Sparrow, you leave me speechless. I had to think about your writing for a while before I could feel at all ready to approach answering you, because I found it so evocative and moving. I’m glad that you reached out here, and that you shared your writing, because I think that you brought to life some huge emotions here. I can hear that you’re feeling really low right now, and that you wish to be able to float away from the pain of it all. You say that you’ve fallen back into the eating disorder, and I get the impression that that “relapse” has triggered some really sad and dark feelings for you, and has left you feeling like someone other than yourself, since you say that you normally love life, and yet find yourself wanting to slip away from it all… I’m imagining that you’re feeling really hopeless and helpless right now, in the face of the thoughts and feelings that are running through your mind.

There are a few themes in your writing that seem to have particular strength. First, I hear a lot of pain because of a disconnect that seems to exist between you and everyone around you — you mention “far away voices”, and these lines in particular make it sound like you’re fighting a battle that nobody else seems to notice because they only see the very outer layer: “Gracefully you float, weightless you seem / If only they could see the endless in between.” I can imagine that you feel really isolated and alone with the heavy emotions that you carry every day.

I also notice that it sounds as though there are battles constantly being waged in you, and that the terrible spectres and creatures that exist there are causing so much tension and pain that it seems sometimes like you’re drowning with it. I can hear a profound sense of being separated from reality and a sadness of the loss of dreams and hope as you remain frozen in a painful place that nobody else can see or understand.

There are so many strong emotions, and yet also an engulfing numbness present in your words, Sparrow. You mention that it feels like things have changed and where you used to love life, you now yearn for relief from it. Guilt has held you back, you say…but I’m wondering if you’re thinking now about ending your life?

I’m glad that you have come here to share your words and experience with us. Please continue to use the forum whenever you want, and know that you can also chat live with us any night(6-11pm PST).

The Support Team

Sparrow, you have such a beautiful way with words…that poem gave me goosebumps. I can hear in it your longing for peace in your world, and freedom from the thoughts and emotions that are tormenting you. Thank you so much for sharing.

I get the sense you feel shackled by your sadness right now, unable to find the energy to face most days let alone enjoy them. It sounds like rather than finding comfort in the thoughts of suicide, you feel tormented by those thoughts as they remind you of how low you have become and cloud your vision of what it is about life that you love.

I’m guessing that because talking about your feelings is so difficult for you, you are also quite isolated with your sadness. Is there anyone in your life who knows what you are going through right now? I’m really glad you can express yourself through your poetry, and we hope you will continue to come here and share when you need to channel some of that energy into verse.

Take care, Sparrow
the Support Team

Sparrow,

It seems like you’re feeling completely confined by the way that people see you, and the way that you have to act to be who they expect. The pressure from that expectation sounds intolerable, and I get the sense that as you keep fighting to live despite it, you’re feeling very worn down. It sounds like there’s one part of you that can’t stand the thought of letting people see behind the mask you wear- for fear of letting them down? — while another part wishes to throw off the shackles, and bare your truth to the world and just not care what anyone sees there.

Your poems, this one included, contain a lot of hints at things being hidden, or obscured, and I can hear how some of those themes are painfully present with you every day, so that you end up feeling a vast chasm between your emotional self and the things that are going on around you. It sounds like being seen and being invisible, all at the same time.

This most recent poem seems to say a lot about the push and pull of pain and salvation, of light and dark, with poor truth crawling through the cracks. I can hear how hard it is to find that thread of truth, especially when you’re exhausted from searching.

I’m glad that you find this to be a place where you can explore ideas and share your writing.

-The Support Team

Thank you for your kind words Sparrow,

I’m so glad that you had a positive experience seeking out support despite your initial misgivings. I can’t imagine how terrifying it must have been to step into that room when you had such a clear picture of all the ways it could have gone so wrong. Feeling comfortable in spite of those fears must have been such a pleasant relief.

It’s amazing how something so simple like having tea with a friend can really bring you back into yourself and lend you some much needed hope in a time of darkness. I can hear how this experience really illustrated for you how removed you’ve been from your world and the people around you.

It sounds like you’re reconnecting with yourself and the world around you in multiple little ways that are combining to improve your outlook on life and to decrease the thoughts of suicide. Your sense of strength and determination is truly inspiring and I’m honored we’ve been able to provide you with support. Know that you can write to us anytime on the forum with whatever you are feeling.

We’ll be here for you as you fight your own personal battle,
The Support Team

Hey Sparrow,

Sometimes we fall back a bit when we’re trying to pull ourselves up. I can imagine that you might feel particularly low right now because you felt like you were doing better, and then had it crash down around you. To put it another way, the darkness must be even harder to take when you remember seeing light so recently.

I’m sorry to hear that things feel really bad again, and that now there’s this extra fear- the fear of wondering if this is something that you can’t escape. I can only imagine how terrifying it seems to you that this darkness is sucking everything that you associate with your SELF out of you.

It sounds like you’ve found yourself back in the thrall of the eating disorder, and discovered, much to your terror, that it has a lot more power than you want to think it does. I get the impression that this discovery has left you feeling incredibly helpless and hopeless. What has helped you, if anything, to deal with the eating disorder in the past?

The tone of this most recent poem – to me – is a great deal more frantic and foreboding than those that you have shared before, and it seems like it probably mirrors your thoughts and feelings right now, where you feel like the pain is unmanageable and it’s leaving you agitated and fearful about what the future might hold. The men that are coming seem very menacing — does that echo your worry that you might end up treated by the medical system in a way that takes away your control? I’m guessing that right now, it seems like there are few good roads out of this pain, and I wonder if it has brought the thoughts of suicide floating back up in your mind?

Know that this is a safe place for you to talk about exactly how you’re doing, Sparrow. I’m glad that you reached out again when you needed to talk about these feelings. We are here for you.

The Support Team