November 7, 2012 at 11:53 am #16369
I’ve had anxiety disorder and OCD for as long as I can remember.
It never used to be this bad, it started out where every once in awhile I’d have a panic attack; sick to my stomach, shaking, unable to breathe, feeling like I’m going to die. It wasn’t enough to really effect my life.
It started to pick up in grade six. I felt sick more often. Started avoiding certain things. Again, though, for all intents and purposes I seemed alright.
Grade eight was where I really started to fall apart. I felt horrible all the time. I couldn’t go to classes. Some days I sat in the bathroom for hours so I wouldn’t have to go. Other days I went to the nurses office. I didn’t know what was wrong and I couldn’t explain and it was never ending.
By the time grade nine started, I’d been hooked up to a counsellor through the school. At the time, though, I didn’t even know what to say to her. She tried to make me go to classes, to face my fears, but I couldn’t. My family was frustrated with me and I was frustrated with myself and I just shut down. I didn’t know what to do or say because I didn’t really know what was triggering all of this. I just knew that I was afraid, of everything, of leaving my house and getting up in the morning and eating food. I didn’t want to do anything. I just kind of shut down.
Luckily I was linked to an alternative highschool program*. A place for kids with depression and anxiety. Their goal was to slowly get kids back into regular learning, starting off with modules done inside the portable and slowly moving into classrooms. I thought things would start to get better here.
And they did, a little bit. I met great people and I felt a lot less pressured.
But my anxiety never went away. I would miss weeks at a time because I was sick. I’d show up for a day, miss a day, show up for a day. It was really hard for me to get anything done and I was still suffering without really being able to explain what was happening.
It’s only now that I’ve gotten a psychologist, and started to figure out my problems. I’m afraid of feeling sick, deathly afraid. But it’s a vicious cycle, because I have intense panic attacks and then end up feeling as sick as I don’t want to be. I avoid everything because of this. I don’t want to get sick so I don’t eat. I don’t sleep if I feel the slightest twinge. I take endless amounts of medicine that don’t really help me because it’s in my head. And I worry, constantly. Always worrying.
My anxiety is why I’m 18 and haven’t finished highschool. Don’t have a job. I’m not good for anything, because I hold myself back, but I can’t help it.
I’m trying to work on all this stuff in therapy, but every time I think I’m getting somewhere I feel like I fall right back to where I was. I have a good week, and then I have a panic attack and I just want to end everything. It feels absolutely endless, and I can’t stand it. I can’t stand living like this, in constant fear over stupid things that regular people don’t even think about. I hate feeling nauseas everyday and not being able to do anything about it. My bad habits run my life, I don’t have any control, and I just want it to stop.
I don’t remember a time when I was normal, and I don’t think I ever will be. That hurts. Everything hurts.
I’m exhausted. It just sucks.
*Edited by the Support Team to protect anonymity.
November 9, 2012 at 4:57 am #18482
Thanks for trusting us with your story… it really sounds like life is beating you down and its getting harder and harder to stay up… I get the sense that it feels like you can NEVER really catch your breath.
Im glad youre connected to therapy, and that it feels like things are getting somewhere some of the time, but I imagine the set-backs are reeeally frustrating and at times you feel like just giving up. Is there anyone else supporting you?
You’ve been hanging on to one h*ll of a ride… what keeps you going? Especially when everything hurts so much? Oh Bri, I imagine sometimes it feels like nothings ever gonna change… I’m wondering if it ever gets so bad that you think about suicide?
We’re ‘hear’ for you Bri… not sure if youve tried our chat/text, but I invite you to check it out… any night 6-11pm (on the westcoast).
Stay strong… and stay connected,
the Support Team
November 20, 2012 at 1:43 pm #18508
It definitely feels that way most of the time. It’s hard to pull myself back up because I go back down so fast.
Luckily, I do. My parents try and support me the best they can. Sometimes they don’t really understand but I know they try and that means a lot. I have a couple friends who are always there for me, too, and I don’t know what I would do without them.
I know I could never commit suicide, but sometimes I wish I would. It’s kind of like, I wish I just wouldn’t wake up, because I’m so tired of it all. I’m too scared, though. And, there are people here I love that keep me going. Those few people are all I have and they mean everything to me.
November 23, 2012 at 4:29 am #18509
That sounds absolutely exhausting… like a rhythm-less roller coaster ride that leaves you plummeting downhill whenever you least expect it. I can hear how much work it is to get to a place where you feel more in-control, and so when those rapid downhills happen… I imagine it gets so discouraging. :’(
I’m so glad to hear that you’re getting support from your family and friends in trying to ride those chaotic ups and downs… it takes a lot of strength to keep reaching out and trying to express what’s going on for you, especially when it can be confusing even for yourself. It sounds like these people hold a very special place in your heart… that they give you courage when things get tough.
Even with that support, I’m sensing how desperately you want a break from all the fear and anxiety, and that that desire can lead you to think about dying. Thanks for being honest with us about your thoughts of suicide… it sounds to me like suicide doesn’t really seem like an option for you, but the thought does spend time in your mind when you’re feeling so weighed down by everything else… as a way to end the pain you’re carrying around. As you hold on to life, have you found anything that helps lessen the enormous weight on your shoulders… even just for a bit?
We’re ‘hear’ for you whenever you need support on that roller coaster ride, both on the forum and on chat if you’d like.
The Support Team.
November 30, 2012 at 8:38 am #18517
I don’t know if I’ve really found anything that lessens the weight on my shoulders. When I feel alright I have my friends, and that takes my mind off of it, but once I’m in the midst of a panic attack there’s really nothing I can do but wait it out. I’ll have people around me to help, but even then it doesn’t go away. It’s like, I know all of these breathing exercises and I know you should think positively and I can vent to people, but there’s still all this pain and it doesn’t go away. Nothing makes it go away, I just suffer through it until it starts to lighten by itself. I don’t know why or how and it’s so frustrating, because it lasts for days at a time and I feel so horrible and sick and depressed.
It’s those times when I really wish I could end it. And it really isn’t an option for me, but that just makes it even worse because I know I can’t do it and sometimes I wish I could so bad. I can’t do anything to end it, I just have to sit through it, and that’s the worst.
December 3, 2012 at 9:54 pm #18521
I can really hear how powerless you feel with the panic attacks… like, even though you’re doing what you can to manage them, they’re still coming and invading your life sometimes and it sounds like when those times come, it feels almost unbearable… even though your friends and parents help (and therapy too?), it doesn’t take away the fact that they still come, and when they do – SOMEHOW you need to get through to the other side. You mentioned all the pain that doesn’t go away when the panic attack ends… can you tell me more about that?
Waiting for an attack to end sounds so scary, frustrating and exhausting… I can hear how tired you are of having to deal with this, Bri. I’m glad you have some coping strategies (breathing exercises, staying positive, etc.), but it sounds like they don’t always work
Take good care Bri, and stay strong,
the Support Team
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