May 29, 2013 at 3:55 am #16404
I don’t even know where to start…
I’ve read numerous posts after posts on how people are going through the exact or similar thing I am. Depression, social anxiety, suicidal thoughts, self harm, ** hatred of oneself, tired, bullied and lonely. I think about how people could actually be thinking about suicide this very moment, or how someone out there is about to try it. It frightens me to think about this, but its literally all I can think about lately. How would people react if I were to do it. Would they care? Would my friends even cry? Would my family regret not paying much attention to me as I wished they had? Would my teachers care? Or how about my peers; would they think of the way the treated me and feel disgust or just pleased that I won’t be around them anymore? Most of all, would anyone even come to my funeral? The more I think about these questions, the more I want to try and see for myself. My depression pills have been upped, and since they cause me to be intoxicated, I’m not allowed to take them at school. And you can hardly imagine what its like to sit through 88 minutes of each class and just daze out for a couple moments, creating a list of ways to kill yourself. I’m afraid harming myself again, because it won’t be worth it and as much as I enjoy the pain that comes with it, I don’t want to disappoint anyone by going down that road again. It annoys me how I get called selfish, pathetic, ignorant and stupid for wanting to kill myself, when those same people don’t know what its like to live everyday hating who you are and wanting to put an end to the pain. I’m tired of meeting everyone else’s standards and never being good enough for my teachers, family and friends. I’m tired of being called out for something that isn’t even my fault. Everyone blames me for my depression and assume I’m only talking ‘shit’ because I’m a drama queen. Honestly, I just want someone to explain to me why I deserve to suffer. Why I should be the one who hates her body and searches for different ways to hurt herself. I want to be good enough for everyone. I want my family to be proud of me for doing something, but I can’t do shit for them and neither myself. I’m sick of crying myself to bed each night praying for a miracle that will end my life so I won’t have to do it myself. And whatever asshole lied and said that ‘highschool was the best four years of your life’ can kindle screw off. I’ve endured nothing but pain and hurt from high school so far. Names after names, pushed around, excluded from most things. And for what? Nothing. I’m tired of caring about other people’s need and wanting the better for them. I just want to curl myself up in my bed and sleep forever. Never wake up. The worse thing about trying suicide, is when you actually live through it and have to deal with how pathetic you are that you couldn’t even do that right. I’m just tired of being tired all the time.
** edited by the Support Team for triggering content
May 31, 2013 at 5:56 am #18779
Thank you for your courage to post so honestly here. I want you to know that the Support Team reads and responds to your entire original post but we have posted an edited version to omit details that may be triggering to our other posters.
I understand that the high school experience you’ve had so far is far different from the magical time that you’ve heard others describe it to be. It must feel terribly unjust to endure so much emotional turmoil when it seems that those around you are having the time of their lives.
I can hear how exhausted you feel trying to fight against the bullying and depression while feeling like no one understands your pain and thinks you’re being a “drama queen” when you’re really asking for them to hear you. It seems that you’ve put a lot of thought into how your death might affect those you care about and how they would react.
I imagine that you care deeply how these people feel towards you and how they would feel if you were to end your life. Is there anyone in your life who knows how sad and hopeless you’ve been feeling? Is there anyone you would feel comfortable to share these feelings with?
I’m certainly glad you took the risk to share your experience here
The Support Team
June 4, 2013 at 3:30 pm #18784
Why do we always care and love those who probably don’t give a crap about us? I hate how I’m always thinking about others, even when I’m feeling like absolute crap. I don’t even know what I’m doing with my life or whether I want to even continue on with it…
And counselors are pissing me off more. I tried to talk to one on this site, but they didn’t even get back to me. aha
I’m not trying to sound selfish or rude, but I’m really tired of thinking about how everyone feels and want to concentrate more on how terrible i feel on a daily basis. I’ve already come up with different ways I could kill myself, but I’m too weak to actually do it though. I find peace through self harm, and for once I opened up to my sisters and they called me out for being dramatic and how people may have it worse than me. which i completely agree with, but does that mean what i’m going through doesn’t matter? Do you know how shitty it is to have your own sister tell you to go kill yourself or to keep cutting because they don’t care whether you’re ok or not? Or how I would never want the same for them but people around be expect to be strong when they keep pulling me down with any chance they get. Or how school has become one big joke that I don’t get. And how my friends find me to depressing or ’emo’. I hate opening up to anyone because either they pity me or they accuse me of whats happening to myself.
I have decided to talk with two of my councilors at school because, things are getting worse and nobody knows that…
I just want to be happy again, to be able to smile, and be able to think about positive things in my life rather than mope around or secretly wishing I could die in some kind of accident or something so I don’t actually have to kill myself..
June 5, 2013 at 4:52 am #18785
It sounds like you spend a lot of your energy caring about those around you without feeling like you’re receiving any of that energy or concern back from those people. I can imagine it must feel very vulnerable to open your heart to the world and for it to seem as though no one notices or cares.
I’m so sad to hear that your sister misunderstood your intentions when you shared your pain with her — your pain in this world is certainly valid, regardless of the circumstances of others who are also suffering. It’s like you’re standing in a crowded room yelling and no one seems to hear that you need some help.
I’m really sorry to hear you didn’t get a response when you reached out using another aspect of our service. If you were chatting in with us it may have been a high-volume night and I’d encourage you to try again. If you were using the e-counselling service they normally respond within 5 business days… if it’s been longer than that then please email [email protected] with the details of when you contacted the online counselor so we can ensure the service is working properly.
I’m glad you’ve decided to reach out to the counselors at your school. It’s really scary to see that you’ve been thinking so much about suicide these days without anyone knowing how serious things are for you. I hope you will continue to check in with us here and through our chat service (open 6-11 PST every night) so we can offer you support
The Support Team
June 10, 2013 at 2:56 pm #18791
I don’t want to seem like I’m complaining or anything, I just wanted someone around me to understand what I’m going through and not add onto it by judging.
It feels exactly like that. Especially when my own friends always mention to me that I have no reason to feel this way because other people feel like this as well. I understand that, but does it mean that I should always put people before me ? I’ve done this before, and effing everytime, people don’t give a crap.
I tried the chatting, it’s not as helpful as I thought it would be.
I don’t trust people anymore. They all lie, cheat and screw you over. And every time you think it’s going to be different, they always change on you and become something or someone completely different that you thought they would not be. I don’t like being alone, but I think I’m destined to be. I don’t know why I shouldn’t kill myself because it wouldn’t make a difference at all to anyone anyways. But I don’t know how I would do it, and I’m too fricken weak to go through with it.
I’m just done with everyone.
June 11, 2013 at 4:15 am #18795
It sounds like you’re drowning in frustration and agony, unnoticed by those around you. I hear how in your weariness and pain, it would be nice to have someone show that they care instead of telling you how small your feelings are and trying to sweep them under the rug. I can imagine that it leaves you feeling not only alone, but also hopeless about trusting people to be there for you…
I get the sense that you’ve been hurt by people a lot in the past, pandashaee. It sounds like you’re fed up with humans in general because of the many times you’ve been betrayed. It’s totally a difficult place to be, feeling like you want connection with people, but simultaneously feeling like there’s no point because it will just result in more anguish. The sadness of looking forward and seeing yourself constantly alone seems like it would be overwhelming, and it sounds like it’s part of the hopelessness that makes suicide an inviting escape.
It sounds like you are drawn to suicide as an escape from everything, but that you don’t think you’d be able to do it. I wonder if you would be able to reach out here or somewhere else if you found yourself really close to ending your own life?
Keep connected pandashaee, and we’ll do our best to hear all of what’s going on for you.
-The Support Team
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