January 20, 2013 at 3:06 am #16383DaniMember
i posted earlier, in november i think, and a lot has happened since then.
i went to Ledger, which is the youth psychiatric hospital on the island, for 6 weeks, and came out stable for the first time in months.
but here i am, several weeks later, sitting in my room, wanting to die.
earlier this week i finally went to my school counsellor about those feelings and she basically freaked out. my community counsellor was a lot more understanding, but unfortunately it was too late, my school counsellor had freaked out and alerted the administration at school, who are now worried about liability issues and the fact that i might kill myself during school hours.
so this of course definitely makes me feel better about everything, it definitely makes me want to trust my counsellor.
oh and i might not be allowed to go on my grad trip next year.
if i make it.
and that’s how i’m feeling, like i might kill myself at any moment.
like right at this exact moment as i type this i’m absolutely fine and probably won’t take the pills beside my bed.
but i can guarantee that before i’m done writing this i’ll have changed my mind at least once.
and it’s not as simple as getting rid of the pills.
if they’re gone, then i’ll just fine some other method, or i’ll Self Injure. (happy, support team?)
it’s not about the result, it’s about the problem.
and the problem is that i’m bipolar.
i’m bipolar type 2, and i have anxiety, and i am suicidal.
so life is in tick tock shape already, as you can see.
but anyways, i was writing a suicide note and i realized i couldn’t finish it. because i can’t justify killing myself.
but that doesn’t mean that i don’t feel like shit, doesn’t mean that i’m not sitting here feeling like my only option to make me feel better right now is to die.
i just want to go, to slip away quietly and quickly.
but no one will let me.
and so if you were to ask me whether i planned on ending my life tonight i wouldn’t have an answer.
because i don’t know if something’s going to push me over the edge.
all i know is that something needs to happen.
and i don’t know what.
January 21, 2013 at 2:28 am #18594YouthspaceModerator
I’m only just beginning to understand the complexity of the feelings you are experiencing.
I get the sense that your cynical comments about your school counselor elude to bigger issues you have with how people treat you and how they react to your thoughts of suicide. It seems like you aren’t getting the caring support that you deserve to receive. I’m wondering what kinda reactions you would like from those around you?
When you say it’s not about the result, it’s about the problem I’m imagining that you sometimes feel out of control, like these internal factors drive you to take actions that you cannot always predict. You said you felt fine while typing this message, yet you expect your mind to shift and choose suicide any moment. This spontaneity really scares me…I get the sense that you feel really impulsive right now, like you could take serious measures to harm yourself at any moment. Thank you for sharing the raw truth of these thoughts here. We want to support you in staying safe.
I can hear that you are desperate for change. For some unknown shift in your existence. There are lots of forces pushing you towards that edge, yet I see you clinging to life. That takes courage. What helps you hold onto hope?
Let us know how we can support your life Dani. We’re on your side
The Support Team
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