Forums Difficult Feelings and Emotions I Don’t Feel ‘It’ Anymore

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    • #21962

      I am at a loss a complete loss. All my life I’ve struggled with many feelings and challenges pretty much everything. I would have never thought my gender would ever come into play, ever. For the last bit I’ve had intense thoughts, way to sickening, it makes me sick. I don’t consider myself to even have a gender right now. I am 100% female but I don’t even feel that way.

      For the past couple of weeks I’ve been going to workshops and interviews related to the trades and labour jobs. Every interview I am questioned non-stop on my gender, my height, if I am capable, and if I am comfortable working with other men. If I wasn’t comfortable with it I would even have the interest. Recently, I had an interview with a company to clean windows. He brought up my height and how demanding the job could be. Step back… if I am willing to go forward in construction work why am I being questioned on if I can handle cleaning windows? He brought up my height. I am sensitive about my height and I can’t believe someone would have an issue with that when they all need a ladder? I am tired of being badgered to no end, discriminated on my gender (height doesn’t follow under the Human Rights Code) and if I am capable of the work.

      After the interview on the bus ride home, I cried the entire way home and once I got back things got worse for me. I managed to cal Human Rights. The entire bus ride back home I sat with suicidal thoughts and wanting to remove* my breasts and shave my long hair off. I felt like someone took something from me, my gender.

      I don’t feel the same. It wasn’t the only time it has happened, it’s happened a lot. I am now filled with confusion, I want to self-harm, I want to end my life because of this gender problem has caused distress in me. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I don’t want to have a gender anymore.

      I can’t get passed this. I am scared to go to interviews unless I have a recorder with me. I want these bastards to serve justice for discriminating me on my gender. What else am I suppose to do, swear at them? I want to scream, scream so bloody loud too. I don’t want to feel this way! I already have things on my plate as it is, now this, something that should have never even be allowed to happen, happened. I am too angry over my gender it’s so deep that I can’t get rid of it.

      I don’t know who I am…

      *edited by the support team for potentially triggering content

    • #21969

      Hello Flowerbud and Welcome to the Youthspace forums.

      I am so sorry to hear you’re going through all of this. No one deserves to be discriminated against. It sounds as though these interviews are excruciating and their inappropriate questions about your gender and your height are really making you doubt yourself and feel powerless and judged. I can imagine how infuriating that would be to know you are capable of the work and to have people undermine you like that. I personally think it is very brave and resourceful of you to call Human Rights. I get the sense you’re a determined person.

      From what you’ve said, these experiences of discrimination have been so damaging to you, you’re starting to feel hatred towards yourself and your gender. Like because you’re getting the message from these interviews that some parts of you are not wanted, it is becoming so hard for you to hold on to your respect and appreciation of your gender, as if their voices are getting into your head? To feel as if they have robbed you of your gender sounds deeply painful and disorienting. I get the sense you’re starting to feel as if there is no way you can get the jobs you want as a woman and that is making you feel hopeless.

      You say that the unfair way you are being treated is leading to you wanting to end your life, and I am really concerned for you. If the thoughts of suicide are feeling overwhelming, please call 911 or a crisis line in your area or feel free to chat in to Youthspace (our hours are 6pm PST- Midnight PST). We really want to support you through this.
      <3 Youthspace

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