January 11, 2013 at 1:47 am #16381
Well the chat hasn’t been helping me as much as I’d like, so I’ve figured I’ll try posting on here, and see how it all goes. So here’s my story
To start it off two months ago my girlfriend broke up with me. I loved her, and we’d been acting like a couple for probably a month already. She was, and still is the most beautiful girl in my eyes. I never felt like she gave me a real chance to make things work though between us.
And of course it was the worst breakup ever. It was by text, and contained “it’s not you it’s me” “you’re a great guy and I hope we can still be friends” “maybe in the future we can get back together, but right now it’s not working” and then it was finished off with the worst thing possible; a ““
That was heart breaking, an I cried myself to sleep that night.
Then the next day my dad went to the hospital because he’d been having dizzy spells, and it turns out he had a tumour on his stomach that was causing internal bleeding. So that was a solid 24 hours for me.
Usually I would immerse myself in school or NHL hockey to keep me distracted, but school was super easy at the time, and the NHL lockout was stopping me from getting my hockey fix.
Then the next Sunday we went to visit my dad, and I sent a text to my ex “if I do anything stupid, don’t blame yourself” I was talking about suicide, and I was hoping she would take it any other way, but her first response was “are you having suicidal thoughts?” And I knew that she was going to get it out of me sooner or later, so I decided to tell her that I had.
Next day in class I see a school counsellor talking to my teacher outside the room, and then he asked me to follow him down to the counsellors room.
Sure enough he started talking about suicide, and I knew that my ex had told him about what had occurred.
And with that went all my trust in talking to anyone about my suicidal thoughts, because I was worried it would get back to my family. My dad was in the hospital at the time, and I didn’t want my family worrying about anyone other than him.
So I lied to my counsellor, and said that those thoughts were a ways in my past, and that I was fine.
So I peer tutor a planning class in my school, and my ex’s best friend is in that class. So now she comes in at least once a week, and it kills me to see her so often. But I’m straying from the story here.
I managed to talk to my ex too much, and she got pissed off at me, and now won’t even talk to me.
The day before school ended was terrible for me though because we had a talent show, and she was one of the MC’s. during one performance from the popular he couldn’t keep her eyes off one boy who I know is a total douchebag, and I saw them talking backstage. Sure enough it turns out she likes him because he’s funny, “and drinks” quite the quality or a 15 year old girl to look for. I’m graduating this year, and I know that she’s not very mature, but it kills me because I know she’s looking for the “badboy” type because she told me so. I don’t understand this because I’m as far from a bad boy as it gets. I’ve never had a gf, never kissed a girl, never had a sip of alcohol, and I’m probably on the lower end of the “middle class” for popularity at our school. With her liking this new guy I was both mad and sad, and I’ve had such strong feelings of both these last couple months.
Around the time of my breakup, two of my closest friends got gf’s, and I just feel so distant from them because they talk about “things” they’ve done with their gf’s. this makes me feel more distant, and that’s been really tough.
Skipping back out school has a winter formal, and I spent it standing around and I never danced once. One girl asked me, but it was about a week after the breakup, and I was pretty depressed still.
Then on New Years I spent it alone, and I saw on twitter how my ex kept posting about how great it was, and she “hoped she remembered it in the morning”
So then I’d planned since before Christmas to go downtown and jump off a bridge on January 7th, and I planned to do that until that morning when I woke up. The NHL lockout ended that day, and I guess it just delayed my decision to kill myself.
So I’ve been holding on since then.
Then last night my mom came into my room, and she was getting mad at me because I don’t spend enough time with friends. So then she said to me “there must be something wrong with you if you can’t connect with one of the 300 other grade 12’s at your school. And that really hurt. She also pretty much said I should start drinking to fit in better with my friends. Then I tried self hurt for the first time after she left.
I need help
January 13, 2013 at 4:24 am #18569
Hey Martin Henrique,
I get a sense you are feeling abandoned by everyone closest to you, with your dad becoming ill, your gf breaking up with you so heartlessly, your friends talking about their gfs constantly, and your mom saying such hurtful things to you. Even NHL hockey hasn’t been there for you lately, which I would guess is normally a big part of your day-to-day life. I imagine you are feeling angry that so many people around you seem to want you to be someone you are not, and particularly pissed off that your ex seems to be drawn toward someone for the wrong reasons.
I can hear how deep and unrelenting your pain is right now, and that you have been searching for different support resources that might help alleviate some of that pain. It sounds like chatting with us hasn’t always been as helpful as you’ve expected; I’m wondering what you have hoped to see happen in the chats that isn’t happening right now? I’d also like to let you know that if you choose to use the chat in the future (and we hope you do!) you are welcome to refer to this post so that you don’t have to repeat your story and can focus more time on what’s going on for you in the moment.
It sounds like suicide is often, if not always, on your mind lately. It sounds like you have come really close to ending your life…is the anticipation of NHL games coming up still helping you hold on? Is there anything else you’ve been able to do to help you cope? Have you self harmed again since the first time the other night?
We hope you will keep connecting however you can, Martin Henrique. Our thoughts are with you in this overwhelmingly difficult time.
the Support Team
January 13, 2013 at 7:15 am #18571
When I think of my ex with this new guy I just get so mad and upset at the same time that I almost have troubles breathing, and there’s this feeling in my upper chest that scares me.
I guess for these chats I just hoped them to be more counselling, and everytime the time expires I just feel like another person is leaving me again and again. But I’ve begun to realize that these are people that care about me, and are here to listen, and that has helped me get through the chats. And I have been referring them to this post and it has really helped because I’m able to spend less time going on about my story, and talk about the stories and get further.
I’m not really sure though what I’m holding onto to help me cope. I play ball hockey in the spring, so I’m really looking forward to that I guess.
And then for self harm I tried self hurt once more, but it just kinda stings, and doesn’t help so I’m done with that for now.
I was able to tell one other person so I think that was a big step for me. I actually just showed her this post, because I didn’t want to write it all out to her. So I’m really hoping she won’t tell anyone, because if she does I know I’ll never be able to trust anyone again.
January 13, 2013 at 8:18 am #18572
Tonight started out great. I got MVP for the game in my soccer game, and I drive home grooving out to the Blitzkreig Bop. But then I got home.
Just a usual Saturday where I’m not out with friends, but sitting in my basement alone watching TV, and thinking about stuff. The thought of my ex with this new guy won’t leave my head, and it is destroying me inside to think about the two of them together.
I just wish I had a friend I could talk to about this stuff, but I don’t feel like I have any close friends. I think I have a lot of friends, but no one ever invites me to anything besides the gym once in a while. I see the pictures online of all these parties and get togethers, and it hurts to know I want invited. Especially like on New Years when I spent it alone. In my basement alone.
I just want to talk to someone about this, but I just don’t feel like anyone cares about me, and even the people I’ve told I feel like they’ve drifted away from me. My ex I’m not surprised, but I thought te person I told on Thursday would make a bigger effort to help me through this time. I told them because I want someone to talk to about this, but I also don’t like talking to people about it because then if I do end up killing myself they’ll blame themselves for not doing enough to help me, and I don’t want to drag people down after I die. I just want to be thrown into a hole, covered in dirt, and then be left there to rot, and be forgotten.
January 15, 2013 at 1:16 am #18574
Well today was going okay….until my ex walked past one of my classes, and I looked down to realize I was wearing the hoodie that I’d leant to her one night she was cold. Looking back I think that’s the night I fell in love with her. It was right after a youth group night she’d invited me to, and even though I’m not religious I went because it meant more time with her. So us and another couple left early to wander around, and we winded up at the playground across the street. The couples split apart, and while we were sitting she was shivering so I gave her my hoodie. Then we got up and walked towards the other couple holding hands for the first time ever. It just felt so right, and even now my heart is skipping thinking about it.
I also realized that I will never love anyone again. She is all I can think about, and I think I’m just going to wind up alone, and that’s fine because I’d rather that happen then end up having a family with anyone else. So I’m okay living alone and even though my parents will hate it, that doesn’t matter. I’m sure other people will try to convince me that there are “many fish in the sea” but what’s the point of searching if the one I love is hiding away from me.
One of the places I go to work everything out is the gym, but I’m not sure ill keep going there. It’s also one of the few places I actually see my friends outside of school, but the reason I went to the gym was to get bigger for girls to like me. I’m pretty lanky so I figured it couldn’t hurt. But what’s the point now if I don’t want to impress any girls? My ex hates my guts, so there’s no one else I need to get big for. This might hurt my chances of staying alive because I see my “friends” there. But they’re usually mean to me anyways, and I even wonder if they’re actually friends.
Just thought I’d check in again. Hopefully I get a reply on this stuff soon
January 15, 2013 at 7:22 am #18576
I can really sense how tumultuous your feelings are now. There are moments when you ache with the pain and loss of being alone with thoughts of suicide and with your sadness about your ex. But I can also see that there are moments when you feel like there might still be something worth living for. It must be incredibly difficult to keep going when you feel like you’re being tossed around on an emotional rollercoaster. It sounds like there are a lot of times when death seems overwhelmingly serene compared to the chaotic and lonely pain of living.
Thanks for being totally honest with us about the chats. I can understand how it could get frustrating to feel like you’re having to retell your story. Like having extra challenge added when you’re already struggling to find the energy to keep reaching out…Hopefully the forum helps a bit with that. I think we’ve also mentioned the e-counselling that you can access on our website?
Life is so lonely for you right now, hey? I truly get the sense that you’re feeling abandoned with your grief…like everywhere you turn, you find people, but none of them seem to be close enough to really feel what’s going on for you…and some of them hardly seem like friends at all… I can hear that it wounded you when the friend you opened up to didn’t do more, and it sounds like you’re beginning to doubt that anyone really cares. That’s got to feel completely isolating; I’m glad that you have the strength to reach out here.
Martin, the hopelessness and desperation that you’re feeling come through your words so clearly. Your heart has been ripped out, and it must seem impossible that it will ever feel healed. I can hear how close to the edge you are, and how pointless normal activities feel. I’m glad to hear that ball hockey is on the horizon to look forward to, and to temper the darkness a little bit.
We are here for you as you feel this pain. Stay connected.
-The Support Team
January 16, 2013 at 12:48 am #18577
So two things happened yesterday that are just keeping this downward spiral going. First my mom has been heckling me to invite a friend up to the mountain this Friday to go boarding, but I don’t like it when she forces me into something. Then I realized that the hockey draft for the hockey pool I’m in is supposed to be that day. I was about to tell my mom, but then I held back. Why not teach her that if he pushes me into things I’ll push right back? All the guys in my pool are from my school, an it could be a chance to form some friendships just like she wants. But instead I’m thinking of going up to the mountain with my mom and dad, and then when one of them erupts (which one will) ill bring up the hockey pool and say it was unfortunate that they forced me to come up to the mountain with them.
Then came the comment on twitter later. So I’m in grade 12, and my ex is in grade 10. I didn’t, and still don’t care about the age difference, but a lot of people make a big deal about it. Pretty much a comment was made directly to me on there last night, and it really hurt. When people said stuff about the age difference while we were dating I didn’t care, and her mom even asked me one time if people have me a hard time about dating a grade 12. I said it didn’t matter to me because my now ex made me happy, and the age didnt matter to me, and they were probably just jealous because of how happy I was.
But now these comments just hurt me because I’m not happy anymore, and it’s getting harder and harder to hold on.
My happiness blocked it out before, but now there is no happiness in my life to block it out.
I think if I can make it to ball hockey season I’ll be okay, but I’m afraid I’ll kill myself before that
January 16, 2013 at 1:54 am #18578
And then the dinner conversation starts out tonight with “Martin (not my real name) it doesn’t seem like you have any friends. Why is that?” I can’t wait to see their faces when I tell them about the hockey pool on Friday
January 17, 2013 at 12:28 am #18580
Today was actually okay we are doing a protest this Saturday, and I’ve had lots to do in planning that, and alerting the media so that kept me busy. Then I received a call back from the college I reaaaaaaally want to go to, so that was cool. In class my ex came in for about 15 minutes but I just stayed at the teachers desk, and did some marking for her, and even though her presence was always in mind, I managed to get through better than I’d expected. Last night my friend told me something he’d thought after I tweeted him something, and it related to my girlfriend breaking up with me. His thought was pretty mean, but I dragged it out of him, because he’d mentioned he’d had a thought that was worse than his previous comment about me dating a grade 10.
Another friend mentioned how he and some buddies had seen my ex at the mall, and thought I’d done pretty good to date her. But hey I’m just a loser that was reaching for someone way out of my range, and that’s why I’ve been told nice guys finish last with girls. Because try always chase after the wrong ones, but my girlfriend just seemed so right, and I really believed that we would last forever.
January 18, 2013 at 2:32 am #18583MeMyselfandIMember
You’re being way too hard on yourself. I don’t know you, but I’m sure you’re not a loser. Nobody is. In the grand scheme of things, that’s not what matters anyways. I’m glad you’re on the road to recovery with the ex thing though. You’re gonna find someone special, I just know it. Also, I totally feel ya with the parent issues. Mine are just nuts, and they think I’m a huge moron. It doesn’t bother me, because I know they’re wrong and that’s all that matters, but it sure gets on my nerves sometimes. I wouldn’t worry about your mom, she’s probably just worried because she can see you’re upset and just wants you to be happy. Sometimes parents suck at communicating though, I understand. Anyways, I hope it gets better.
January 19, 2013 at 4:48 am #18586
Thanks for posting your thoughts and feelings here, sorry it took us a few days to get back to ya. I get the sense that how you are fluctuating a lot right now from hopeless despair to excited anticipation. It’s cool to hear about positive stuff you’ve got going on, like the protest. I get the sense you are really passionate about this cause. Also, congrats about the college call!
And yet…for every positive you have a lot of negatives…I can hear how truly isolated you are right now. I get the sense that you feel really removed, even from the people in your daily life. It seems like there is a lot of speculation going around about your past relationship, and I can imagine that it feels sometimes like everyone is against you…..how are you taking care of yourself in this tumultuous time?
It can be hurtful to hear other people’s opinions about a relationship. I get the sense that you are processing a lot right now, and grieving the relationship. You and your ex had a profound connection, and I can only imagine how your world shattered when you broke up <3
I’m worried for you Martin, cos I can hear you’re having a hardtime holding onto life…have you been thinking about a suicide plan? It seems like you aren’t sure how long you can stay safe which really scares me :S We’d love to explore these thoughts more in Chat too.
Know that we are on your side
the Support Team
January 19, 2013 at 7:24 am #18589
Hey MemyselfandI, yah with the parents it really just wears down on me with how often they do it hopefully things will get better though if my college plans work out socially though I’m not sure ill ever please them.
And Hello Support Team, well I haven’t been on chat the last two days, but I think that’s good because it means that the thoughts of suicide aren’t always on my mind. And yah the comments about my ex were really a kick in the stomach while I was already down. I also haven’t thought about suicide toooo much, but often I’ll see things now, and think about how I could kill myself with it, but I haven’t been thinking a plan, besides one night this week. ** So the thoughts are still there, but they are much less common, and extreme now. I’m certainly not out of the clear yet though
**Edited by Support Team for potentially triggering content.
January 20, 2013 at 10:05 am #18591
First off sorry about that last post, I didn’t mean to include “potentially triggering” stuff, but looking back I agree that it should have been sensored out.
Secondly I think things with my ex are getting a little better. I still think about her everyday, but it’s not all the time like it was before. She’s started to come into the classroom again that I peer tutor, but I’m okay with it. Besides one kid constantly asking me how awkward it is, I’m okay with it I’m hoping that our friendship/relationship heals over time, an I just heard of a similar instance where she wouldn’t talk to a guy or nearly a year, but they’ve just recently started talking again. So hopefully I can do that as well, and I guess I’ll just have to be patient (not something I’m very good at)
Haven’t thought about suicide lately either which is good, but I’m worried that after our protest today against the ** Theatre(was shown on two big newscasts**) that I won’t be as busy, and I’ll just feel useless again so I guess I’ll have to check back in, in a few days to update how I’m doing
**edited by support team for identifying information
January 22, 2013 at 3:12 am #18596
Hi Martin Henrique (:
First of all, I just want to let you know the reason we edit things is to make sure YS is a safe place for everyone — both you and all our users. Do know though that we read everything you send us, and in replying to you, we’re replying to the whole post, even if only part of it came up on the forum. I know it can be scary to open up about things that are so personal to you — I am honoured to have you share your story with us.
I’m so glad to hear that things have been going a bit better now.. I can hear how much of a load off of your chest it is to be able to be in the same room as your ex and to think of her without the same stabbing pain as before. In your post you seem hopeful that friendship might be a possibility for you and your ex in the future — I imagine that having that hope makes things a lot brighter in your life. (:
I can sense that the hope is also quieting the thoughts of suicide a bit — at least to the point that you are able to focus on other things and to keep the thoughts under control when they do come up. I can hear how much of a relief that is.
It sounds like you’ve been devoting a lot of time and energy into this protest for a while — and I’m sensing that it was a success? (: You expressed concern that your days might feel meaningless now, and I’m wondering how things are feeling now that the protest is over?
We’re here for you — about both the bad and good.
Take care of yourself,
The Support Team.
January 22, 2013 at 3:51 am #18598
Yah so I’m glad because I’m thinking of waiting like 3-5 years, and then seeing if my ex would be interested in dating then. She’ll be graduated in three years, and I’m hoping that she’ll be mature enough to commit to a real relationship. I guess it’s weird to have a timeline like that set, but that’s just the type of person I am. First off though I have to get onto at least speaking terms with my ex. So many of my friends are telling me to forget her, but I just can’t; not when everything I see makes me happy, and whenever something good happens she’s the first person I want to tell.
As for the protest we had negative feedback on the Internet, and social media, but it was pretty fun, and I think we did a good job our teacher and principal are coming under fire for it though because some people are being idiots, but I think they’ll get through
January 23, 2013 at 6:41 am #18603
Hey Martin Henrique,
The biggest thing that stands out for me from so many of your posts is how deeply you still care for your ex. It sounds like you’re still feeling really wounded around her, but that in a strange way, she is also a beacon of hope. Even if it’s not a relationship, just being able to talk and share some experiences again would be something to look forward to, hey? I get the sense that your breakup left a huge hole in your heart, and that you’re looking for a way to fill a bit of that emptiness…
It sounds like you’re scared of the idea about thinking about suicide again, after feeling a bit better. How are you looking after yourself right now, Martin? Were you able to catch the hockey game the other night?
It’s neat that you feel like the protest was a success. I must have been an excellent distraction, because it sounds like it was a lot of work! I get the sense that it was nice to be able to put some energy into something that you and your classmates care about.
In the midst of sadness and loss, I am so impressed by your strength, Martin. Stay connected. We’re here as you sort through these feelings.
-The Support Team
January 23, 2013 at 6:48 am #18604
Yah she was just someone I felt like I could share anything with, and I trusted her so much with everything. I would love to date her again, but more importantly I just want to be on speaking terms with her again. I really do care about her so much, and I hate the fact that I’ve hurt her throughout this process (not physically don’t worry MeMyselfandI) but emotionally I guess. I’m just scared that I’ll hurt her again, but it hurts me not to be able to speak to her.
As for looking after myself hockey has been a huge help, and my favourite team the New Jersey Devils are off to a 2-0 start so that’s awesome even though I’ve been waiting for these games for 3 months though, my parents are still nagging me not to watch hockey all the time. I just wish that they could see how much watching hockey helps me through everything.
Ugh on Saturday night though I went out with my friends to the movies, and I had really been looking forward to it because I hadn’t spent time with them for quite a while, but I ended up feeling left out as usual. They’ve both done…stuff…with their current or past girlfriends, and I just feel out of the loop, and it really just seems to distance me from them. The entire time they either talked to each other, or were on their phones texting, and I had just really hoped it would be a chance for me to connect with them again because one guy now has a girlfriend, and seems to spend all of his time with her. But hey I’m beginning to accept the feeling of being abandoned which sucks, but is true
January 24, 2013 at 2:04 am #18605
Well I got accepted to the college I’ve wanted to go to since I was in grade 10, focussing on the topic I’ve wanted to study since I was in grade 8.
Two problems though
1) I text my ex hoping I’d get some response from her…and nothing. This is the biggest news of my life, and I should be happy now, but instead all I can think of is not being able to talk to her. Just whenever something good happens I want to share it with her, and I can’t
2) my parents acted proud, but as soon as I asked if I could drop one class next semester because I don’t need it for the class I’m going into, they went off on keeping my options open. It just sucks because my mom has never seemed to support the idea of me going into this program. But it’s all I want to do.
I should be so happy right now, but getting into this program has only made things worse
January 24, 2013 at 5:53 am #18608MeMyselfandIMember
Martin, don’t worry about what your parents think. I know it’s stressful because you don’t want to disappoint them but if your happy, that’s all that matters. My ambitions are to become a tattoo artist. My rents are livid. It made things awkward with them for a bit, and every time I bring it up they do the same thing: “keep your options open, what you want to do now may not be what you want to do later, blah blah blah”. They might be right, I could be making the wrong choice but how do you know if you don’t at least try? Life has a really awesome way of just working itself out eventually, even if you do make the wrong choice. My mom was a drug addict for 10 years, and even she was able to sort her life out. I’m proud of you for getting into that school, if it means anything. If your ex isn’t interested in talking to you or sharing in your excitement, she probably just needs space for the time being. I wouldn’t let it get to you.
January 25, 2013 at 3:49 am #18609
Yah I’ve just got to be patient…something I’ve never been great at :p plus I joined rugby this year, and apparently she’s on the girls team…so I guess we’ll get used to seeing each other but yah hopefully when the time is right we’ll start speaking again and good luck on becoming a tattoo artist MeMyselfandI!!!
January 25, 2013 at 10:48 pm #18611
First off: congratulations on getting accepted to college! After all the energy and hope that it sounds like you have put into your dream of getting into this program, that IS big news. We’re really happy for you. *high five*
I’m so sorry that it hasn’t been the celebration that it should be. I can hear how disappointing it was to have your parents respond with less-that-optimal enthusiasm. When they’re aware of how much this means to you, I can imagine that being told to “keep your options open” throws a shadow on the triumph. I can imagine that your ex’s lack of response was also incredibly hurtful. It must feel discouraging to hear nothing back from her when it wasn’t even a text related to you and her, but was about something that means so much to you. I wonder if it added to that overwhelming feeling of abandonment? You mention how much you trusted her, only to have that trust broken. Is it hard to think about trusting people right now, when nobody seems to be there when you need?
It sounds like it’s agonizing to think about having to wait a long time to talk to your ex again. There’s so much running through your mind that relates to her, I can imagine it feels at moments like your head is going to explode. It sounds like you’ll get a chance with rugby to get used to seeing her again more, but it still drags on you that she might not be willing to talk for a long time, especially when you’re left wondering how she might be feeling after everything that you two have gone through…
Martin, I really respect how hard you are working to find ways to work through the maze of disappointments and pain right now. I think it’s excellent that you recognize how helpful hockey has been, and how helpful things like playing sports and connecting with friends are for you (even if the friends seem to care less than you’d like…). We’re here for you too. Hang in there.
-The Support Team
January 26, 2013 at 12:45 am #18612
Hey thank you for the response on me getting into the college
And yah I guess it hurt that she broke my trust, but I guess she was just looking out for me, which meant she cared about me at the time. I’m just scared that I’ve screwed things up so badly, and I won’t be able to fix things with her. Also I’m worried that she’ll find out about this site one day, and how I’ve been writing about my situation. She really didnt want me writing about anything that went on with us, but I felt like I needed to write about it, because it has been such a huge factor in all my feelings. Also knowing me, if we ever become friends again, I think I’ll have to tell her about this, just because I don’t want to keep this secret from her.
As for suicide……I haven’t been thinking about the actual way of doing it, but I’m always just feeling so worthless now, and I don’t see the point of living anymore, because I don’t feel valuable. So I’m worried that these feelings may lead to me thinking about suicide again. I want someone to talk to again, but the two people I’ve told have completely abandoned me, and I can’t afford for that to happen again. And hockey has been a good way out, but I’m worried that it will only last so long, and it’s just depressing to think that it’s the only thing that has kept me going, well along with the hope of rekindling at least a friendship with my ex
January 26, 2013 at 6:33 am #18613
Just another regular Friday night for me tonight I was supposed to go to the gym with a friend, but he bailed last second. And then I ended up seeing two “friends” up at the gym who just bullied me throughout the night. Then they went to McDonalds later after I told them I was going to Subway, so that kinda sucked because I invited them to Subway
Then I came home and spent the night alone.
I am so done with this. My friends are abandoning me, and the ones that have stuck around can barely be called real friends, because they constantly put me down. I want to battle through this all, but it’s just becoming all too consuming, and I don’t know what I’m going to do.
January 26, 2013 at 10:00 pm #18616
I woke up this morning, and I just can’t handle all of this anymore. My dad is being a pain in the ass and he’s home all the time because he can’t go back to work yet, and still everything reminds me of my ex.
Anything I see on TV involving couples makes me cringe, every red car/van I see I look to see if it’s her, all my sweaters remind me of how I used to lend them to them.
And every second now I have flashbacks to times I should have kissed her. She’s the one for me, and I think if I’d kissed her that it might have helped us. I also know I would never regret it if I had kissed her, even if she still broke up with me.
Well I’m sitting here thinking I’ll never kiss a girl, but I’ve got to go because my dad is freaking out at me for being on my phone and not doing anything. I’ll bet he would shut up if I told him about this site, and my posts.
I’m just so done with everything, and whenever I catch a break someone brings me down, or I’ll even do it myself by thinking about how I should talk to my ex. I’m an idiot
January 27, 2013 at 3:17 am #18618
I can hear you’ve felt a lot of disappointment in the past 24 hours. I would guess that you were pissed at your friend for bailing on your plans to go to the gym, and to top it off being picked on by the guys at the gym you considered friends made things feel a million times worse. It sounds like you’re feeling stifled after being at home with your dad all day, and hassled by his nagging comments.
With all the time you’ve spent alone with your thoughts, I can hear how haunted you are with thoughts and flashbacks of your ex. I would guess the pain feels really fresh today for you, and I’m hearing you say that you’re done. I remember that recently you found you were thinking less often of a suicide plan; I’m wondering if that’s changed today? Have you been able to do anything for yourself to bring some relief to the feelings of being let down?
We’re here for you in this frustrating time, Martin
the Support Team
January 27, 2013 at 9:22 am #18619
I was really hoping tonight would have gone better…my sister and I had a bunch of friends down, and I was having a great time, until we watched a movie with a couple that were watching a movie in their dorm room. So with that I started imagining how if things had lasted between my ex and I that she could be there with me then watching the movie with my friends and I. I just miss the days when we would cuddle on her couch, and we would just stare into each others eyes. But I was too worried with impressing her parents, that I never really did anything that exciting with her and I will regret that forever if I never get another chance.
I don’t know about suicide…I haven’t been making plans like I had before, but my life just seems so worthless now, and I don’t see any reason to continue living. I just emailed the ecounselling today, so maybe that will help but I’m not sure. I just feel like I’ve tried so many things to get better, and they all help briefly, but begin to help less with time.
God I’m so confused right now I’m even contemplating my sexual preferences, or if I’m even into people at all. The thought of sex is just gross, and I’m pretty sure that there aren’t any other *young guys that think that. Just the idea of **sex seems gross, and I can’t even imagine it. Really if I ever do find another girl, or make things work with my ex, right now I’d want to do that Petrie dish thing or whatever for making a baby. I’m just so confused right now with everything, and I think I like girls, but I’m wondering if because I don’t like the thought of sex that I really don’t. And like I’ll think stuff like “that guy is pretty good looking” but like in a complimentary kind of way, not like a “I want to date him and have sex with him”
*edited by the Support Team for identifying information
**edited by the Support Team for sexual content
January 27, 2013 at 11:23 pm #18620
Well today started off okay. We won our soccer game 4-1, and I had 3 assists, and MOST of the car ride with my mom was bearable. Then I said that I preferred staying home to going out, and she said that all her friends who preferred to stay home weren’t all there mom. So that has pretty well ruined my afternoon, and evening. Thanks Mom
January 28, 2013 at 7:52 pm #18622
Well…remember the second person I told about my suicidal thoughts? Well her ignoring the topic all together was bad enough, but now she is just completely ignoring me in general. We haven’t talked since our last class on Friday where I’m the peer tutor, and I’m thinking she just befriended me so that she could get a better grade in the class. Why does all this have to happen now. I don’t think I can stand another person I trusted so much, leave me, and not talk to me again.
January 28, 2013 at 11:33 pm #18623
Oh boy another fun car ride…this time with my dad. So we were talking about a magazine that my dad put in our washroom, and it’s a big name magazine that focuses mostly on girls in well inappropriate clothing and such. And after my Social Justice class I don’t approve if those magazines. So I asked my dad if we could take it out since I didn’t think it was appropriate. So he asked me “do you even like girls?” And that I said that I do, but I don’t know; it just hurts that he said it to me.
January 29, 2013 at 1:57 am #18624
False alarm with the 2nd person I told about everything…she was just sick…oops
January 31, 2013 at 12:00 am #18628
Hey sorry about this recent rush of posts… But a lot has been happening lately.
This week was okay for me, probably because I didn’t have school due to our semester break for provincial exams. I’m worried though that when I return to school that my ex will be on my mind a lot again though if I’m seeing her a lot she has been on my mind all the time as usual, but it’s been bearable lately. I’m just worried that when I return to school that all my thoughts of her rushing back in will be unbearable. But I’ll check in again in a few days to say how it all goes
January 31, 2013 at 3:32 am #18630
Hey Martin Henrique,
Sounds like the past few days have been kind of up and down for you… congrats on your soccer game!
I can hear that the thoughts of your ex are still with you.. and that hanging out with all those couples really magnified her absence and made you worry and regret over lost opportunities with her. I’m glad to hear that you’re not planning ways to kill yourself, but i can definitely hear how much pain you are feeling, and how life is feeling pointless right now.. I’m glad you reached out to e-counselling and that you continue connecting with us.
I imagine that car ride with your mom was really disheartening Martin.. to feel like it was, if not good, at least okay, and then have her say something as dismissive and judgmental as that. I suspect it makes you feel even more isolated, hearing her judge your preference to stay home as something associated with people who ‘weren’t all there’.
Sounds like your sexuality and sex drive have really been at the forefront of your mind lately, and all these questions and what if’s are fluttering around in your mind like giant mosquitoes you can’t squash… i imagine that having these feelings of disgust at the idea of sex is feeling pretty alarming for you, especially because you feel that most guys your age don’t think that way… I get the sense that the idea that you may be gay or asexual is a fairly new one, and one you hadn’t really thought of.. like it just snuck up and rocked your whole world. One resource I can offer if you want is scarleteen.com. They’re a great website with TONS of information on sexuality, and they have forums you can post to as well and get some sexuality questions answered by people who really know their stuff.
That’s pretty amazing that you stood up for what you believe in and what you learnt in your Social Justice class, that takes a lot of bravery… I’m sorry your dad came back at you with a comment that made you feel hurt.. I suspect that with all the sexuality questioning going on, that his response made you feel less comfortable being open with him about it. I just want you to know that whoever you are, whoever you want and whoever you don’t want, is absolutely right and beautiful.
Stay strong, and stay connected
the Support Team
January 31, 2013 at 6:04 am #18632
Hey Youthspace, so yah those two car rides really hurt, and just added to the sexual, and emotional troubles I’ve been having lately which really sucks. I want to reach out still for help from people, but I just don’t feel like I can trust anyone again with my secrets. My ex isn’t talking to me, and I have no idea what’s going on with the other girl, and I’m scared that she has abandoned me as well.
I’ve partially reached out to one other girl at our school though, because I know that he has been going through a tough time, and I’ve seen tweets and such related to suicide. I really scared that she’ll do it because she really pretty, smart, and athletic which are awesome characteristics to have. She has some really good friends though, so I think she’ll make it through, but I still referred her to this page, and gave her my # incase she ever needed to talk. Maybe by talking to her will help me get through, but of course I’m not helping her for that reason. I just want her to be okay
February 1, 2013 at 1:05 am #18633
Well I had a good thought today. After thinking about my current situation with my ex and I being in an awkward place I realized that I’ve been here before. In grade 8 I asked a girl out who was a year younger than me. The year prior we’d been in the same class a 6/7 split, and we became pretty close over that time, and I guess I fell for her on the day I saw her when the grade 6s being named to each class. I saw her and hoped that she would be in my class, and as it turns out she was! But yah I screwed things up in grade 8. I felt like things were so awkward between us, and I avoided the area of the school that she had all of her classes in. And probably only last year I actually became comfortable talking to her again. I did a little bit in grade 10, but it was mostly grade 10 that we rekindled our friendship, and now I’d say we’re good friends again. Every once in a while ill have bursts where I begin to like like her again, but I think we’re just meant to be friends, and besides; I still feel as if my ex is the one for me.
The point I’m trying to make though is that I just have to give this relationship time. I’ve been through a similar situation before, and only today did I realize that with time it can all work out can I go back to just being friends? Maybe I don’t know, but I know that I have to give it time. Actually it was pretty similar times things became awkward with each of the girls. It was in December, and during my last year at each school. So I guess giving it a year or two when I switch schools will be good for me because I won’t see her all the time, and my new school will distract me enough to get me through everything.
February 3, 2013 at 6:45 am #18635
Tonight was a bad night the shicode thoughts came back, because I realized that it would be easier than having to think about my ex all the time. She won’t talk to me still, and I know that this will take time, but it’s just so tough
Then me and two buddies were playing a video game tonight, and one of them rage quit leaving me and the other guy. Then he left to go play zombies mode with three other friends. I joined the party, but they told me to leave because they could only take 4 people in all. It wasn’t “hey Martin wants to play this video game! How about we play multiplayer, and wait to play zombies for a time when no one else is on” but that’s just not the way some people think. One of the guys was also supposed to text me tonight to hang out, but he never did, and he apologized for that, and I was pretty tired so I wasn’t too disappointed about that. Being forced to leave their group on the video game really hurt though
Killing myself just seems like such an day way to deal with all of this. I know it’s not the honourable way to go, but I don’t really care anymore.
February 4, 2013 at 3:57 am #18639
Hi Martin Henrique,
After reading your posts, I get the sense that things had been seeming lighter these days, and I can hear so much hope in your posts from the 31st… the realization that you’ve gotten through a breakup like this before, and therefore do have the strengths and skills to do it again must have been huge. Even though I know your life as definitely changed a bit since grade 8, I’m curious as to what helped you cope during that breakup?
At the same time as that lightness, it sounds like there’s also those days when things just seem to slide back downhill into that darkness. I imagine it’s exhausting to be going up and down like that… kind of like a roller coaster ride you can’t control or predict. I’m sensing too that the low points are even harder because of the frustration and disappointment of being back in that place… which makes those thoughts of suicide louder. It scares me to hear how loud they were last night… how are the thoughts of suicide tonight?
I’m sensing that some of those darkest times for you are when you feel isolated from those around you. I imagine that your thoughts are so much louder during those times and I can appreciate how draining it might be to feel like your brain just won’t shut up. :’( You say you want to be able to reach out to someone, but you don’t think you can trust anyone right now.. want do you think would need to happen for you to feel safe enough to open up to someone?
As a final note, I just wanted to tell you how inspired I am that you’re using your own experience and insight to support the girl in your school, and I’m so glad you offered youthspace as a resource for her. I’m just wondering if you know if she’s been able to talk to anyone specifically about suicide? I ask because at ys we really encourage people to ask directly if someone is thinking of suicide, because it can be such a terrifying experience to bring up when you’re already carrying around so much pain. I’m not in any way saying you have to — it can even be an adult or someone you trust that you could ask to bring it up with her — but I did want to ask because I’m worried about her too.
Stay strong… We’re ‘hear’ for you Martin Henrique,
The Support Team.
February 4, 2013 at 7:11 am #18640
Well Iike you said I’ve changed a lot from grade 8, and I’m honestly not sure what got me through it all. Just time, and I was giving the girl space but really it was more just avoiding her because of how embarrassed I was. I was also upset at myself because I knew that I’d just ruined a really good friendship.
As for my suicidal thoughts, I haven’t been making plans as much which I guess is good, but there’s just so many ways to do it, and I’m worried that one time I’ll be feeling really down, and a chance will be there to kill myself which scares me I’m a person that likes things planned out though, so I think that if I do go through with it, that it’ll be planned I don’t think I can ever trust anyone again with this information. The two people I’ve told have left me completely, and it hurts even more, and I can’t stand for that to happen a third time. It was weird because the 2nd girl I told was really supportive the night I told her, but since then she never tried talking about it again. I know it’s a tough topic to discuss, but for her just to check up, and see how I was doing would have shown that she actually cared, but now it feels as if she doesn’t
For the girl I’ve trying to be helping, I would prefer just to talk with her because I know from personal experience that it hurts if people go off blabbing about it. But she was putting it on twitter so I’m not sure how much of a secret she wants it to be I’d still rather just talk with her about it though, and I really hope that I can help get her through it all
February 6, 2013 at 3:56 am #18642
Hello all, well I was hoping that I would kinda get away from my ex this semester…but no luck there. After my first blk everyday I see and her friend walking to their 2nd blk class…which I right across from my classroom at the same time!!! And then in block 4 they sit in the hallway that my classroom is at. I was really thinking that not seeing her might make me get over her, but well I guess that won’t be happening this semester.
Grad is coming up…and I don’t want to go AT ALL everyone else is so excited for it, but I’m dreading it, and really hoping that I can just skip it. I wanted to bring my ex when we were dating, but I decided against asking her because it was pretty far in the future. Yet another what if there that maybe if I’d asked her we would still be together also at the last dance we had the Winter Formal, I just sat around depressed the entire time, and I think I’ll be doing the same thing at Grad which sucks
Then I went over to a friends house the other day which was cut short because his dog was puking, but he made a good point when we were talking about my ex. He really wants me to get over her, and doesn’t understand why I like her just because of how different we are. Really I don’t understand either, but she just made me happy all the time, and I’ve never felt that way before. My friend said that maybe because sheafs me feel like that, that that’s why I want her back, so I can feel that way again. Which makes sense, but is that really so wrong? I’ve talked to plenty of girls, and there was just something about her that made me smile whenever I saw a text arrive from her, or a message on FB come from her. I could talk to her for hours and never be bored, and I can’t stand not having her in my life right now. I haven’t talked to her in about a week, and I’m contemplating making another attempt at talking to her again. Yah it’s probably too soon, and chances are she won’t respond, but I have to try.
Another friend I’ve known since I was in diapers said just to seem happy, give her space, and she’ll realize that leaving me was a mistake, but I can’t be, or act truly happy without her, it was a good idea, but I’m not sure it’ll work
Finally suicide…I’ve contemplated it to get out of grad, and that really just shows how much I want to go. Plus it’ll stop all these horrible feelings I’ve been having, and that would be awesome.
February 8, 2013 at 3:44 am #18645
I get the sense that memories of your ex are still consuming your mind. I’m imagining that seeing her everyday isn’t helping your process of moving on either :S
Seems like you are constantly reminded of her and your time together. I hear frustration at friends who don’t get how important she was to you. How are you taking care of yourself during this time of grieving and processing?
You speak so honestly about suicide. I can hear the temptation of avoiding all the potential pain of grad, and ending the horribly hopeless feelings you are holding. I’m scared thinking of all the weight that suicide holds in your mind….what is helping you stay alive right now?
Your courage in speaking about these thoughts of suicide is powerful Martin. I’m sad to hear your honesty isn’t always received with warm support. Suicide is still a topic that makes lots of people uncomfortable. So thank you for being a safe person to talk to about suicide. Know that we are here for you.
Thank you for sharing your strength with us.
The Support Team
February 8, 2013 at 7:04 am #18646
The thing I was holding onto just left me, and I’d hoped she might give me another chance. Last night though I asked her friend why my ex hated me and her friend said that my ex didnt hate me. She just didnt want to be friends anymore, and I think that she’s right. Tonight her fb account was commenting onto all of these comments about a weight loss thing, so I figured it was spam. So I sent her a text thinking hey maybe if I help her out and tell her it’ll be a step in the right direction. An hour later I check back, and she’s blocked me on there. I was just trying to help.
I don’t know what I’m going to do now, and I’m scared
February 10, 2013 at 9:44 am #18647
Well…happy one month anniversary on here
Today was tough, but then again when hasn’t it been. My grad is coming in June, and right now I just want to skip it.
Ex doesn’t want to be friends with me, and I’m pretty sure that’s final. There’s nothing else I can do to change her mind, so I’m thinking nothing new will wind up here on the forum, so here’s my last post. Thanks everyone for listening, and thank you Youthspace for talking and listening to me.
February 12, 2013 at 7:22 am #18648
Hey sorry one last thing. The second girl I told about my suicidal thoughts…she’s been awesome lately, and has just been that friend that my ex was, and I can really talk to her about anything, and it’s pretty awesome to have that again and just knowing that she didnt really let go of me
February 12, 2013 at 8:19 am #18649
Hi Martin Henrique,
I can hear devastating it was to lose that hope that your ex would forgive you and that you could move forward together… it sounds like it was such a huge blow. :’( I’m sensing that it led to that somewhat-solid footing you were balancing on to crumble away… and left you to spiral down into a really dark place. It worries me to hear how scared you are, and to hear that you’re feeling like the things you were clinging on to in order to stay alive are disappearing.
In reading your words, I’m sensing that a feeling of exhaustion is hanging so heavily over you, and I can only imagine how draining it is to feel like every day is tough and comes with pain… I’m guessing that the desire for an escape from the stress, pressures and pain could seem so strong. I’m worried about you, and I’m wondering how loud the thoughts of suicide are for you right now Martin?
That being said, I am really glad to hear that that girl is there to support you. I can hear that her concern and caring is bringing light to your life, and making it possible for you to see hope.
It’s not my place to tell you that you need to keep posting on here, but do know that we are here to talk about whatever is going on for you. No one deserves to be isolated with their pain, and even if you feel stuck and are feeling like there’s nothing new, you are still welcome to post or chat about what’s going on for you — in your life and in your mind.
We are here for you Martin, and care about you.
The Support Team.
February 20, 2013 at 7:42 am #18655
Well after taking a brief leave I realized how happy I should be in life with everything going on this year. I was accepted into my dream program at my dream college, just last week I was one of 30 students selected to partake in a student reporter gig with a large television company in Canada, and well I’m graduating which should be cool.
I don’t want to go to grad though, I hate the thought if it, and really want to skip it no matter how weird that sounds. Tomorrow at school though we have some presenter coming to our school, and he’s doing some big anti bullying thing, and part of it includes suicide. Then 50 students were selected to stay afterwards and work in some workshop, and I’m worried I was picked because the councillor knows I was contemplating suicide, but I don’t know. Just this whole assembly has brought up the feelings of suicide again, and tonight I was spending time researching a way to kill myself.
The girl I told about this all has been awesome still, but I just don’t think her help is enough to get me through this.
Oh and a girl said she liked me the other week, but a few days after I told her I wasn’t interested (as nicely as I could) she informed me that I was really just a rebound from another guy she likes. So hey the past two girls who’ve liked me have just used me as a rebound…luckily I didn’t agree to date the new girl, or I would’ve ended up the same way I did with my first and last girlfriend. I just feel like a rebound guy now, and it sucks
February 23, 2013 at 1:10 am #18658
Sometimes a step back can give a bit of perspective (like looking at a picture in an art gallery), and it sounds like taking some time to look at the positive things that have been happening in your life has given some clarity about how your feeling, or how you want to feel, about the way your life is going.
The image in my mind is that of a bird with a weight tied to its ankle…like you know that you want to fly, and that the sky is so close, but that the weight is too much to lift. Sounds like even though there’s quite a few good things going on for you, that there are still some things pulling you down.. I get the sense that these girls using you as a rebound really hurts.. that even though you weren’t interested in this girl, you still want to be seen and liked for you.. not as a way for a girl to get over another guy..
You mention that the thoughts of suicide have really been triggered lately, especially by the assembly. It scares me that you feel like your friend’s support might not be enough to help you through…it sounds like the edge is really close sometimes. I’m so glad that you connected with us again; I can’t imagine that it was easy to reach out, especially if you’re feeling indifferent to your own life right now. :’(
Thanks for staying connected,
The Support Team
February 26, 2013 at 2:31 am #18661
I really get that bird tied down thing. I really feel as if I should be flying right now, but this whole thing with my ex is just holding me down.
And well I’ve had another friend I’ve been able to talk to lately which has really helped. We’ve really only been friends a short while, but whenever I talk with her, it actually feels as if she cares about what’s going on with me, and that’s just awesome because I haven’t felt that since my ex because well I thought she cared about me. Only problem with this new friend…she’s also best friends with my ex. I don’t know why the two people I’ve trusted most since the breakup have been two of her best friends, and I just feel like I shouldn’t be talking to them and it sucks to feel that way, but this new girl makes me feel so open, and just seems to care about me, so I really don’t want to break that bond
February 26, 2013 at 9:26 pm #18662
Sometimes it’s hard to feel free to be happy and fly where you please when there is something tying you to your past or sadness…I can really get that. I can hear that you want to move on, but you are constantly reminded of your ex. It sounds like your heart and mind are conflicted within these new friendships…you don’t want to turn down the incredible support and connection you have with this new girl, yet you are feeling some guilt about this new friendship…?
I’m really grateful that you have found some authentic support in a caring person Martin. I admire your courage in seeking support. I’m wondering what else might help you feel free to fly?
Thx for talking about it
~ the Support Team
February 28, 2013 at 3:49 am #18663
Yah I feel awful about this new friendship, and I worry that I’m going to develop feelings for the girl, because I know it’s never work since I dated one of her best friends, and I’m friends with her sister, so things might be weird
I don’t really know what else is going to help me fly right now though. Just this support from the girl has been amazing, and I don’t think I’d be alive right now if it wasn’t for her, and the second girl I told about my suicidal thoughts. I’m just really glad that they’ve been here for me, and although I’d like to hope they’ll be enough I get me through, I’m not so sure
March 2, 2013 at 12:39 am #18664
I get the sense that you spend a lot of time watching and trying to understand the world, and that when you look at your life, as if you were outside of it, you see a guy who seems to have so much going right. And it’s hard then, to be in this place where you can see that, but you know that under the layers of accomplishment and success, there’s a deep agony of loneliness and grief. I can hear your frustration at not being able to emotionally feel what it seems like you ought to be able to feel.
What a huge relief and powerful gift to have found someone with whom you can be so open and honest…but on the other hand, it sounds like there’s a part of you that’s holding back because of her connection to your ex. I would imagine that it feel like every step you take has to be analyzed closely so that things don’t get weird. That must add to the stress and uncertainty immensely, and make you question whether you can really trust yourself to that support?
You’re still walking on the edge, hey? That’s a scary and delicate place to be, and I can totally understand why the supports that you have mean so much right now. It sounds like they are the only things holding you up, and it’s still barely enough. :’(
Sending love (and a virtual hug) your way,
-The Support Team
March 7, 2013 at 8:11 am #18668
Hey just wanted to check in again, so I’m on the rugby team, and I’ve been really busy lately which has been awesome because it’s kept my mind busy. Unfortunately grad talk is now in full blast…this sucks for me because I have no date, no friends to go down with, and honestly no desire to even go. Maybe if I found someone to go with it’d at least give me some motivation, but girls seem to be expecting big giant presentations for being asked, but I’m more old fashioned get them off to the side, and just ask quietly. Plus whenever I think of a girl to ask, I always figure they’ll say no because they’d probably rather go with so many other people besides me
Suicide thoughts were quieting down a few days ago…but now I just don’t know what to think
March 9, 2013 at 6:24 am #18672
Good to hear from you again Martin.
It sounds like with everything keeping you occupied lately, you’ve been able to squeeze out slightly from under the heaviness that was weighing you down. Definitely cool that you did end up getting into rugby; is it fun?
Under the surface though, it sounds like there are rumbles that are making you wonder if an emotional earthquake is coming on… I get the sense that looking forward to grad is still something that doesn’t feel good at all, and it’s getting more ominous as the date approaches… It must be intimidating to think about approaching someone, especially when you feel like you’ll just get rejected. And it sounds like you’re feeling unwanted by the other people at your school too.. which just adds to the stress and worry about how grad will go? :'(
Thanks for letting us know how you’re doing right now, and for being honest about suicidal thoughts. We’re definitely “hear” to support you, however strong those feelings are.
The Support Team
March 9, 2013 at 8:18 am #18674
Oh man rugby is awesome such a good place just to vent, and it’s really calming when you’re all done
Grad stuff still sucks, and I have no idea if I’ll even take anyone, but there is good news my ex might start talking to me again. One of her friends talked to her about me, and it sounds like she’ll start talking to me, as long as I want to be just friends. I am so dedicated to have her back in my life, and I’m willing to be just friends so that has really gotten that rock detatched from me. She’s camping this weekend, but I hope when she comes back that she’ll start talking to me again
March 12, 2013 at 12:03 am #18676
Martin it is so rad to hear that you have found an outlet in rugby! Sounds like you feel a real sense of tranquility after letting go of so much over practice. We always love hearing about what works for you! So cool that something as physically exhausting as rugby can be so emotionally recharging
It sounds like you are at a really exciting place in relation to your ex. I get the sense that you are inspired by this opportunity to have her back in your life as a friend. I’m thinking it’s like a door has opened into new, unknown possibilities.
Keep us posted as to how you’re doing Martin.
the Support Team
March 12, 2013 at 6:11 am #18677
Well my ex and I are talking again, but grad is bad. Last night I lied in bed for about 20 minutes just shaking and crying about how I wish I dead instead of having to go to grad. I’m scared of what’s to come.
March 15, 2013 at 4:40 am #18683
I’m really getting an understanding of how anxious and defeated you feel when thinking of grad. It seems like the prospect of going thru this event which other people are looking forward to has you feeling hopeless in life. I can hear the desperation with which you wish you could avoid grad. The fact that you are considering death as an option to avoid grad has me really worried for you Martin
The Support Team
March 15, 2013 at 2:45 pm #18685
Well I guess I have a few ways I could kill myself. Not like a schedule though or anytime picked out to do it. It seems like so many things I do now though I imagine ways I could kill myself through doing them. Grad just seems like it’s supposed to be such a happy time, and the way I’m feeling makes me feel like even more of an outsider to everyone
March 18, 2013 at 3:50 am #18686
I’ve had a weird couple of days…on Saturday I had my soccer team over for a wrap up, and that was good I guess, but nothing really special I was also talking to my ex in the morning though….and well we got back to the topic of my suicide, and I’m really scare that she’s going to tell my parents. She’s threatened to come over and tell them, but if she does that I worry that they’ll react to an extreme although I’m not sure how. But then her two friends I’ve been talking to, my ex said that they don’t care about my problems. I asked both of the girls, and they both denied it, but I just can’t get that doubt out of the back of my mind. I don’t think I’ll be talking to either again, and it’s probably for the best. If I do kill myself they hopefully won’t miss me as much if I hadn’t talked to them as much. I don’t know why my ex would lie to me about that, and it’s just really confusing. Then today I went shoppig for my grad clothing, but I’m not sure ill live to that point. I was really excited when we first got home with all my new stuff (I also got 2 books, and one of those new Canucks hats with the logos they played with against Detroit this Saturday) but then reality struck in again as I was reminded with my grad stuff how I don’t have a date. I really thought about asking one girl, but I’m a pretty boring guy, and I don’t want to ruin her night, or anyone else’s, so I’ll probably just go alone. I don’t even know yet how I’m getting down there yet, which everyone else seems to know.
March 18, 2013 at 8:05 pm #18689
I can really hear how your feelings of isolation get intensified when you think that you should be happy about grad. It must be really tough to see others so excited about grad when you are feeling so left out by different aspects of this event, like who will you go with, how will you get there…I’m thinking that hearing about other peoples’ plans makes you feel excluded. Seems like all these unknowns are overwhelming you, to the point where life and grad just seem totally disparaging…to the point that death looks like a viable way to avoid the potential pain caused by continuing to live…it scares me to think that you might not be around until grad Martin.
While you say you aren’t making any specific plans about ending your life, the thought is constantly on your mind. Are there times that these urges to end your life are lessened?
I get the sense that you are confused about your friends too, and unsure where to turn for support now that these 2 girls might not want to hear what you are thinking. I want to thank you for your courage in continuing to talk about your thoughts of suicide and all the challenges that life is throwing at you Martin. I do worry about you and hope that if your thoughts of suicide become overwhelming, you will reach out and find more support. Have you considered who you would contact if the thoughts become unbearable?
We are always here for you, in forum or in chat.
The Youthspace Team
March 22, 2013 at 8:57 am #18696
Well, I guess the thoughts are lessened when I’m busy, but whenever I’m not I just get super depressed. Turns out my ex was lying about the two girls not wanting to talk to me, and she just doesn’t want me talking to her friends. She said later its fine if it helps me get through, but who cares anymore. I don’t have anyone to contact if these thoughts become too much. I have the suicide hotline, but I don’t think I’ll use that my family doesn’t know, and of the two “friends” that know about my suicidal thoughts, my ex seems to talk to me just because she’s scared I’ll kill myself if she doesn’t. It’s nice of her, but when the only actual conversations where I can get more than one word outta her in response are when we talk about my suicide…that doesn’t really help then the other girl…she’s in a great place, and I don’t need to screw up her life. She has a great boyfriend, she has great friends, and she seems happy. I’m not going to ruin her days by making her deal with my crap. I know she would, but I just can’t put that on her.
March 25, 2013 at 4:27 am #18701
There’s a sense in your words of profound exhaustion, like you’re getting fed up with putting energy into keeping your head above the water. It must have dug a deep hole in your trust to find out that your ex was lying to you about something that is as important as her friends who were helping you cope. I can hear your agony at seeing so many of your supports crumble when you need them still…. It sounds, too, like it’s hard to want to share your pain with the one friend because so much seems to be good in her life, and it hurts to think that you might be a burden by sharing your feelings.
The interactions you have with your ex sound bittersweet…like on the one hand it’s somewhat reassuring to know that she cares enough to talk to you about the suicidal thoughts, but on the other side you’re left hanging when you try to connect with her about anything else. I can imagine how hollow it make the moments with her seem, and I’m wondering if that just adds to the pain that you were already feeling?
The weight you’re carrying is heavy indeed, Martin. I can see how crushingly exhausting it is to keep it up everyday, like Atlas carrying the Earth. Stay strong.
The Support Team
March 25, 2013 at 10:05 pm #18703Green LizardMember
Hey, I just wanted to tell you that you won’t always feel the same way about your ex. There are stages of grief and some people take longer with them. It’s perfectly natural. People telling you to just get over her, have probably never been through heartbreak before. It sounds like the level of commitment between you two was different. You were ready to give her your heart, but she hadn’t gotten to that stage yet.
You don’t sound boring. You’ve mentioned three sports, plus the gym. You’ve also mentioned you help the teacher out, which means you must be pretty good with academics. To me, you sound like a great guy. Someday, someone will see that, and maybe, someday your ex will too.
March 26, 2013 at 5:42 am #18704
Hey, so lately I’ve been having insane mood swings on my suicidal thoughts. One minute I’m super happy, and the next I’m depressed. Honestly I think the weather getting better is cheering me up, and this spring break has been a pleasant break from all the grad chat. I know when I’m back at school though, that the idea of grad will be everywhere, and I’m not sure how I’ll cope so the TV program I made it into ends Wesnesday when we all go on air, but the next day I have my first ball hockey practice. Really my television gig has kept me alive until now because I don’t want to let them down, and I think a similar thing will happen with me for ball hockey. That’s good because it lasts 2-3 months.
Talking to my ex is okay…but I’m really worried right now, because I told the cops about this one party and they called the kid, so it got shut down. I did that because my ex was supposed to go, and the party was going to be outta control, so I was just trying to protect her. I haven’t told anyone I called the cops, and I can’t or everyone at school will hate me. For the party, he told everyone about it, and told everyone to bring as many people, and booze as they could, thus I knew it’d be unsafe for my ex who I know likes to drink to a point where she doesn’t remember what happened the morning. I just shudder at the guys who would take advantage of her in that stage, and it’s just one party, but hopefully it helps for talking with her, she can really overreact to stuff, and it sucks because I’m scared of answering certain questions with how I really feel. My last few days have just been filed with ups and downs.
March 29, 2013 at 1:15 am #18710
The mood swings sound really disorienting — to be one moment in a feeling of sadness and pain and then be whipped around to the other end and feel cheer and hope. It must just leave your mind reeling. And the unpredictability itself might be frightening; I can imagine it’s difficult to go through the days feeling like you can’t even trust your mind to stay on one emotional track. :S I can hear how grateful you are to have things, like the TV program and ball hockey, that help to balance out the heavier thoughts and the dread of grad.
It’s scary what you’ve got to say about the party that you reported. It sounds like it could have been a very risky place for your ex to be, and that you were super concerned for her. I’m hearing how ugly it felt to report, knowing that it would make life awful if people at school knew it was you…. Are you worried because of what your ex might say if she found out? I get the sense that you hold back sometimes when you’re talking to her because you’re scared of what might happen if you told everything…
Lots of ups and downs indeed, Martin; I can hear how tumultuous life feels. Stay connected; we’re here to listen as you navigate the bumpy road.
The Support Team
April 3, 2013 at 5:20 am #18720
Hey, yah I am really worried about her finding out that I told the cops. Somehow someone foundout, but no one has been able to prove anything yet. Someone posted it anonymously to the hosts page, and so he asked me about it. I had to lie to him, and about three others. I felt the worst though because one was my ex, and the other is the girl who I told after my ex I was thinking about suicide. As much as I’d love to trust them, it’s just something that could spread easily, and make life tougher for me than it already is. They changed the date of the party though, so my ex still went, but it wasn’t the madhouse it would’ve been had it been the other day, so I guess it’s…okay
I do really hold back, because I want us to stay in contact, but I feel like if I say everything on my mind that she’ll get even more mad at me than she already is.
But yah, really just a lot of ups and downs lately. I haven’t been thinking about suicode a lot lately, but I don’t know how things are going to go with grad. I just got invited to travel downtown in a partybus so I guess it was nice to be included in that. As per usual though, I know that ill be the boring kid who sits in the corner, and doesn’t do everything
April 5, 2013 at 3:15 am #18721
It sounds like things with the party are feeling pretty precarious. It must feel pretty anxious to picture your ex possibly finding out that you alerted the cops. I can imagine you’re just hoping it will all blow over as quickly as possible. :S I’m hearing that it’s a burden on your heart, knowing that you’ve lied to your ex and others about calling the cops. It must seem really bittersweet to have to be forced into that lie when your intent in the first place was to keep her safe…
It sounds like you’re walking a lot of tightropes lately, Martin…between wanting to share more with your ex, but having to hold back…between the emotional highs and lows… And I can hear how it’s tiring you out, and, I’m guessing, making you wonder if you will have the strength to deal with the possible loneliness of grad. That’s cool about the party bus (those things look rather intense!). Must have been a thrill to have that experience, although it sounds like it also brought up some feelings of isolation and being distanced from the other people there? I get the sense that you’re feeling pretty low about yourself right now…
Stay connected Martin. We always want to hear about the highs and the lows.
The Support Team
April 27, 2013 at 4:00 am #18745
Hey, so the party stuff has all died down, so that’s good. I feel awkward seeing the party host though, but hey at least he doesn’t know. Grad stuff is okay, although I still feel like the odd one out whenever I’m with friends. I just want to be included, but that’s not working out.
My suicide thoughts have reduced more which is good, but I still don’t feel like I’m out free. I still imagine dying, and it’s a thought that I’ve come to accept all this time. All these things I’ve waited for hoping to help me have been temporary plugs, but they can’t seem to help me in the long run.
April 29, 2013 at 4:36 am #18748
Whew. I’m glad to hear that the storm has passed about the party. I know that was a pretty huge source of added stress, and I bet it’s a relief to have it fading away behind you.
Sounds like things have been on a bit more of an even keel lately, and that even grad is becoming a bit more bearable to think about. I get the sense that you’re still frustrated and saddened a lot, but that those feelings are not driving you to think about ending your life in the way that they were. Honestly, I relax a bit when I hear that. It doesn’t mean that things don’t still suck – and I understand that they sometimes really do – but just that you’re at a point where death doesn’t seem to lurk quite so scarily close.
Still, on that note, you mention that the thoughts are still there, and that you feel like nothing is changing for you in the long run. I wonder if you’re questioning whether the fact that they are still there means they could overwhelm you in the future sometime? :S
Here for you,
The Support Team
June 8, 2013 at 5:14 am #18788
Hey youthspace, long time no talk to. Can’t say I missed it here, because it meant I was okay for a time, but I’m back, and have a whole new story to add.
So I was talking with this girl three years younger than me, and we really opened up to each other, and I fell for her. Then her friend started a rumour about me how I said to her that I would be with the girl I liked by the end of the year, and that freaked the girl I like out, so she backed off, and didn’t talk to me that weekend. I found out what happened, and explained what happened on the Monday and we managed to patch things up, but things haven’t been the same since. Then I found out that she was making out with this guy all around the school, an it really hurt me, because I still had a small hope that she still liked me.
Then I have her a letter explaining how I felt, and a mineral dolphin I bought in grade 7 that I had promised myself I would give to the first girl I really fell for. I always thought about giving it to my girlfriend mentionned in here, but it just didn’t seem right, so I guess it’s good I didn’t give it to her.
Giving it to this other girl doesn’t seem like such a great idea now though, because even though she said the letter and dolphin were the sweetest things that anyone had ever done for her, that she still just wanted to be friends. She knows I’ve thought about suicide before, and then I brought it up again, so she got worried, and we decided to talk the next day when things calmed down, because I had had a tough night, and explained that that’s why I had snapped. That was last night…
Then in school today, the counsellor came to my class, and called me down to his office, so I got another wonderful talk. Turns out the girls parents had come in, and pretty much told the counsellor that they were worried about their daughter being so close with a suicidal grade 12, and I was told by the counsellor to back off. The girls friend also knew about my suicidal thoughts, and how I like the girl, but neither of them are supposed to talk with me now.
I don’t understand why everyone I open up to leaves me
June 10, 2013 at 9:11 pm #18793
While it might be weird to say it’s nice to hear from you (cos like you said, your absence was an indication that things were going well) I will say that we noticed your temporary disappearance from the Forum
I can really hear the pain with which you relay this story Martin…sounds like you had so much hope for your relationship with this girl. You had a really unique and honest connection, and you felt safe and supported sharing your story and struggles with her, just as she did with you. I can only imagine the shock and devastation you feel now, having that support and connection ripped away from you. Seems like this pattern of being left by those people that you trust and become vulnerable with is really wearing you down…
It hurts to think that everyone is pulling away, right when you need their support the most Can you tell me where you are at with your suicidal thoughts today?
I know that sometimes you feel completely alone in this battle Martin, and I’m truly thankful that you continue to connect with us. We aren’t going anywhere. I’m wondering how your weekend went? How do you take care of yourself when no one else has your back?
the Support Team
June 11, 2013 at 6:04 am #18796
I don’t know who else I can tell I don’t want my parents to find out, because I don’t like it when they worry about me…
Suicide thoughts for today? Well I guess it’s become not so much “if” I’ll commit suicide, as “when” I’ll commit suicide. I hurt the people I care deeply about, and I don’t want to hurt anyone else. I guess it’s selfish to say, but I know the people I’ve told will be hurt by me dying, and I still want to die. They’ll be over me sooner or later I know, and I guess that’s all I can ask for. The scariest part, is this past girl I’ve liked, has said she’ll kill herself if I do too…I don’t think she will though, because from personal experience it’s a lot tougher to actually kill yourself, then it seems. I’ve been thinking about it since November, but I still haven’t had the guts to do it.
I guess my weekend was okay, I had my commencemt on Saturday, so apparently that means I’m officially graduated. It’s one thing I wanted to do before I died, so I guess there’s not much holding me back now. Then the next day we had a family BBQ with my family to celebrate the occasion, and it hurt to hear them all saying how proud they are, and how they can’t wait to see what I’ll do with my future. I just don’t know if my future will be much longer than a few weeks
June 15, 2013 at 5:58 am #18800
It sounds like the devastation of feeling so alone with this pain, and being forced to stay away from the girl who you had grown so close to, are adding to the sadness that you were already carrying around. It sounds like the threads that have been holding you up are being cut one by one, and it’s getting harder and harder to take those added rejections. It’s heart-wrenching to hear how utterly finished you are feeling… :’(
My heart goes out to you, Martin. There have been so many moments of having your love shattered since November. I’m imagining that the sense of rejection and intense sadness is always there, making it impossible to feel worthy of life and love. You know that it will hurt people if you kill yourself, but I also get the sense that it’s beginning to be hard to believe that anyone would care for long… It sounds like you have become convinced that they SHOULDN’T care — that you’re not worth it.
I can hear how bitterly saddening your family’s praise was, when inside you are felt like crumbling away. I think it was really strong that you held on long enough to see graduation through and fulfill that goal. As present as thoughts of death are, I wonder if there is anything else now that might help you to keep going? Before, you mentioned your interest in pursuing a certain program at college. I’m curious (you don’t have to answer if it’s an uncomfortable question) about whether you still see that as a possibility for you?
We think you are VERY worth it, Martin. Despite the heartache and emotional drag that you’ve been through, your words reveal how much you desire to connect with — and care for — people.
Sending love your way,
The Support Team
June 16, 2013 at 6:50 pm #18801
Yah I know people will care, but I don’t think that they will for very long. Like I guess my family will…but I can’t think of any friends close enough to me that won’t forget me easily. I don’t get why people would care though. I can’t think of anything right now that will get me through the summer. The summer is usually a bad time for me, because I always stick around home, and then my parents get mad at me for not being social.
I still want to pursue the college course, but it’s certainly not enough for me to hold onto life.
Last night I had my grad, and there’s this one girl I kind of like, and I really wanted to get a picture with her. But then I realized that it’d just be a reminder to her of me when I die, so I decided it wasn’t a good idea. There’s this other girl a few years younger than me I’ve been talking to, and she’s really nice, and caring, but I’m trying my best not to like like her, because she’s the person right now I’m telling everything to, and I can’t afford to lose that.
Life just doesn’t seem worth living right now. I hurt the people I care about outside of my family, and in turn they’ve hurt me, by eventually turning their backs on me. Starting from my ex, to my friends, and most recently the girl I’ve fallen for.
June 19, 2013 at 3:42 am #18804
I’m hearing that you’re still very torn between feelings of hopelessness and aspirations for the future… like that college course still holds your interest but there are so many barriers in the way that you can’t see yourself there. It sounds like at your core you really long to be happy – to find a future for yourself with someone to love and a career that makes you happy.
I imagine the summer seems to be stretching endlessly in front of you with no real plans and with the awareness that your parents expect you to go out and socialize. It’s like you’re being forced out of your safe zone (home) and into the world without your parents understanding just how agonizing that can be for you.
I can see how confused you feel over your feelings for this girl who is your confidant as well as your ex and the girl you fell for recently. Those are a lot of different emotions to process and all coming at you from different angles — coupled with the question of whether they would truly care once you were gone.
We are here for you Martin when you need to share and feel heard.
August 20, 2013 at 11:40 pm #18838
Everything is so much better now.
I never believed the people that said that it would, but with time, things really do get better. I was talking with my aunt the other day, and she was talking to me about bullying in high school, and how she wished people could see that things often get better afterwards. High school just brought me down, and I don’t have many if any memories. One day I may regret that, but for now, I’m just so happy I’m out of there. In a few weeks I start college, and I am excited, but of course nervous for starting at a new place.
The girl I talked about last time, I’ve fallen for her, and she knows, but doesn’t like me. The difference with her though, is that we’ve stayed friends, and she hasn’t left me. I have told her as much as I can about myself, and no one knows more personal stuff about me. I can deal with her not liking me though.
I had one awful weekend pretty soon after my last post, and I wouldn’t har been able to handle it without this amazing girl in my life. My ex told me she only datede to look cool for dating an older guy, some stuff came up about my dads cancer, and the girl I used to like posted a picture of her making out with some guy, a week after hooking up with another guy at my school all over the place. It hurt because it showed I meant to her, but really none of it phased me, because I have amazing family, an incredible future, and most importantly, an amazing girl to share it with. I’m not sure what level that will always be, whether we just stay friends, try a relationship, or break away from each other with me being at a new school (but I will do everything I canto make sure we don’t drift apart.
Please everyone read this, know things get better. I never believed it, and most of you probably won’t either, but it does, and it’s a really important lesson to learn.
August 22, 2013 at 1:25 am #18839
It’s so lovely to hear how much better things are going for you – thank you for taking the time to share your experience and hope here on our forum as I’m sure there are others who can benefit from your message. I can hear that your perspective on your life has shifted now that high school has ended and you’re embarking on the next chapter of your life in college.
I get the sense that your relationship with this girl is very special to you… despite her feelings being different than yours you have maintained a friendship which means a lot to you. It sounds as though you are opening yourself up to her and feeling that the risk is being honoured with your friendship growing deeper.
I’d imagine that the one weekend you mentioned was incredibly difficult with your dad’s cancer and feeling hurt by your ex. I’m sure at the time it felt like the darkness was infinite and never ending but then something changed for you and you’ve found the lightness once more.
I hope you are able to hang onto this new hope as your move forward in your journey Martin. Know that we are always here to listen if you need a safe place to share what’s happening in your life.
The Support Team
September 21, 2013 at 9:36 pm #18857TereziParticipant
Things always get better. I really hope they do..
I’m happy you’re feeling better Martin ^-^
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