July 31, 2015 at 8:50 pm #22480Kaelan101Participant
Hi Youthspace! I am a *dancer that was in a crew that competes against other crews all over B.C.* Until my depression and anxiety got really bad. It got so bad that I started self harming* and got myself horribly drunk and went to do dance class drunk. And had to leave the crew and go to the hospital. I talked to a psychiatrist and prescribed me on an anti depressant she recommended. The medication did help and I stopped self harming* temporarily. Every time I feel good, it feels awkward and out of my comfort zone, so I hated taking the medication. So I didn’t take it anymore. I have seen councellers and it never helped me. I try my hardest to tell myself it’s normal to feel good, but no matter how hard I try I just can’t get myself to stay on the medication. I do an intense work out routine twice a week, go for walks, even do yoga. There have been days where I just want to go to bed but still have the will power to workout. But taking the medication is the hardest thing for me to do. I feel extreme euphoria every time I am depressed* and self harm. I would do anything to get drunk**I was in lots of pain. I was extremely shaky and dizzy. I am trying so damn hard to get back up, but I can’t. I am worried I will kill myself any day now. I never want my family to know that their son has committed suicide. I love my family more than anything and never want to do that to them. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
*edited by Youthspace to remove triggering content and identifying information
July 31, 2015 at 10:11 pm #22486YouthspaceModerator
I want to start by apologizing for not responding to your posting sooner. We try to be more active in the forum and reply within three days. We experienced a bit of a glitch with our system and did not see your post right away, but we are here now and will be here for you whenever you need to talk through this more. I also want to acknowledge that you put a lot more thought and information into your post than what made it to the forum, I assure you we have read it all and will be responding to you with that knowledge.
I can hear how difficult the past while has been for you, struggling with depression and with the motivation to want to take the medication. It can be so hard, when feeling down and in the dark is your everyday existence for so long, to feel comfortable with ‘happy,’ and that sucks. You try so hard to work on being happy and when you get there it is not as comfortable as you wanted it to be. So you go back to your comfort zone and self-harm, but part of you doesn’t really want to be there.
It sounds like you are in a lot of pain right now and wanting to not feel that pain. Dark thoughts run through your mind bring suicide to the forefront. You want to stop the pain but you also don’t want to spread that pain to your family, who you love and care for so much. It’s all so overwhelming and you are getting lost in the intensity and overwhelming nature of all the pain. I get the sense you have been really struggling for a long time now, and are exhausted with the fight…does anyone in your life know that it has gotten so bad for you?
We are here to talk to you as you go through these strong, dark emotions. Feel free to text or IM us any night the feelings get strong (or just when you feel the need/want).
The Support Team
- This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by Youthspace.
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