Hi zmp218, welcome to our forum and thank YOU for reaching out. Supporting people online is exactly what we’re here for, and you don’t ever have to apologize here for sharing what is weighing on your most.
I get the sense you’re desperate for an end to the eternal numbness that has consumed you for years. It seems as though the bleakness of life has engulfed you completely, and that your friends have been pushed away by your bitter exterior even while the inner you yearns for their support. I imagine that while it’s a relief to be living on your own and away from the traumas of your past, it’s also scary to feel stuck on the roller coaster of emotions without anyone close by to stop the ride. When you think about giving up on trying to move on, is suicide something that comes into your thoughts?
I admire your dedication to exploring new ways of coping, although I am guessing that dedication comes alongside epic frustration that you have already tried so many things and found them to be dead ends. It sounds like it’s been exhausting trying to gain enough control over your depression and PTSD to just feel close to ok, and although you are ready to move on your emotions seem stuck in the chaos of the past.
I hear your curiosity about hobbies and passions that may distract you from your darkness…is there anything you’ve tried in the past that brings you even a tiny sliver of light? Or anything you’ve been thinking about trying, but aren’t sure about yet?
For what it’s worth (and I know it’s not quite the same), I’m sending you a digital *hug*