That sounds absolutely exhausting… like a rhythm-less roller coaster ride that leaves you plummeting downhill whenever you least expect it. I can hear how much work it is to get to a place where you feel more in-control, and so when those rapid downhills happen… I imagine it gets so discouraging. :’(
I’m so glad to hear that you’re getting support from your family and friends in trying to ride those chaotic ups and downs… it takes a lot of strength to keep reaching out and trying to express what’s going on for you, especially when it can be confusing even for yourself. It sounds like these people hold a very special place in your heart… that they give you courage when things get tough.
Even with that support, I’m sensing how desperately you want a break from all the fear and anxiety, and that that desire can lead you to think about dying. Thanks for being honest with us about your thoughts of suicide… it sounds to me like suicide doesn’t really seem like an option for you, but the thought does spend time in your mind when you’re feeling so weighed down by everything else… as a way to end the pain you’re carrying around. As you hold on to life, have you found anything that helps lessen the enormous weight on your shoulders… even just for a bit?
We’re ‘hear’ for you whenever you need support on that roller coaster ride, both on the forum and on chat if you’d like.
The Support Team.