May 21, 2015 at 7:00 pm #21934moretolifeParticipant
How do you tell someone how depression feels. How can you make someone who believes depression is just a word that it can be the ultimate downfall?
3 years into a relationship and we’ve gone from the ultimate high to the ultimate low. I was a happy woman- forever smiling, always optimistic and then I fell deeply in love.
He was older, wiser, kind and gentle. He knew when to listen, he carried me through my darkest times and offered me advice and love without me having to ask. He was the perfect fit- the one that motivated me to be a better person, to try new things and to want more from life.
It was about a year in that I started to notice his drinking problem. Every time we went out he had to get some drinks- and I’m not much of a drinker, but it was an outing and we were having fun so I was never one to protest. His drinks would go from a single, to a double, to one for each hand, to a “just give me the bottle”.
He got different when he drank. And not a stupid different, he could still walk and talk (sometimes a minor slur barely noticeable). His eyes though…. they got glazed and dark and- dangerous. I know it sounds silly but he had crazy eyes when he drank. Like he could choke the life out of me and smile while he did it. His eyes looked- sarcastic and cruel.
He’s a big guy, strong, tall- always in control….. until he drinks. Then that restraint disappears and he breaks things from gripping them too tightly, or sometimes tries to pull me to him for a hug and bruises my sides/arms. And he always says sorry and kisses me after, but I mean- comeeeee on. There are only so many “mistakes” I can choke back before I snap.
Then I get pissy- I can’t help it. I reach the point where I’m like, “You need to go to bed or sit down, do anything you want- just leave me alone for a bit please”. And of course- he confines me and makes things worse.
He would never give me my space. He will lock the door of the room we are in and block it so I can’t escape. He will pin me down or take my phone so I can’t call for a cab to go home or my parents. Then it’s the same thing- he will just keep repeating myself and forget what he said a minute later, “You’re pissed off at me because I had a little bit of vodka in my ceasar after a 12 hour day at work?! What kind of a woman yells at her man for drinking…?”
We’ve been together 3 years now. It’s always the same- he drinks, we fight, he talks in circles, he traps me, the fight escalates, I’m crying and stressed to the point I consider hurting myself or him just to escape it all.
And then someone comes and splits it up if I’m lucky and we sleep in different rooms. Then the next morning he acts like nothing happened and goes back to being the same affectionate man I fell in love with.
And when it’s good- it’s damn good. We are two peas in a pod, talking about a future I never thought I’d ever have. Marriage and kids and a family who supports me. Yet when it’s bad- it’s really bad. It’s break my heart in two with his insults or leave me here to die while I watch him drink himself into a coma.
I’ve talked to him about it when he’s sober. He apologizes, tries to rationalize or sometimes even agrees to get help. His parents and sisters beg him to stop. It’s destroying their family as much as it is my relationship. They beg me to help him stop- and seeing his kind, loving mother cry breaks my heart even more.
I love all of his family so much, we are all so close that it kills me to think of leaving him just because he won’t pick me over his drinks. Am I selfish for asking him to give it up?
I’ve taken him to his family doctor to get help- the doctor ran tests and said there is no internal damage, but if he keeps going at the rate he is now (2 liter bottle of wine or something else a night) he could hurt himself sooner rather than later…. maybe fatal.
And I tried breaking up with him, but he just keeps coming around- doing all the things that make me love him. Promising me it’s gonna change, he’s not going to drink. Then BAM- a month later, back to his old bullshit.
I beat myself up about it, why can’t I find the strength to leave him. I’ve had boyfriends before- why is he so different? I love him- I do, with all of my heart. It kills me to see him do this to himself, his family and me, yet we have so much good- so much history and little things that just make me want to keep fighting.
It’s effecting my life now to a point where I have to address it. Things aren’t going well with my parents, I had a surgery in February and had to take sick leave from work and still can’t go back, my friends are off away at school and then there’s me- at home, depressed and the one person who is supposed to lift me up is the one dragging me down the most.
I can’t do this anymore. I need options- I’ve discussed rehab with him, but he thinks it’s some cheap gimmick and he’s too embarassed to go. I feel like I need him in my life- but I want him to try to help me make this okay. How can I possibly convince him? Better yet- how can I drag myself through this for another day hoping that it’ll work out.
May 21, 2015 at 9:10 pm #21936YouthspaceModerator
Welcome to the Youthspace forum. I am glad you reached out to us as it sounds as though you are going through a really rough time.
From what you’ve described it seems like you think your partner has a problem with alcohol and this has started to negatively effect your relationship. I get the sense this is just tearing you apart. I can only imagine how heartbreaking and frustrating and upsetting it is to be going through this.
It also sounds as though he can be a little rough with you when he is drinking (touching you in ways that hurt you) and being kind of aggressive in the way he talks to you. No one deserves to go through that and I am really sorry that is happening to you. I’m guessing it’s pretty scary and unsettling for you. I am happy to hear you have the support of his family, so that you are not facing this completely alone. Though it sounds like that complicates thing for you too, because you really care about them and that makes it harder for you to make a decision about what to do.
I can really hear how trapped you feel. On the one hand, you love him and on the other hand, it is destroying you having to put up with his drinking and the way he acts when he drinks. It sounds like you’re starting to feel exhausted by the merry-go-round of hoping he will change and then having your hopes dashed. And now that you’ve got struggles of your own, he isn’t able to be there for you in the ways you’d like, I imagine you feel really alone in dealing with all of this.
Please know we are always here for you as you work through your thoughts and feelings about all this.
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