713
I just want to talk…
Why am I here? Why did I come here? There is nothing here for me.
I don’t know why I am here in the first place. I don’t know why I left and came here. It’s been a total of 9 months since I came here. I left because I had nothing; I now came to nothing, no purpose of me being here. A part of me ran from the uncertainty just to make sense of things and start anew. Now, I have nothing where I live and there is nothing here for me. I am 800km from where I was and 800km of uncertainty that I brought myself to.
My only family member who I had accepted a job position for and lived with kicked me out December 1st and she doesn’t even ask how I have been. I have offered to go out for lunch or dinner, she responded but hasn’t put any more into just sitting to have a nice meal. I came to nothing, no one and I thought I was coming to something that would turn my life around, it only left me with nothing, being alone.
By day I am alone by night I work and have some sort of life, I come home to nothing no one, no one to talk to or hang with. I text my friend who is 800km away and try to text others, like co-workers just so I have someone to talk to, so I don’t feel alone in my room.
I lost someone, a close friend who we connected very well and I’m moving on, nothing will change the fact of our friendship with one another when both our lives and personal struggles have clearly interfered our close bond of friendship.
I am used to others walking away from me or I had to walk away, I always get over it and move on because if nothing will change now, it wont later when the trying got giving up. Having others walk out of your life or you walking out their life, has happened to me too many times.
April 2, 2013 at 4:43 am #18716
It sounds like you are being overrun by emptiness. Like you came with a fire in your heart, and the suffering and frustration of being rejected again and again have slowly snuffed out the flame, leaving only questions and nothingness. I get the sense that you’re left wondering whether there was even a point to moving so far and trying to make a change.
It’s like you’re in the middle of a storm of loneliness, and it seems like no matter which way you look, people have drifted farther away… On top of the feelings of isolation, I can hear so much sorrow around having lost your friend, someone who you feel such a deep connection with. There’s a bittersweet quality to your words…am I correct in hearing that you’re grieving the loss of their presence in your life, but that you’re strengthened by the connection that you know was there, even if it was interrupted by struggles?
In some ways, you sound resigned to having people turn their backs on you, and it almost sounds like you expect the loneliness that you’re feeling. I’m wondering how you’re coping with the feelings of isolation and nothingness? I can only imagine how weary you must feel if this is a place you’ve been before, and are feeling like you can’t escape from the defeat and feeling of being left alone again…
Stay connected, Dashingdaisy. We’re here to listen to the pain.
The Support Team
April 2, 2013 at 2:16 pm #18718
It’s not funny, please it’s not a joke, don’t you understand laughing at someone and than making comments about it, isn’t a joke? What if it is true, what if what you said to me last night is true?
I walked to work, and with little notice I threw up, all over my sweater and continued to walk to work, threw up again. I came in the back door my manager is like, “you know your not suppose to use the back door…”
“I know I have vomit all over my sleeve and I puked twice on the way here.”
My co-worker asked if I was pregnant. I said no.
A few minutes pass and I’m like, “god I am so dizzy”
“oh my gosh you are pregnant this happened to me.”
I walk away and come back and she asked how old I am, I tell her.
“Oh my gosh, your so young how are you going to raise a child being so young.” her jaw dropped to the floor.
I walk away and come back. Manager and co-worker are laughing and talking about me. “what are you guys laughing about.”
“we’re just trying to guess if your having a boy or girl…” I laugh and walk away saying, “year right”
It’s not fucking funny! What if I am? It’s not funny.
The person, my friend, he… if I am, he is the one… I… don’t want to think about it, it never crossed my mind until they made a big deal and joked about it. It’s not funny.
I have unexplained acne all over my face that I can not get rid of! I’ve been focusing on that, until they joked about me throwing up and I said, “it just happened, with no warning…” and they assume I am pregnant? I was more worried about having the flu… I went home ill, I could have stayed but the comment and joke just made me not want to stay.
I am fine now. I am fine. I felt sick a bit this morning but never got sick.
I can’t bare a child, not like this, not like this. I can’t. I’m so alone, very alone. I want to disappear and not remember their comments, I’m not concerned if I am pregnant.
It’s not funny.
It’s not a joke.
April 7, 2013 at 1:25 am #18723
Oh DashingDaisy, I imagine it is so unbelievably hurtful that your coworkers both assumed you were pregnant and mocked you when you were feeling ill and vulnerable. Am I right in hearing that their jeers planted a little seed of worry that you might be pregnant, even if you are pretty sure you’re not? I get a sense you are outraged they seemed to think it was acceptable to talk to you about such personal things in such a flippant way.
I can hear from your previous posts how alone you are feeling. It sounds as though you are truly grieving the loss of both your friend and your family member who were at one time your supports in this new place. Is there anyone in your life now who you can to go when you’re feeling down? How have your therapist appointments been going lately? I would guess it’s particularly excruciating to have your co-workers bully you when you’re feeling like there’s no one left on your side
Keep connecting in this difficult time, DashingDaisy. Our thoughts are with you.
the Support Team
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