August 27, 2012 at 5:19 pm #16349still searchingMember
I SIed* for the first time last night.
I don’t even know why the idea came into my head. People say that people who SI* are numb inside, and are just trying to feel something. I was feeling a lot of things. Too many things.
I have all these secret thoughts in my head that I can’t tell anyone about. How do you tell someone how much you hate yourself? I fuck everything up, I’m not special. I have so many beautiful friends who are falling in love with each other, and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’m ugly and disgusting. I think people compliment me because they can see how useless I am and want to force a smile out of me to make themselves feel less sorry for me. And that’s just scratching at the surface of everything I’m feeling…
I cry. All the time. I’m exhausted from crying. Why do I need to SI* too? I don’t understand what drew me to it, I never thought I was the type of person to SI*. But I was so, so angry at myself. Maybe I wanted to punish myself…I don’t know…
It scares me that I have that in me. That I want, so badly, to do it again, and again.
*edited for potentially triggering content.
August 28, 2012 at 3:53 am #18365YouthspaceModerator
I can only imagine how overwhelming your emotions were to turn to SI the other night. You hadn’t considered SI before, and I get the sense that all of a sudden the pain inside built up to such an overwhelming level that you needed a release. While SI provided one form of release, Im also hearing that youre angry at yourself for giving into the self-hatred, pain and sadness I can hear the intensity of that experience for you, and how surprised and confused you are by your own actions. Im really glad you connected with us to talk about about it
You said you are scared that you want to do it again, but Im also hearing that you don’t want to do it — that you want to find another way to cope with the intense feelings? Have you thought of anything else that might help lessen the intensity?
I can hear how terrifying it feels to think about telling someone about your inner-most thoughts and feelings… you sound so isolated and alone :’( Trying to find someone trust-worthy can be challenging, and then actually talking to them can be really tough to do! I suspect too, that you have so many thoughts and feelings whirling around your head and heart that it’s hard to know where to even start, AND especially when you feel so exhausted from feeling so many things! Is there anyone in your life that you feel you can be honest with?
Again, Im really thankful you found us — we’re here for you bettysue. If you’re interested, in addition to the forum, our live chat is available 6-11pm every night (except Wednesday for now, but starting in Sept we’re open 7 nights a week!) if you want to connect that way.
The Support Team
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