It’s good to hear from you again. We’ve definitely been thinking of you, and wondering how thing were playing out in the hospital. It sounds like you’re feeling very lost and overwhelmed, and perhaps frustrated that your stay there wasn’t more helpful?
I get the sense from your words that it’s like you’re trying to build up your strength and find a way to be okay, but that even the smallest things are really hard right now, and it’s difficult to find hope in the cracks between the heavy weights that are being laid down on you. It sounds like everything that you try to do, from leaving your apartment, to eating, to avoiding harming yourself is increasingly exhausting and hard to face, and you’re wondering how bad it can get before it all has to end? Suicide sounds like a very real (and terrifying) option in your mind right now, and I wonder what you mean when you say that it “does not matter”? Is it the fear that does not matter, or the reality of suicide?
It sounds like you’re also increasingly angry with yourself, and I would imagine that the angrier you are at YOU, the harder it is to fight against that urge to kill yourself. :’(
I’m glad to hear that the demons have quieted down some. It sounds like getting the medications both provided some relief and caused a new kind of pain….I get the sense that it was extremely hard to have people at the hospital tell you that parts of your everyday experience are not “real”.
Stay connected grenouille; we are here to support you, and to listen, even when everything seems to be going downhill.
-The Support Team