July 3, 2013 at 5:08 am #16411FallenAngelMember
Hi… Sorry this is my first post thing. but here goes nothing.
* I have been diagnosed with clinical depression, I’m 15. It has been 4 years that I’ve been struggling with self harm and suicidal thoughts. I’m on medication mainly because I tried to take my own life 2 years ago. The medication is helping I guess therefore I’m happier, but the thoughts and temptation to cut myself have come back. And I’m terrified that I will go back to bad habits.
I have a boyfriend who doesn’t know this side of me and I’m scared that if I tell him that he will leave me and judge the crap out of me, which has happened before.
My grandma has cancer again and she’s deteriorating fast, also I have never lost someone close to me before and she blames herself for me being the way I am, therefore depression runs in my family. I love her and I feel like part of me has died again. I CAN”T LOSE HER!! I just can’t…And seeming it runs through my family I am trying to come to terms that I will never have kids because I don’t want them to go through this.
No one understands me, I’m the outcast, loner, drama geek of my school. I have only 2 bestfriends, one goes to a different school, and the other is slowly leaving me behind in the crowd. But I get good grades, so I guess that’s all that matters…
My home life is hell as well. My brother has autism and is bullied, so I feel that it’s my job to protect him. My sister is overweight and I’m scared that she’s going to be bullied as well and I can’t let that happen. My dad is stressed out all the time and is slowly starting to break. My mom can be a real bitch. She cares about me, that I know, but her words stab me like a knife. I constantly feel that I’m not good enough for her and that I never will be, that I’m a mistake. No matter how hard I try, I know that I will never impress her or make her proud of me.
Please help me!
*Edited by The Support Team to remove personally identifying information
July 5, 2013 at 2:39 pm #18815YouthspaceModerator
Welcome to the Forum and thank you for your courage. Sounds like you have battled self harm and suicidal thoughts for a very very long time. I’m glad to hear that the medication is helping a bit but I can really hear how afraid you are to find yourself in the same dark and scary state as in the past.
I can imagine how nerve-wracking it is to think of telling someone – especially someone you really like – about the depression and everything you have been through. On the one hand you want your boyfriend to know all the sides of you, but on the other hand you have been burned before and felt the judgment of those you confide in, and it seems now that the risk of telling your boyfriend whats really going on for you might be too high?
I’m really sorry to hear about your grandma’s condition. I can hear that your grandma means the world to you and the bond that you two have is everlasting. Sounds like it is excruciating for you to watch her deteriorate in this way
You have a lot on your plate right now! I’m thinking you are overwhelmed; working to balance protecting your siblings, conflict with you parents, success at school, your relationship with your boyfriend, and friends…all the while struggling with your own inner battles. I’m really glad you reached out to us to talk about all this, cos you shouldn’t have to go thru this alone.
Sounds like you are working really hard to combat those thoughts of self harm, yet suicide and past habits keep coming to your mind….can you tell me more about what helps you avoid self harm when everything seems hopeless and the world seems to be fighting against you?
We are here for you FallenAngel…feel free to Chat in 6-11pm PST any night you want to talk.
Thinking of you and sending support,
The Support Team
July 6, 2013 at 3:56 am #18817FallenAngelMember
Thank you so much for getting back to me, I really appreciate it. Your words mean so much to me. Reaching out has helped me feel that I’m not alone.
When I get the urge to *self-harm, I start to write poetry, It’s my passion in life. But lately the urge has been really strong and I know that i can’t harm myself, because then my parents would find out and trust they have for me would be broken.
Do you know of any other ways not to harm myself?
*edited by the Support Team for triggering content
July 8, 2013 at 3:35 am #18820YouthspaceModerator
Absolutely, FallenAngel, we will reply to all your posts here and we welcome you to reach out to us whenever you need it.
It sounds like poetry gives you a creative outlet for the energy you might otherwise put towards self harm. I can hear how much you are feeling like you are fighting a losing battle with self harm, but I am encouraged to hear that you continue to fight. I get the sense that maintaining trust with your parents is really important to you, and that as much as it aches sometimes it is getting you through.
One of my favourite online resources is the National Self Harm Network website. They have this amazing link which we share a lot here on youthspace, so I apologize if you’ve seen it before: http://www.nshn.co.uk/downloads/Distractions.pdf There’s quite a few ideas of things you can try to avoid self harm, I’d love to hear what you think
As always, we’re “hear” for you
the Support Team
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