Moving houses in two weeks. Packed away my journal, *tools*, pills and alcohol. Thought I was strong. I’m not. Mom yelled. I cried. Now the thoughts are back. kill her. kill me.** Suicidal thoughts win over homicidal. Thankfully, I guess. Jail doesn’t seem nice. But death does. Dark. Cold. No. Neither. Death is nothing. Nothing is still better than my something.
*edited by youthspace staff
**content removed by youthspace staff
Glad you found us here at youthspace. I get the impression that you’ve been feeling pretty shattered after your mom yelled at you. Definitely it must have been frustrating and painful to hear the thoughts that you mention come back into your head — it sounds like they are very heavy. You talk about death being nothing, being a cold void in a way, and I can hear how much you want to escape into that void, and not have to deal with things anymore — not try to cope. Suicide seems like it’s becoming a frighteningly real option for you right now.
We’re here for you, Suzie, if you’d like to keep talking. I imagine that after feeling strong and then having these thoughts come back in such power, you might be feeling incredibly alone, hopeless, and defeated.
If you need more immediate support, please feel free to chat in (through the chat icon at the top right, or text us) – we’re open 6pm-midnight PST every night. Or call your local crisis line or Kids Help Phone (1-800-668-6868) if we’re not open. If you are in imminent danger, please call 911.
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