There’s a sense in your words of profound exhaustion, like you’re getting fed up with putting energy into keeping your head above the water. It must have dug a deep hole in your trust to find out that your ex was lying to you about something that is as important as her friends who were helping you cope. I can hear your agony at seeing so many of your supports crumble when you need them still…. It sounds, too, like it’s hard to want to share your pain with the one friend because so much seems to be good in her life, and it hurts to think that you might be a burden by sharing your feelings.
The interactions you have with your ex sound bittersweet…like on the one hand it’s somewhat reassuring to know that she cares enough to talk to you about the suicidal thoughts, but on the other side you’re left hanging when you try to connect with her about anything else. I can imagine how hollow it make the moments with her seem, and I’m wondering if that just adds to the pain that you were already feeling?
The weight you’re carrying is heavy indeed, Martin. I can see how crushingly exhausting it is to keep it up everyday, like Atlas carrying the Earth. Stay strong.
The Support Team