January 1, 2014 at 7:10 pm #16448
I honestly just don’t know what to do anymore.
I feel so alone.
I can’t talk to anyone.
Every time I try and have even a normal conversation with someone, I feel like I’m constantly burdening them with all of my problems. I hate feeling like that.
I’m alone every day. I go to school, and I sit by myself, and I don’t talk to anyone. I come home and do homework, and I sit by myself and I’m alone. And every day it’s the exact same thing over and over.
The world definitely wouldn’t miss me. It’s not like anyone cares to spend time with me anyway.
I feel so worthless. I don’t have any close friends. I’m not talented enough. I’ve never been in a relationship. I feel like every day I work and work towards being happy, but I’ll never get there.
I read articles online about suicide prevention. They said to just keep putting it off, and wait til things get better. I’ve been putting it off for years, and I just don’t know how much longer I’ll have to keep waiting until things get better.
I don’t know what to do.
January 3, 2014 at 4:13 am #19021
Hi there Bri123,
Welcome to our forum. Thank you so much for taking the time to reach out and share your situation with us here at youthspace. I get the sense that these feelings of sadness and loneliness have been with you for a very long time and that you’ve been fighting a hard battle towards happiness that you can’t seem to win.
I can hear that your days are spent in isolation — even in places like school where you might be physically surrounded by others you are still somehow completely alone. I’d imagine that would be difficult to say the least since it sounds like you’ve done your best to reach out to those around you. I bet it would be difficult to try to carry on a “normal” conversation with anyone when your soul is crying out to be heard and loved.
I can hear how real suicide is for you Bri123 and it seems like you are doing everything you can to keep yourself safe but that maybe those things don’t feel like enough. Do you feel like you are still able to stay safe? I wonder if there are any strategies that help you when the urge to end your life arises? We are here to support you through this darkness — and we are also available by chat 6-11pm PST (and until midnight on Fridays and Saturdays) if you’d like to chat in real time.
The Support Team
January 3, 2014 at 4:53 pm #19022
I don’t think I’m going to kill myself yet, if that’s what you’e asking. I don’t have the guts to do it, because I’m too scared that it’ll hurt.
As for strategies that help, not really anything specific. I avoid places where there are dangerous things, and I avoid places that remind me of where I have it planned if I ever go through with it. None of that “read a book, write in your journal, or watch TV,” stuff really works for me. I can still think. So I usually just try and get on here or somewhere similar. I don’t know. It’s pretty stupid, but I haven’t killed myself yet, so I must be doing something right.
As for chat well, and this may or may not get me kicked off of the site, you guys don’t accept people from the US, so that doesn’t work so much. I either go to crisischat or the trevor project if I really need to talk.
I’m not doing as bad as I was when I wrote that. That was a really bad day for me, and everything was just piling up. Today’s a bit better. It’s still awful and miserable, but that’s just how life is, so… yeah.
January 5, 2014 at 5:18 am #19024
Thanks for being so honest about your thoughts on ending your life. I can imagine it must be frightening to consider how painful such a process must be and I’m really happy to hear that you avoid triggering environments.
I get the sense that you know yourself well enough to understand what works for you and what doesn’t. Sounds like you are resourceful at finding the right type of support to keep yourself from ending your life.
Seems like every day is a little bit different than the last for you, however, even on good days, the pain can creep up to remind you that it is still there. I can hear how hard you have been fighting to keep yourself safe during difficult times. I hope you continue to find sources of support when life throws a pile at you. Your ability to reach out in tough times is inspirational.
It is true and unfortunate that due to lack of funding we no longer can accept chatters from the US but please continue using the services that you are familiar with and work for you.
Our hearts are with you through your struggle,
The Support Team
January 5, 2014 at 6:38 am #19026
Well things got shitty again today.
Worst it’s ever been, I’d say. Although I say that a lot.
I don’t know what to do. It just keeps getting worse.
I have no one to go to, no one I can talk to about it, and there’s nothing I can do.
And of course all of the chat lines were busy, so there was no one to talk to there.
Maybe that’s a sign.
I don’t know.
Things are just way too overwhelming. I can’t handle all of the pressure anymore. There’s too much to get done, too much to try and cope with.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Everything is just a facade. Nothing is real. Know one knows who I really am or what I really feel.
If I died it wouldn’t even matter, because no one knows who I am anyway.
I don’t know what to do…
January 8, 2014 at 4:01 am #19028
I get the sense you’re feeling pretty hopeless about the future and are struggling to see how things are going to get for better for you. It seems like things are really piling up for you right now and the task of dealing with everything is starting to feel impossible and even, a little pointless. It sounds as though you’re feeling really fed up, fed up of feeling bad and fed up of trying in a reality that does not feel so real at all.
When you say,”Know one knows who I really am or what I really feel”, I can imagine how sad and alone you feel. I can really hear how much you’re longing to have someone really see and understand the real you. It sounds like you want to share who you are with someone who genuinely cares about you. I can imagine not having that connection fills you with despair and heartache.
From what you said, it sounds as though suicide is really weighing on your mind and I am worried about you. I am glad you’re reaching out to us Brit123, and we want to hear from you. You really do matter to us, stay in touch!
The Support Team
January 9, 2014 at 12:38 am #19030
Things are a little better now.
I’m back to a routine, and that always helps. No suicidal thoughts for a whopping three days, so I’d say that’s good. I’ve been pretty productive too.
I’m just sort of worried that this is just an upswing, and that I’m going to crash soon.
I really hope not.
I’ll probably keep posting on here, regardless of whether you care of not, just because it’s an outlet for me know, haha.
And just by the way, you can call me Bri. Bri123 is just a username. I’m Bri.
Thanks for the response.
January 11, 2014 at 4:59 am #19033
I get the sense that for the time being you’ve flown out of the turbulence and your aircraft is gliding along smoothly, just the way it’s supposed to… but that you don’t trust there isn’t another storm ahead that will shake you and throw you down towards the ground below. I’d imagine it’s a terrible feeling to be so unsure whether to trust these moments of calm or whether to brace yourself for dark times ahead.
I hope this calm lasts for you too Bri, and we are here to listen to what’s going on for you whether it lasts or not.
I’m so glad to hear that you want to keep posting on our site and I really want you to know that we absolutely care about you and want to offer any support we can both on the forum and through live chat in the evenings if you want a more immediate response.
The Support Team
January 12, 2014 at 4:20 am #19035
Pretty much the story of my life.
I auditioned for a musical today, so if I make it, that’ll mean my life won’t be total hell anymore. Things are always better when I’m in a show.
Things will be pretty bad if I don’t make it in though.
Again, I can’t chat. I’m from the US.
Not sure how you can care about me. You don’t even know me. Although maybe that is why. Everyone that knows me doesn’t, so…
January 14, 2014 at 4:56 pm #19037
My fingers are crossed for your audition! It sounds like your passion lies in theatre, and the prospect of being in this show really brightens your spirits. What is it about being in a show that makes your life glow?
I get the sense that you have a hard time believing that anyone could care about you, maybe even that you feel unworthy of love and support? While, it’s true, we don’t know you completely, I think it’s safe to say we get to see a piece of you and your life here on the forum and I truly believe that is enough to build a caring connection. I’m glad we get to talk in this way, so thanks for sharing your voice. Your use of this forum as an outlet (as you say) is inspiring, to me, and others I’m sure.
Take good care of yourself,
The Support Team
January 15, 2014 at 3:05 pm #19040
Well I didn’t make it into the show, so there goes that. Woo…
There’s another audition coming up, and they want me to help out with that show.
I’m just alone till then. Two more weeks.
January 17, 2014 at 8:21 pm #19045
I get that your heart and soul is really fueled by theatre, and this upcoming audition brings hope that you will soon have purpose again.
You said that life without a show can be hell and we are here if you want to tell us more about what that hell looks like.
Seems like these next 2weeks may be painfully empty for you. I’m wondering what you can do to take care of yourself in the meantime? What is keeping you going?
Thank you for writing and letting us know what happened with the audition. You matter to us.
The Support Team
January 22, 2014 at 5:02 am #19051
Well… I ended up having a really bad day and finally told my parents I was suicidal. They freaked out and said they didn’t want me under a lot of stress so they threatened to not let me audition for this upcoming show. They finally relented, so I’m good to go there.
I was feeling really suicidal today, and I tried to ask my mom to not leave me alone because I was scared of myself, but she just left anyway. I sat home by myself for two hours, begging myself to not do anything.
I regret telling them, because now I have expectations of them. Things were so much easier when I didn’t.
Time to put the mask back on and go back to pretending that everything’s okay.
January 24, 2014 at 6:16 am #19053
Hi Bri…it’s been a rough time, hey?
You might not feel as though it was, but I think that it was hugely brave of you to tell your parents how you were feeling. It sucks that they don’t really seem to know how to help. It must have been awful to go out on a limb, and then find that their response was to think about taking away one of the things that has been helping you cope. That’s not good.
It’s scary to hear that on Tuesday you were left alone, and had to sit by yourself with the feelings and thoughts that were making you want to end your life. It really illustrates for me what you mean when you say that you regret telling your parents. Knowing that you are feeling suicidal, you must have been hoping that your mom would show concern by not leaving you alone. When she didn’t, you must have felt deserted and saddened, which can’t have helped at all…
At this point, hiding behind the mask again must seem like a defense against things like that that just add to the pain…something you can’t afford if you’re already struggling to find reasons to keep living. I get that. I’m curious…..what kind of support do you think you would have liked from your parents?
And how do you think you might be able to cope until the next show starts? Are you still able to try the other chat services if things feel really unbearable in the moment?
Feel free to talk it out here as much as you need to.
-The Support Team
January 25, 2014 at 3:39 am #19054
I guess I wish my parents had seemed like they cared at all. It was almost like I told them and nothing changed at all. I don’t know. I didn’t want them to overreact, but caring would have been nice.
Auditions were today, so I’m back to a mostly good place I guess. And I can try and chat when things get bad. My parents have started taking away my laptop because they think it’s making me more suicidal, so I can only go there I’d I have it when I feel the urge. Fingers crossed, I guess.
January 26, 2014 at 7:23 am #19056
I can really hear how hurt you still feel by your parents’ reaction to your suicidal thoughts. I can imagine you had a scenario in your mind of how it would go and were really disappointed when they reacted as they did, and more so to see that it didn’t change much, at least not how you hoped. Sounds like you long for a particular style of support that they are unaware of .
Congrats on the auditions! I’m glad that you were allowed to go and that it lifted your spirits for the time being. I’m really sorry to hear about your lap top being taken away, it seems like it is another important tool for coping. Have you thought of what other ways you will be able to fight the urge if the lap top is unavailable? Seems that writing helps a little, it would be unfortunate for you to stop. Maybe you can think of alternative to writing online?
Our fingers are also crossed for you and our hearts always open.
The Support Team
January 27, 2014 at 4:53 am #19058
* I’m so tired of drifting between manageable and happy to devastatingly low and unable to cope.
I’m so tired and I just can’t do it anymore.
*Edited by The Support Team
January 29, 2014 at 6:39 pm #19062
The determination that you show, in coming here to share your feelings given the exhaustion that weighs you down, is inspiring to me.
I can see that you are struggling really hard right now. Struggling to find reasons to live. Struggling to find people that understand and can provide the support that you need.
I also see a wealth of strength inside you. Something is keeping you here. Can you tell us what is it that has you holding on? You said you are so tired and you really seem to be at your wit’s end. Do you have a plan to kill yourself Bri?
If you want to talk in a different way you are able to email our Youth Counsellors via the EMAIL button at the top of our site. Or you can Chat at CrisisChat.org
I am so thankful that you are still here with us Bri. I’ll be holding you in my thoughts.
The Support Team
February 1, 2014 at 6:18 am #19067
I don’t think anything keeps me here other than being too scared to do it.
And yes, I have a plan. I’m not crazy though.
I transferred schools this week, so I’m going through massive traditions right now and that’s hard to cope with.
February 2, 2014 at 3:02 am #19070
I get the sense you’re walking through life dazed that you have not acted on your suicide plan, that after all you’ve been through and all the pain that comes with it, you continue to survive. You see it as fear that keeps you from acting on your plan, and I want you to know that what I see is a tremendous strength to fight through the torment. We are so glad you are here and that you’re reaching out with your thoughts.
It sounds like you’ve been really thrown by the change of schools this week. I imagine the heightened anxiety and stress about figuring out your new school and new routines are just adding weight to what is already an immense burden of awful emotions.
Keep talking, keep fighting, know that we are here as you face this new challenge
February 6, 2014 at 5:41 am #19074
I’m so tired of being the one who has to keep going and keep a smile on my face when nothing feels okay. I wish I could tell people how I actually feel, how much what they say hurts me. I’m just don’t have the guts to do it.
I’m so tired.
It’s like everything keeps piling up. I transfer schools, everyone at my old school starts talking shit about me. My new school is really nice but it’s crazy to have to spend five and a half hours on homework for two classes in order to meet the expectations my parents set for me.
God and my parents. It’s like I never even talked to them about any of this. They act like nothing happened. Maybe it was my imagination. Maybe I’m going crazy.
I just don’t care anymore. I don’t have any reason to care.
February 7, 2014 at 4:49 am #19076
Oh Bri, it sounds like the schedule at your new school is immensely stressful, while thoughts of what people are saying about you at your old school are also clearly hitting you hard. I would guess you are resentful of other people who are so easily fooled by your false smile and don’t make the effort to look past it and notice how much you are really hurting. I imagine you are angry at yourself for allowing people to bulldoze over your feelings, but also scared what will happen if they see how fragile and vulnerable you really are.
I get the sense you’re running yourself ragged to meet the expectations of your parents, while also feeling incredibly let down by their silence after you disclosed to them how bad things really are for you. It seems as though their apathy has seeped into your own feelings of hopelessness, leaving you feeling disconnected from any reasons you may have once had not to act on your plan to end your life. Is anything helping distract you from the thoughts of suicide when they get really intense?
When it feels like no one else cares, know that we do Bri
The Support Team
February 7, 2014 at 5:34 am #19077
Why do you care? How can you care when people who I’ve known my entire life can’t seem to care.
There’s nothing left. I feel so alone.
I can’t even cry anymore. I’m just numb now. Empty.
I wish someone cared. It’s pathetic how desperate for affection I am. Doesn’t matter what I do no one cares about the fat suicidal girl in the corner.
I don’t care anymore either. I don’t care enough to kill myself but I don’t care enough to live anymore either. I’m just done.
February 9, 2014 at 7:15 am #19081
I know it must seem strange — receiving support from someone far away across the vast expanse that is the internet — how could they possibly care about what you’re going through? Though I don’t know you personally I’ve gotten a sense of your struggle and the pain you’re going through from your posts. From one human being to another, I can assure you that I do care about you.
I can imagine how scary it must be to reach out for someone, anyone, only to be met with rejection from those in your life. It almost seems as though if you had just one person to connect with you could hold on to that love and affection as a sign that things are worth fighting for. Is there anyone you can think of who could support you during these rough times?
Your apathy about living or dying worries me Bri123 — I would guess that things just seem like too much for you to bear right now, leaving you exhausted.
We’ll be here for you,
The Support Team
February 9, 2014 at 9:51 pm #19082
I hate feeling like this. I just feel so alone constantly. I hate always being Terre for everyone, but when I need someone, they’re never there for me. I guess I’m just not worth it.
I appreciate your concern. No one else shows any. I guess because I put on a happy face everyone assumes that everything is alright. No one takes the time to actually see if that’s true.
Apathetic is a good way to describe it. It’s almost a relief to not care any more. It doesn’t hurt as much.
February 12, 2014 at 12:37 am #19083
I can really hear the deep resentment that you have towards your feelings of isolation and emptiness. I get that these feelings have clung to you, taken you hostage and you’re totally at their mercy. I can hear that you really hate feeling this way, yet you are so weighed down, I’d imagine that feeling differently seems impossible at times. Can you remember a time when you felt happy, healthy and supported? What would feeling differently look like for you?
Seems like you feel betrayed by your friends when they aren’t there for you when you need them. I’m thinking that their neglect is extremely painful for you, especially when you’re always ready to support them, even at a cost to yourself. And, I can sense how exhausting it is to project a version of yourself that isn’t authentic. I’m wondering what sort of notice you want your friends to give you?
It sounds like feeling so intensely for so long has left you numb — which is almost preferable to the incredible pain that has plagued you for so long. I’m glad you keep connecting here.
Sending you strength and hope,
The Support Team
February 14, 2014 at 6:36 am #19085
I really can’t remember a time like that. I honestly can’t. I know I’ve had some but none come to mind anymore. Feeling different looks like people caring. Transferring schools was a good thing I guess. I have a few sort of friends for the first time in years. My parents seem to care even less. I’m in my bedroom listening to my mom talk shit on me again.
I don’t even know. I’m so exhausted from hurting all of the time. I just don’t see anything that’s worth it anymore. I’ll more than likely kill myself before I’m twenty so I don’t get why I try at all in anything. None of it will matter in the end.
February 16, 2014 at 7:25 am #19088
It looks like you are in so deep that you cannot see through the fog of despair back to a time when life has hopeful and happy. While some things have improved, and the school switch has helped on some levels, I’m seeing that other areas of your life seem completely broken. The success of finding a few friends has been overshadowed by the lack of care from your parents. I hope that you know that you deserve love and affection Bri. You are worth so much care.
When I really worry about you Bri, thinking of you feeling this way, so apathetic about life. I get the sense that you are very much alone with this fatigue and heartache. Is there anyone in your life that you would feel comfortable sharing some of your feelings with? Can we support you in connecting with a caring individual?
You mentioned death again, and I know that you previously mentioned that you don’t care enough to kill yourself, but I want you to know that if that ever changes we want to hear about it. We’re here for you Bri, and want to support that piece of your soul that is clinging to life, hoping that something will change for the better.
The Support Team
March 7, 2014 at 5:31 am #19115
I’m still alive, so I guess that’s something. I don’t know. Still apathetic and disconnected, but I’m just getting better at hiding it.
March 10, 2014 at 5:14 am #19122
Thanks for checking in with us. I get the sense you’re feeling just as exhausted and hopeless as ever, and are tired of running into dead ends when you try to get help from those around you. I imagine it’s extremely disheartening to still feel like nothing’s changed, and that you’ve tightened up your armour to hide your pain from those that make it worse instead of better for you.
I know we’re probably starting to sound a bit like a broken record, but as it’s been a few weeks since we last spoke I’m wondering where your thoughts of suicide are at these days?
Glad to hear from you, as always
The Support Team
April 6, 2014 at 12:28 am #19142
It’s been awhile since I’ve been on here. My parents took away my internet access for a few weeks. I’m still alive. Things are pretty much how they’ve always been. I guess the only thing that’s changed is I got up the guts to Self-Injure** today. Honestly, I finally understand the appeal. ** I barely Self-Injure** at all,** but there are still scars there. I can’t stop looking at them,** because they remind me of how much I’ve been able to get through. It’s like a physical manifestation of the hell that is my life.
As for suicidal thoughts, well, those are still there and they’re still pretty constant. I still haven’t gone and told my parents again that I’m still suicidal. I guess there’s this part of me that is hoping they’ll see my wrist and finally realize that something is really wrong. But if they don’t then I guess I’ll know once and for all how little they actually care. they’re pretty small and light, so I’ll just wear a long sleeve jacket for the next few days and call it good.
I’m still too scared to actually take steps towards suicide, although I guess you could say self-injury** is a pretty big step towards it. I don’t really know. It doesn’t feel like it, but maybe I’m beyond the point where I can think rationally enough to be able to tell.
**edited by the Support Team to remove triggering content
April 7, 2014 at 3:28 am #19143
I’m really glad that you were able to come back and give us an update about what’s going on for you right now. It sounds like your circumstances haven’t shifted too much on the outside but that you’re using self-harm as a way to cope with everything in your life. It’s really scary to hear that self-harm might be a step in the direction of ending your life and I really want to invite you to keep visiting us here and on our nightly chat service (6-11pm PST) for more support.
I can hear that suicide is still definitely on your mind these days and that you haven’t been able to open up to your parents about those thoughts inside your head. We are here to support you through these dark times and to listen to whatever you need to say here. I can really sense how much you want your parents to recognize your pain through your scars, as if them noticing would tell you that they love and pay attention to you, and that maybe if they were to notice then something could begin to shift for you.
I wonder if there is anyone else in your life that you might share your scars with and open up to about what’s been going through your head about ending your life?
Take good care of yourself Bri and know that you are in our thoughts
The Support Team
- The forum ‘Suicide and Self-Injury’ is closed to new topics and replies.