It sounds like the devastation of feeling so alone with this pain, and being forced to stay away from the girl who you had grown so close to, are adding to the sadness that you were already carrying around. It sounds like the threads that have been holding you up are being cut one by one, and it’s getting harder and harder to take those added rejections. It’s heart-wrenching to hear how utterly finished you are feeling… :’(
My heart goes out to you, Martin. There have been so many moments of having your love shattered since November. I’m imagining that the sense of rejection and intense sadness is always there, making it impossible to feel worthy of life and love. You know that it will hurt people if you kill yourself, but I also get the sense that it’s beginning to be hard to believe that anyone would care for long… It sounds like you have become convinced that they SHOULDN’T care — that you’re not worth it.
I can hear how bitterly saddening your family’s praise was, when inside you are felt like crumbling away. I think it was really strong that you held on long enough to see graduation through and fulfill that goal. As present as thoughts of death are, I wonder if there is anything else now that might help you to keep going? Before, you mentioned your interest in pursuing a certain program at college. I’m curious (you don’t have to answer if it’s an uncomfortable question) about whether you still see that as a possibility for you?
We think you are VERY worth it, Martin. Despite the heartache and emotional drag that you’ve been through, your words reveal how much you desire to connect with — and care for — people.
Sending love your way,
The Support Team