I can really hear how much anger and tension is present in your voice through this post — both at yourself and at the other people in your life. When you’re stressed, the littlest things can set you off or irritate you to no end, making everything even harder to deal with. To top it all off, I get the sense that you’re feeling pretty isolated from most of your friends right now, and the ones that you’re in touch with aren’t helping your heated mood.
Underneath that anger I can detect some guilt — guilt at yourself for lashing out at your friends and slapping your boyfriend, for acting like a “prick”, and “wasting your time” self-harming.
It sounds like what you’re really craving is some sort of an escape. From the way you talk about how you’ve been daydreaming recently it seems like your reality is the last place you want to be. Drifting to that place where everything feels OK and there isn’t anything to worry about or bug you can be a wonderful vacation for the mind — but I’d imagine when reality rushes in and you’re brought back to earth it’s a sobering wake up call.
Thank you for your honesty about self-harm and when/why you use it. I’m curious what some of those other things (alternatives to self-harm?) are for you, the useful things you mention?
We’re here for you.
– The Support Team