October 19, 2012 at 12:34 am #16363
Well i have been having issues with self harm since i was 8 but it just seems to me it keeps getting worse. everyday it gets worse and i feel so ashamed and i have this big feeling of guilt i know it getting worse then it has ever been. it scary but at the same time i like it because i feel so alone and worthless i sometimes just do not know what else to do besides that and i think of diying alot to!
October 19, 2012 at 10:00 pm #18431
Hi grenouille19, Im glad you posted – you’re not alone here
Its clear how much youre hurting Im hearing that self harm is really the only thing that helps ease the pain, but its also causing you a lot of extra feelings you wouldnt have if you didnt self harm I dont know how old you are, but Im getting the sense youve used self harm as a coping strategy for awhile now… Im wondering if the thoughts of suicide are more recent? Im worried about you, and happy youre talking about it with us… does anyone else know how bad its been getting?
You mentioned that you don’t know what else to do besides self h. and I was curious if youve tried anything else? Has there ever been a time when you couldnt self h., so you had to do something else and it kinda worked? Not sure if youre interested, but heres a list of some ideas… http://self-injury.net/information-ecovery/recovery/distractions The distractions obviously arent a solution, but they are safer… and we want you to be safe.
Stay strong grenouille19, and stay connected…
the Support Team
October 20, 2012 at 3:35 pm #18432
hello this is different actually someone who understand and does not take me the wrong way
i have been self harming for along time now and i have tried things but nothing make me feel the same nothing i have tried does anything for me but make the self harm get worse witch is why is do not know what else to do because i do not have any other options only one person somewhat knows but she is wanting me to get help with the little she knows and says i need to go to treatment to deal with the underlined issues .
as for the suicide the thought of suicide are not recent it has been going on for a while
October 21, 2012 at 11:55 pm #18435
i can not take things anymore at all i feel finished with everything. i feel like hibernating in my appartement and never leaving ever ever ever again. i feel that is the only way to hibernate an SH
October 22, 2012 at 4:43 am #18436
From your first post, I get the sense that SH harm has been a part of your life for so long now that it seems difficult to think of living without it. It’s been a lengthy and extremely lonely struggle, hasn’t it? I’m hearing that it isn’t easy for you to think about telling people that you SH; maybe the possibility of being misunderstood is worse than trying to get through it alone…I’m wondering how you’re feeling about the suggestion that the person made that you seek help or treatment? Am I right in hearing that you don’t really like the idea? :S
From your second post, it sounds like your exhaustion and pain are reaching a breaking point. You said that suicide has been on your mind for a while, and there’s a feeling like you’re done with everything. My heart goes out to you, grenouille; I can hear how hopelessly dark and lost you’re feeling. :’( It sounds like you’re SO tired from fighting the pain that you want to curl up with the only thing that seems to help at all (SH) – and have the rest of the world disappear for a while. I’m wondering if suicide is becoming more of a reality than ever before for you?
We care for your safety and your life, grenouille19. I know this is a desperate time for you. We’re beside you as you fight through the pain.
The Support Team
October 24, 2012 at 1:29 am #18441
Well i have started hibernation only since Monday and it is deffinetly a lot better then being out of my apartment.
with everything going on i feel this was the best solution for me. i only have to deal with my self therefor a lot less stress for me
i am still having big debates in my head but yes it is a lot easier doing it on my own then being misunderstood. you are right i do not like the idea of treatment at all. i am so mentally tiered and in a lot of pain it is hard to fight these battle but i am managing i think
October 24, 2012 at 11:31 pm #18444
there are so many debates in my head i feel like i am actually fighting with a crowed of people, does that make any sense? because i am not sure if i actually make sense when i am telling people these thing well tomorrow i actually have to go see a psychiatrist i not really looking forward to that but make it will help things make sense in my head maybe it will just get worse or maybe what my worker whisperer on Monday will come true she whisperer beneath her breath she said that i will end up in the hospital i do not want to go and that is a scary though to me well i will stop babbling here and go get some school work done
October 25, 2012 at 4:41 am #18447
well here i am again i should really stop non stop posting sorry to be a bother but i must correct something to my last post and add stuff.
well first i shortly after i wrote that post i found out i had to drop out out school so no more school work for a bit
so i am extremely nervous to see the psychiatrist tomorrow i am not looking forward to it at all because i do not know what is going to happen i hope they do not change my medication again because they have been a lot lately
and then there is the fact i have absolutely no idea of the out come of the appointment i do not want them to ask about self harm at all because people either put you in the hospital or two ask well doesn’t it hurt and then i have to say only when i want it to i know that sounds messed up but it is the truth
then well i have to bring someone with me because people convince me to sign paper i would not sign it the right frame of mind. they= people always try and convince me out something or pick at my brain. the person that influence my decisions
i have to add that i am very sorry for the babbling and rambling about nothing that you are hearing
well i guess in all i am very nervous hopefully it goes good i guess i will find out tomorrow i really wonder how much the psychiatrist noes about me without me talking to the psychiatrist hmm that is now another question
well since it is on my mind this bad probably another sleepless night i am use to that so i should not complain but even on my sleepers i can not sleep if something is on my mind like that
well i will stop being a burden and stop babbling and rambling and i will see how it goes tomorrow
October 25, 2012 at 9:52 pm #18450
i never seen the psychiatrist because he would not see me with someone else that was mean so i am still struggling on my own
October 25, 2012 at 10:27 pm #18451
Hi grenouille19, Please don’t apologize for expressing your inner thoughts… getting it out can help and we’re glad you found a safe place to talk about it here We don’t think youre babbling or rambling, and youre certainly not a burden to us
I can hear how nervous you were about seeing the psychiatrist, and now I imagine youre feeling some relief that you didnt have to meet with him, but also some disappointment that you didnt even get a chance to get help. You said the psychiatrist wouldnt see you with anyone else and Im wondering who you wanted to go with you? It sounds like youd feel too vulnerable on your own – Im sorry he didnt understand and support you the way you needed to be supported.
If that option doesnt seem like its gonna happen, have you thought of what you want to do next? What have you been thinking about since learning you couldnt see the psychiatrist today?
Stay strong… we’re rooting for you! the Support Team
October 26, 2012 at 1:12 am #18454
well i am thinking i should of went but because he is a male i can not sit in a room alone with him i have been thinkinG it is part of this plan him and my social worker have to get me in the hospital
i was wanting to bring a female in anyone that is female so then i brought a friend with me and he said no. i did not get to see him now and all of my friends think i should go to the hospital because everything going on.. i expressed to someone i trusted most of the stuff going on in my head like for example everytime i walk down the street i feel like people are picking at my brain or going to hurt me and or i have to stop thinking because they can hear what i am thinking also i have been hearing people talk in there to and then i have been blacking out to
that is some of the thing that really needed to be said but it did not happen so i told a worker at a drop in center today and she said i need to see a doctor and then i told my foster mom and she said the same thing
so yeah i have no clue what to do or think anymore
October 26, 2012 at 3:05 pm #18455
i am having a lot of trouble dealing with myself lately and it is getting harder and harder everyday, i am not sure anymore what to do i am really lost and confused about everything. i do not know what to do or what is best anymore i can not think properly and processes thing well at all. I know something needs to happen but what is the question, everything need to just stop!!!! :'(
October 28, 2012 at 12:06 am #18457
Hi again well there plan worked last night i ended up in the hospital still there know they are still deciding wheather or not to send me to the mental health institution since my small town does not have one it is very lonely in here and i do not like this at all but i know i need help i went really deep yesterday the paramedics had to come get me talk to you guys when i get out since if i get shiped away i will not have acces to my phone. Grenouille
October 28, 2012 at 1:31 am #18458
Thanks for letting us know you might be out of touch for a while. I would guess you’re feeling completely rattled, wondering whether you will be sent to a mental health institution and having to stay in hospital in the meantime. I get a sense neither of those ideas are AT ALL comfortable to you, but I can also hear you acknowledge that something does need to change in your life for you to get the help you need. I know that being sent to the hospital was one of your greatest fears, I’m wondering how you are feeling about it now that it’s actually happened (or still happening) to you?
I hear you saying you went really deep yesterday, do you mean deep into hearing voices and feeling like folks are getting into your head? Or are you referring to going too far with self harming? I would guess that you are feeling you are sinking deeper and deeper into chaos, both with all the changes that are happening around you AND all the scary things happening in your own head. I get a sense you are searching desperately to find some kind of calm or sense of normalcy. I am so, so worried about you right now, grenouille19, and it sounds like YOU are worried about you too
Keep us updated on what’s going on with when you can, you will be in our thoughts grenouille19 and we’ll be sending hope and strength your way.
the Support Team
November 1, 2012 at 8:55 am #18468TommyMember
You seem to be suffering from some pettry severe depression. I’m guessing by the parent comment that you are under 18? It really is important that you talk to someone about this, especially if you’re resorting to physically harming yourself. I really suggest sitting down and telling all of this to your parents, and if they aren’t supportive and willing to help you seek medical help, then see if there are any clinics in your area that charge based on income. In most fairly well populated areas, the help is out there, you just have to be willing to look for it. Even your school counselor could help.And while it may be difficult talking to someone about all this, especially a stranger, realize that there is a reason these people have the jobs they do, because they want to help people and they have heard it all before.You’ve taken a good first step by asking for help on here, now you’ve just got to seek it out.
November 7, 2012 at 10:49 pm #18475
i am out of the hospital now i had went to deep with self harm.
the psychiatrist was very mean and said she would not be surprised if i were dead in the next five days she also said there is no help for me i tried committing suicide while in the hospital and continued self injury behaviors * and the let me go i think hoping i would die. it was the worse hospital stay ever
*Edited by the Support Team to remove triggering content.
November 7, 2012 at 10:54 pm #18476
because i live in a small town they sent me away and did not want to help me help myself so now i am aiting to get into treatment i want to stop hearing voices and being paranoid and allso stop self harming
November 8, 2012 at 9:15 pm #18478
i am such a bad person i really wish i was never born. i am just not good enough to keep living in this world
November 9, 2012 at 7:49 pm #18484
I know the pain of living has become unbearable for you… so much so that suicide seems to be one of very few options. I cant imagine how hopeless everything feels :'( Even though youre wishing everything away, I still hear you fighting for your life… there’s something powerful in you that won’t quit yet… stay strong grenouille
Im soooo sorry your recent hospital stay was so horrible – when you reach out for support, you should receive help… you shouldnt be made to feel like you don’t matter. You DO matter! Oh grenouille, waiting for treatment must be exhausting… and waiting for change must feel endless. You recognize that you need help, but trying to get that help seems impossible. I imagine every time you reach out and have a disastrous experience, it becomes harder and harder to reach out again… I hope you don’t give up.
We’re here for you grenouille… we’re keeping you in our thoughts… stay connected
the Support Team
November 9, 2012 at 10:44 pm #18486
i feel like i am hanging by a thread to life.i feel dead already i feel like my existance does not matter and i feel invisible like even though there is people around they do not see me. i feel so hopeless, dumb, useless, worthless. i almost feel like just letting go without a fight
November 12, 2012 at 5:02 am #18490
Oh grenouille, I can hear how fragile that thread is that is holding you…it sounds like the place in your heart that might have once held hope is tragically empty, and that you can’t imagine how life could possibly move forward from the loss that you feel right now. I get the sense that you feel fragmented and ghostly as you move through life, with people around you who either don’t notice your agony at all… or say horrible things about your chances. :'(
Reading your words, I get a sense of a boxing match…like you keep trying to get up, but every time, pain throws another punch straight at you and knocks you flat again. I can hear how close you are to just staying down and giving up…it scares me that you’re that close to the edge.
There’s so much going on in your head, grenouille. I imagine that it’s a battle in there, and that more often than not, the loudest voice is one shouting how awful and worthless and pathetic you are. I think that maybe there’s also a small voice that is timidly asking for a chance to stay alive, even if it’s a very small voice that keeps getting pounded smaller… Keep listening to THAT voice, grenouille. And keep connected. We will support you as much as we can in order to help you get through this. You ARE loved here, and we DO believe that you are a fighter.
Sending hope and strength to you. <3
the Support Team
November 13, 2012 at 9:30 pm #18493
i may be gone again my friend is taking me out of town to the other hospital she wants to see if hey will do me any good if not well to ad i will have to end it all, i hope * fingers crossed* it goes ok i want to stop feeling like this arggg chow for now
November 15, 2012 at 4:45 am #18497
Thanks again for letting us know that you might not be writing for a bit. We really, REALLY have our fingers crossed for you! I hope that when we hear from you next you’re safe.
It sounds like so much of your remaining hope rests on this hospital visit. I get the impression that you’ve looked ahead, and seen that the future seems unlivable without some kind of help…to the point where you’ve decided not to let yourself inhabit that future. You’ve been fighting intensely to keep going for so long, grenouille; I can imagine how a change on the horizon might be an incredible relief. It scares me to think that your life is in the balance here, even though I can hear the feelings that have driven you to that emotional edge. :’(
We are rooting for you now more than ever, because we know how horrible things are feeling…how dark it looks right now. We are in your corner, grenouille. And we’re ready to listen whenever you might need us again. Keep fighting.
Thinking of you,
The Support Team
January 4, 2013 at 5:35 pm #18552
hey well i am out of the hospital and i am not doing so great i am finding leaving my appartement a big trigger for me and just leaving my bed is trigering
i am sick of hospital and feel there is no help out there for me
suicide is more and more in my thoughts and it is very scary but that does not matter
iam finding eating is getting harder and harder again with bulimia i am having a hard time controling it
self harm is becoming hard once again i fell like i am useless because i am not succeding at anything i am trying to do.
i am finding it hard to care for myself again even brushing my teeth is a big chalenge for me
i have now turn to weed i have smoked up for the last 2 days i have been back home because it is the only thing keeping me mellowed out enough to deal with some aspect of life !!!
the demonds inside my head are more quite now they have me on anti pschichotics to help with the voices and the thing i see and talk to that apparently are not real and for my paranoia of people and things :'(
well i best be on my way to pick up my medication chow for now
January 7, 2013 at 4:07 am #18559
It’s good to hear from you again. We’ve definitely been thinking of you, and wondering how thing were playing out in the hospital. It sounds like you’re feeling very lost and overwhelmed, and perhaps frustrated that your stay there wasn’t more helpful?
I get the sense from your words that it’s like you’re trying to build up your strength and find a way to be okay, but that even the smallest things are really hard right now, and it’s difficult to find hope in the cracks between the heavy weights that are being laid down on you. It sounds like everything that you try to do, from leaving your apartment, to eating, to avoiding harming yourself is increasingly exhausting and hard to face, and you’re wondering how bad it can get before it all has to end? Suicide sounds like a very real (and terrifying) option in your mind right now, and I wonder what you mean when you say that it “does not matter”? Is it the fear that does not matter, or the reality of suicide?
It sounds like you’re also increasingly angry with yourself, and I would imagine that the angrier you are at YOU, the harder it is to fight against that urge to kill yourself. :’(
I’m glad to hear that the demons have quieted down some. It sounds like getting the medications both provided some relief and caused a new kind of pain….I get the sense that it was extremely hard to have people at the hospital tell you that parts of your everyday experience are not “real”.
Stay connected grenouille; we are here to support you, and to listen, even when everything seems to be going downhill.
-The Support Team
January 7, 2013 at 11:00 pm #18562
hey well the thing is the hospital stay was great compared to other stays i had but i am back to my old self suicidal self harming binge and purging and feel like i screwed up everything for my self by not taking out of the stay what i should have.
yes i am extremly overwhelled by everything and do not know what to do with myself ;'(
grenouille :'( sadness, hopeless, useless, worthless helpless, stupid dumb LOSER :'(
January 11, 2013 at 3:53 am #18566
I get the sense that the hospital stay was a fairly positive experience, but since then things have spiraled out of control and you are just barely holding on right now. I imagine you lost in a sand storm…unsure which way to turn, being beaten down by wind and sand from every direction.
I hear you getting really down on yourself for the self-injurious behaviours that you have fallen back on since your hospital stay…I’m wondering what it is you feel you should have gotten out of your stay?
Suicide is occurring to you as a way out of this pain…have you planned your death? We are here for you if you want to talk about these thoughts.
Stay safe grenouille19, we’re on your side.
the Support Team
January 27, 2013 at 12:14 am #18617
Well sorry that i have not sent anything in a while i have been in a deep depression and havent gotten the strenght to go on the computer …. Welll here it is i am just out of control i am useless wortrhless hopeless helpless little fucker i hate myself and that is that..
I wish i understood what goes on in my head a little better i wish i did not hear voices and that i was able to control the self harm better and all i wish all that was happening now but it is not
January 28, 2013 at 12:27 am #18621KitzlekraverMember
You are not worthless or hopeless or any of the other “less” things you mentioned. You sound very intelligent and sensitive actually. It seems to me that you keep trying to get help and you haven’t found what you need yet. You may not even know what you need other than for the anguish to stop. I’m so proud of you for finding that inner strength to hang on. Your story sounds familiar to me as I struggled with depression, self-harm and an eating disorder. I know how lonely and desperate it can feel. I want to invite you to a live chat that happens Sundays through Thursdays 7:30 – 9pm Pacific coast time. For me, waiting for a response on a message board was very painful and I felt even more lonely if I didn’t get a response. Hopefully the administrators won’t mind me passing this on. Hope to see you there sometime. My screen name there is HJM. Hugs to you!
January 29, 2013 at 3:13 am #18625
Don’t worry about apologizing for not posting; we’re definitely glad to hear from you again though.
From your words, it’s like you’re disgusted with yourself for the feelings you’ve been having. You’d like nothing more than to be able to take control of your own emotions and troubles. It scares me to hear how hard it is even to get to the computer (and I imagine to post on the forum). Are you feeling like you’re too worthless to even deserve help?
Grenouille19, it sounds like you’re being tossed around by a storm in your own mind, like you’ve got no control, and are forced just to watch as things crumble inside and out. I can only imagine how completely distressing and miserable that must be, and I can hear how hopeless it is making you feel. The darkness probably seems utterly black right now. What has been keeping you from acting on your thoughts of suicide?
It sounds like a horrible, horrible place to be in right now, like the world is falling apart. Kitzlkraver is right that it’s incredible that you’ve been able to find the strength to hang on, even when it’s utterly draining and feels pointless. Keep fighting, grenouille. We’re here beside you.
The Support Team
February 20, 2013 at 5:04 pm #18656
I have lost control!!!my mind is stuck on the ways i would like to leave this earth it stuck on the things that make me want to let go of this string that keeps me here.
i am in such a horrible place right now i have no idea of any other option i might have :'( … i feel like a waste of space on this earth … nobody likes me … i have no one left to keep me here..
*self harming is not even helping me hang on anymore… i am sick of fighting this battle i feel like i am done i feel like i am on the last step that i do not know where to go or turn too…
i want to stop all of this in my head but it is not possible at this point what to do i do not even know…
*edited by the Support Team to remove triggering content.
February 23, 2013 at 4:58 am #18659
Please stay with us, grenouille19…. It seems like everything is falling apart and losing meaning for you, and I can how much you want to let go of that string…
Each word is like a tear — and your soul is crying with pain at still being here. I can hear how all-encompassing and utterly debilitating the loneliness and feelings of worthlessness are for you. :'( It sounds like the hardest thing in the world is just to keep going when everything is empty, and it feels like it will never change.
Your words scare me so much, grenouille19, because I can hear so much resignation in them, like the pain has finally drawn you to a place from which you feel there is no escape, and that even your usual methods of coping are falling short. I’m guessing that suicide is looming large in your mind.
I believe that you are a fighter, and that you have strength inside of you, but I can hear that it feels like things are past your control already…. I’m wondering if you can think of any way to keep yourself safe when it feels like you just want to let go?
We care deeply for you, and we’re here for you.
-The Support Team
September 29, 2013 at 10:28 pm #18874
so i begin by saying the cops found me and took me down to the hospital i swore i never go back it has helped me by what over medicating me oh well shitty life i got out not too long ago and i am back in school still alive but hoping different i do have better coping skills now tho and i know how to deal with things better. my dogs are a big part of my life and i would have nothing without them well sorry for being a bother just though i would give a quick update
October 1, 2013 at 3:53 am #18881
Welcome back grenouille19,
Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us here – you’re certainly not a bother and we very much appreciate you taking the time to write to us.
I can hear how mixed your feelings are about your time in the hospital — on one hand you’ve learned some new ways of coping with things in your life but on the other hand it seems that they over medicate you which doesn’t feel much like a solution.
I can hear that your dogs play a significant role in your life and I’m guessing it was difficult to be away from them when you were in the hospital. I’d imagine you feel a sense of unconditional love with them.
I hope you’ll keep posting here to tell us about your journey grenouille19. We are here to support you.
The Support Team
October 7, 2013 at 5:34 am #18905TereziParticipant
You have my support too!
October 19, 2013 at 3:49 pm #18927
thanks for your support but i feel as tgoght i am fighting alone sometimes
i feel like life is not meant for me
i feel like i am drowning and i can seem to get out of water:'(
everything just going wrong
October 22, 2013 at 3:22 am #18930
I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling so down. It sounds as though things have been disappointing for you lately and not going the way you hoped. From what you mentioned in your previous post, it seemed like you’d acquired some new coping skills and I get the sense that with some things going wrong now, you’re feeling shaken and are worrying that you’re might not be able to manage.
I can hear how sad and alone you’re feeling, grenouille and want you to know we’re always here for you.
The Support Team
October 24, 2013 at 3:06 am #18935
your right i am stuck in the mud feeling alone with no one to care and no understanding the voices and hallucination are bad and i can not focus at i am stuck living off mister noodles no money i cant put together what to do anymore sadness takes me hopelessness helplessnes
ill stop being a burden
October 25, 2013 at 9:59 pm #18938
Please know that you are not at all a burden! I can hear how alone and isolated you feel right now and I’m really glad you keep connecting with us. We want to support you in this challenging time.
Seems like nothing is going your way right now. I get the sense that you feel unprepared to deal with the voices in your head and the hallucinations that overcome you. Does anyone else know how bad things are for you?
It hurts to think of how hopeless you feel grenouille. Thank you for continuing to show strength in your struggle, whats keeping you going right now?
We care about you.
The Support Team
October 29, 2013 at 2:57 pm #18944
ok thanks i just though that i was bothering you all
the voices and hallucination are really bad they tell me to do thing and they have conversation with me and i see spider all over everywhere i hate it.
this happen anytime during my exams on the phone in the car walking down the street anywhere
i am sick and tiered of fighting this lonely hopeless battle
October 31, 2013 at 2:12 am #18946
grenouille19, you’re not at all a bother to us…we absolutely want to hear from you, especially as it sounds like you’ve got so little support elsewhere right now. Know that when you’re feeling alone with everything you can turn to us to talk about it.
I would guess it’s incredibly stressful to go through your days seeing spiders all over everything, and being told what to do by voices in your head. I imagine these things are incredibly distracting and disorienting when they happen, and are taking over your ability to concentrate on important things like exams or driving. I remember that you were getting support in a hospital for a while, do you have any supports or resources outside of the hospital that can help you cope with hallucinations?
I get the sense you’re feeling really fed up with life right now and how much of a fight each day has begun to feel. I’m wondering if you have been thinking about ending your life?
Thank you for staying connected when things are difficult,
the Support Team
November 2, 2013 at 12:45 am #18947
no i have no support no more i am on a bunch of different wait list just siting here waiting i got an appointment with a new psychiatrist on the 15 of November but that is still 14 more days of living with it i just hope he does not put me in hospital i hate them.i feel all alone like people would never believe me i just am so lost right now
November 4, 2013 at 5:46 am #18949
It sounds like a truly scary world sometimes, and I can really understand why it feels so lonely for you – especially since you are hearing things and seeing things that other people don’t experience. I’m guessing that trying to deal with those voices and visions, and still get by in a world where nobody else sees/hears them is totally exhausting — and painfully distracting. It seems like you get so tired coping with the voices, etc that you have nothing left to try and face the emotions that you’re also facing. I can imagine how hard it is for you to think of making it another 12 days until the appointment with the psychiatrist. How do you think you might be able to help yourself get through those days?
I can hear how the psychiatrist is both a vision of help and hope and a fearful idea for you. One the one hand, he might be able to help you, especially in figuring out what to do about the voices…but on the other hand, you wonder if he might send you to the hospital. It sounds like going to the hospital would be largely unpleasant and unhelpful for you. It sucks that you’re stuck on so many waitlists while you’re in so much pain, grenouille19. And I can imagine that after waiting so long, this appointment is really important to you. That’s a lot of pressure to be feeling.
You’re in so much pain right now, and so confused and nervous about how things might go. We’re definitely here if you need us. Stay strong, grenouille19.
The Support Team
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