When I think of my ex with this new guy I just get so mad and upset at the same time that I almost have troubles breathing, and there’s this feeling in my upper chest that scares me.
I guess for these chats I just hoped them to be more counselling, and everytime the time expires I just feel like another person is leaving me again and again. But I’ve begun to realize that these are people that care about me, and are here to listen, and that has helped me get through the chats. And I have been referring them to this post and it has really helped because I’m able to spend less time going on about my story, and talk about the stories and get further.
I’m not really sure though what I’m holding onto to help me cope. I play ball hockey in the spring, so I’m really looking forward to that I guess.
And then for self harm I tried self hurt once more, but it just kinda stings, and doesn’t help so I’m done with that for now.
I was able to tell one other person so I think that was a big step for me. I actually just showed her this post, because I didn’t want to write it all out to her. So I’m really hoping she won’t tell anyone, because if she does I know I’ll never be able to trust anyone again.

Tonight started out great. I got MVP for the game in my soccer game, and I drive home grooving out to the Blitzkreig Bop. But then I got home.
Just a usual Saturday where I’m not out with friends, but sitting in my basement alone watching TV, and thinking about stuff. The thought of my ex with this new guy won’t leave my head, and it is destroying me inside to think about the two of them together.
I just wish I had a friend I could talk to about this stuff, but I don’t feel like I have any close friends. I think I have a lot of friends, but no one ever invites me to anything besides the gym once in a while. I see the pictures online of all these parties and get togethers, and it hurts to know I want invited. Especially like on New Years when I spent it alone. In my basement alone.
I just want to talk to someone about this, but I just don’t feel like anyone cares about me, and even the people I’ve told I feel like they’ve drifted away from me. My ex I’m not surprised, but I thought te person I told on Thursday would make a bigger effort to help me through this time. I told them because I want someone to talk to about this, but I also don’t like talking to people about it because then if I do end up killing myself they’ll blame themselves for not doing enough to help me, and I don’t want to drag people down after I die. I just want to be thrown into a hole, covered in dirt, and then be left there to rot, and be forgotten.

Well today was going okay….until my ex walked past one of my classes, and I looked down to realize I was wearing the hoodie that I’d leant to her one night she was cold. Looking back I think that’s the night I fell in love with her. It was right after a youth group night she’d invited me to, and even though I’m not religious I went because it meant more time with her. So us and another couple left early to wander around, and we winded up at the playground across the street. The couples split apart, and while we were sitting she was shivering so I gave her my hoodie. Then we got up and walked towards the other couple holding hands for the first time ever. It just felt so right, and even now my heart is skipping thinking about it.
I also realized that I will never love anyone again. She is all I can think about, and I think I’m just going to wind up alone, and that’s fine because I’d rather that happen then end up having a family with anyone else. So I’m okay living alone and even though my parents will hate it, that doesn’t matter. I’m sure other people will try to convince me that there are “many fish in the sea” but what’s the point of searching if the one I love is hiding away from me.
One of the places I go to work everything out is the gym, but I’m not sure ill keep going there. It’s also one of the few places I actually see my friends outside of school, but the reason I went to the gym was to get bigger for girls to like me. I’m pretty lanky so I figured it couldn’t hurt. But what’s the point now if I don’t want to impress any girls? My ex hates my guts, so there’s no one else I need to get big for. This might hurt my chances of staying alive because I see my “friends” there. But they’re usually mean to me anyways, and I even wonder if they’re actually friends.
Just thought I’d check in again. Hopefully I get a reply on this stuff soon

So two things happened yesterday that are just keeping this downward spiral going. First my mom has been heckling me to invite a friend up to the mountain this Friday to go boarding, but I don’t like it when she forces me into something. Then I realized that the hockey draft for the hockey pool I’m in is supposed to be that day. I was about to tell my mom, but then I held back. Why not teach her that if he pushes me into things I’ll push right back? All the guys in my pool are from my school, an it could be a chance to form some friendships just like she wants. But instead I’m thinking of going up to the mountain with my mom and dad, and then when one of them erupts (which one will) ill bring up the hockey pool and say it was unfortunate that they forced me to come up to the mountain with them.
Then came the comment on twitter later. So I’m in grade 12, and my ex is in grade 10. I didn’t, and still don’t care about the age difference, but a lot of people make a big deal about it. Pretty much a comment was made directly to me on there last night, and it really hurt. When people said stuff about the age difference while we were dating I didn’t care, and her mom even asked me one time if people have me a hard time about dating a grade 12. I said it didn’t matter to me because my now ex made me happy, and the age didnt matter to me, and they were probably just jealous because of how happy I was.
But now these comments just hurt me because I’m not happy anymore, and it’s getting harder and harder to hold on.
My happiness blocked it out before, but now there is no happiness in my life to block it out.
I think if I can make it to ball hockey season I’ll be okay, but I’m afraid I’ll kill myself before that

And then the dinner conversation starts out tonight with “Martin (not my real name) it doesn’t seem like you have any friends. Why is that?” I can’t wait to see their faces when I tell them about the hockey pool on Friday

Today was actually okay we are doing a protest this Saturday, and I’ve had lots to do in planning that, and alerting the media so that kept me busy. Then I received a call back from the college I reaaaaaaally want to go to, so that was cool. In class my ex came in for about 15 minutes but I just stayed at the teachers desk, and did some marking for her, and even though her presence was always in mind, I managed to get through better than I’d expected. Last night my friend told me something he’d thought after I tweeted him something, and it related to my girlfriend breaking up with me. His thought was pretty mean, but I dragged it out of him, because he’d mentioned he’d had a thought that was worse than his previous comment about me dating a grade 10.
Another friend mentioned how he and some buddies had seen my ex at the mall, and thought I’d done pretty good to date her. But hey I’m just a loser that was reaching for someone way out of my range, and that’s why I’ve been told nice guys finish last with girls. Because try always chase after the wrong ones, but my girlfriend just seemed so right, and I really believed that we would last forever.

Hey MemyselfandI, yah with the parents it really just wears down on me with how often they do it hopefully things will get better though if my college plans work out socially though I’m not sure ill ever please them.
And Hello Support Team, well I haven’t been on chat the last two days, but I think that’s good because it means that the thoughts of suicide aren’t always on my mind. And yah the comments about my ex were really a kick in the stomach while I was already down. I also haven’t thought about suicide toooo much, but often I’ll see things now, and think about how I could kill myself with it, but I haven’t been thinking a plan, besides one night this week. ** So the thoughts are still there, but they are much less common, and extreme now. I’m certainly not out of the clear yet though

**Edited by Support Team for potentially triggering content.

First off sorry about that last post, I didn’t mean to include “potentially triggering” stuff, but looking back I agree that it should have been sensored out.
Secondly I think things with my ex are getting a little better. I still think about her everyday, but it’s not all the time like it was before. She’s started to come into the classroom again that I peer tutor, but I’m okay with it. Besides one kid constantly asking me how awkward it is, I’m okay with it I’m hoping that our friendship/relationship heals over time, an I just heard of a similar instance where she wouldn’t talk to a guy or nearly a year, but they’ve just recently started talking again. So hopefully I can do that as well, and I guess I’ll just have to be patient (not something I’m very good at)
Haven’t thought about suicide lately either which is good, but I’m worried that after our protest today against the ** Theatre(was shown on two big newscasts**) that I won’t be as busy, and I’ll just feel useless again so I guess I’ll have to check back in, in a few days to update how I’m doing

**edited by support team for identifying information

Yah so I’m glad because I’m thinking of waiting like 3-5 years, and then seeing if my ex would be interested in dating then. She’ll be graduated in three years, and I’m hoping that she’ll be mature enough to commit to a real relationship. I guess it’s weird to have a timeline like that set, but that’s just the type of person I am. First off though I have to get onto at least speaking terms with my ex. So many of my friends are telling me to forget her, but I just can’t; not when everything I see makes me happy, and whenever something good happens she’s the first person I want to tell.
As for the protest we had negative feedback on the Internet, and social media, but it was pretty fun, and I think we did a good job our teacher and principal are coming under fire for it though because some people are being idiots, but I think they’ll get through

Yah she was just someone I felt like I could share anything with, and I trusted her so much with everything. I would love to date her again, but more importantly I just want to be on speaking terms with her again. I really do care about her so much, and I hate the fact that I’ve hurt her throughout this process (not physically don’t worry MeMyselfandI) but emotionally I guess. I’m just scared that I’ll hurt her again, but it hurts me not to be able to speak to her.
As for looking after myself hockey has been a huge help, and my favourite team the New Jersey Devils are off to a 2-0 start so that’s awesome even though I’ve been waiting for these games for 3 months though, my parents are still nagging me not to watch hockey all the time. I just wish that they could see how much watching hockey helps me through everything.
Ugh on Saturday night though I went out with my friends to the movies, and I had really been looking forward to it because I hadn’t spent time with them for quite a while, but I ended up feeling left out as usual. They’ve both done…stuff…with their current or past girlfriends, and I just feel out of the loop, and it really just seems to distance me from them. The entire time they either talked to each other, or were on their phones texting, and I had just really hoped it would be a chance for me to connect with them again because one guy now has a girlfriend, and seems to spend all of his time with her. But hey I’m beginning to accept the feeling of being abandoned which sucks, but is true

Well I got accepted to the college I’ve wanted to go to since I was in grade 10, focussing on the topic I’ve wanted to study since I was in grade 8.
Two problems though
1) I text my ex hoping I’d get some response from her…and nothing. This is the biggest news of my life, and I should be happy now, but instead all I can think of is not being able to talk to her. Just whenever something good happens I want to share it with her, and I can’t

2) my parents acted proud, but as soon as I asked if I could drop one class next semester because I don’t need it for the class I’m going into, they went off on keeping my options open. It just sucks because my mom has never seemed to support the idea of me going into this program. But it’s all I want to do.

I should be so happy right now, but getting into this program has only made things worse

Yah I’ve just got to be patient…something I’ve never been great at :p plus I joined rugby this year, and apparently she’s on the girls team…so I guess we’ll get used to seeing each other but yah hopefully when the time is right we’ll start speaking again and good luck on becoming a tattoo artist MeMyselfandI!!!

Hey thank you for the response on me getting into the college

And yah I guess it hurt that she broke my trust, but I guess she was just looking out for me, which meant she cared about me at the time. I’m just scared that I’ve screwed things up so badly, and I won’t be able to fix things with her. Also I’m worried that she’ll find out about this site one day, and how I’ve been writing about my situation. She really didnt want me writing about anything that went on with us, but I felt like I needed to write about it, because it has been such a huge factor in all my feelings. Also knowing me, if we ever become friends again, I think I’ll have to tell her about this, just because I don’t want to keep this secret from her.

As for suicide……I haven’t been thinking about the actual way of doing it, but I’m always just feeling so worthless now, and I don’t see the point of living anymore, because I don’t feel valuable. So I’m worried that these feelings may lead to me thinking about suicide again. I want someone to talk to again, but the two people I’ve told have completely abandoned me, and I can’t afford for that to happen again. And hockey has been a good way out, but I’m worried that it will only last so long, and it’s just depressing to think that it’s the only thing that has kept me going, well along with the hope of rekindling at least a friendship with my ex

Just another regular Friday night for me tonight I was supposed to go to the gym with a friend, but he bailed last second. And then I ended up seeing two “friends” up at the gym who just bullied me throughout the night. Then they went to McDonalds later after I told them I was going to Subway, so that kinda sucked because I invited them to Subway

Then I came home and spent the night alone.

I am so done with this. My friends are abandoning me, and the ones that have stuck around can barely be called real friends, because they constantly put me down. I want to battle through this all, but it’s just becoming all too consuming, and I don’t know what I’m going to do.

I woke up this morning, and I just can’t handle all of this anymore. My dad is being a pain in the ass and he’s home all the time because he can’t go back to work yet, and still everything reminds me of my ex.

Anything I see on TV involving couples makes me cringe, every red car/van I see I look to see if it’s her, all my sweaters remind me of how I used to lend them to them.

And every second now I have flashbacks to times I should have kissed her. She’s the one for me, and I think if I’d kissed her that it might have helped us. I also know I would never regret it if I had kissed her, even if she still broke up with me.

Well I’m sitting here thinking I’ll never kiss a girl, but I’ve got to go because my dad is freaking out at me for being on my phone and not doing anything. I’ll bet he would shut up if I told him about this site, and my posts.
I’m just so done with everything, and whenever I catch a break someone brings me down, or I’ll even do it myself by thinking about how I should talk to my ex. I’m an idiot

I was really hoping tonight would have gone better…my sister and I had a bunch of friends down, and I was having a great time, until we watched a movie with a couple that were watching a movie in their dorm room. So with that I started imagining how if things had lasted between my ex and I that she could be there with me then watching the movie with my friends and I. I just miss the days when we would cuddle on her couch, and we would just stare into each others eyes. But I was too worried with impressing her parents, that I never really did anything that exciting with her and I will regret that forever if I never get another chance.

I don’t know about suicide…I haven’t been making plans like I had before, but my life just seems so worthless now, and I don’t see any reason to continue living. I just emailed the ecounselling today, so maybe that will help but I’m not sure. I just feel like I’ve tried so many things to get better, and they all help briefly, but begin to help less with time.

God I’m so confused right now I’m even contemplating my sexual preferences, or if I’m even into people at all. The thought of sex is just gross, and I’m pretty sure that there aren’t any other *young guys that think that. Just the idea of **sex seems gross, and I can’t even imagine it. Really if I ever do find another girl, or make things work with my ex, right now I’d want to do that Petrie dish thing or whatever for making a baby. I’m just so confused right now with everything, and I think I like girls, but I’m wondering if because I don’t like the thought of sex that I really don’t. And like I’ll think stuff like “that guy is pretty good looking” but like in a complimentary kind of way, not like a “I want to date him and have sex with him”

*edited by the Support Team for identifying information
**edited by the Support Team for sexual content

Well today started off okay. We won our soccer game 4-1, and I had 3 assists, and MOST of the car ride with my mom was bearable. Then I said that I preferred staying home to going out, and she said that all her friends who preferred to stay home weren’t all there mom. So that has pretty well ruined my afternoon, and evening. Thanks Mom

Well…remember the second person I told about my suicidal thoughts? Well her ignoring the topic all together was bad enough, but now she is just completely ignoring me in general. We haven’t talked since our last class on Friday where I’m the peer tutor, and I’m thinking she just befriended me so that she could get a better grade in the class. Why does all this have to happen now. I don’t think I can stand another person I trusted so much, leave me, and not talk to me again.

Oh boy another fun car ride…this time with my dad. So we were talking about a magazine that my dad put in our washroom, and it’s a big name magazine that focuses mostly on girls in well inappropriate clothing and such. And after my Social Justice class I don’t approve if those magazines. So I asked my dad if we could take it out since I didn’t think it was appropriate. So he asked me “do you even like girls?” And that I said that I do, but I don’t know; it just hurts that he said it to me.

False alarm with the 2nd person I told about everything…she was just sick…oops

Hey sorry about this recent rush of posts… But a lot has been happening lately.

This week was okay for me, probably because I didn’t have school due to our semester break for provincial exams. I’m worried though that when I return to school that my ex will be on my mind a lot again though if I’m seeing her a lot she has been on my mind all the time as usual, but it’s been bearable lately. I’m just worried that when I return to school that all my thoughts of her rushing back in will be unbearable. But I’ll check in again in a few days to say how it all goes

Hey Youthspace, so yah those two car rides really hurt, and just added to the sexual, and emotional troubles I’ve been having lately which really sucks. I want to reach out still for help from people, but I just don’t feel like I can trust anyone again with my secrets. My ex isn’t talking to me, and I have no idea what’s going on with the other girl, and I’m scared that she has abandoned me as well.
I’ve partially reached out to one other girl at our school though, because I know that he has been going through a tough time, and I’ve seen tweets and such related to suicide. I really scared that she’ll do it because she really pretty, smart, and athletic which are awesome characteristics to have. She has some really good friends though, so I think she’ll make it through, but I still referred her to this page, and gave her my # incase she ever needed to talk. Maybe by talking to her will help me get through, but of course I’m not helping her for that reason. I just want her to be okay

Well I had a good thought today. After thinking about my current situation with my ex and I being in an awkward place I realized that I’ve been here before. In grade 8 I asked a girl out who was a year younger than me. The year prior we’d been in the same class a 6/7 split, and we became pretty close over that time, and I guess I fell for her on the day I saw her when the grade 6s being named to each class. I saw her and hoped that she would be in my class, and as it turns out she was! But yah I screwed things up in grade 8. I felt like things were so awkward between us, and I avoided the area of the school that she had all of her classes in. And probably only last year I actually became comfortable talking to her again. I did a little bit in grade 10, but it was mostly grade 10 that we rekindled our friendship, and now I’d say we’re good friends again. Every once in a while ill have bursts where I begin to like like her again, but I think we’re just meant to be friends, and besides; I still feel as if my ex is the one for me.
The point I’m trying to make though is that I just have to give this relationship time. I’ve been through a similar situation before, and only today did I realize that with time it can all work out can I go back to just being friends? Maybe I don’t know, but I know that I have to give it time. Actually it was pretty similar times things became awkward with each of the girls. It was in December, and during my last year at each school. So I guess giving it a year or two when I switch schools will be good for me because I won’t see her all the time, and my new school will distract me enough to get me through everything.

Tonight was a bad night the shicode thoughts came back, because I realized that it would be easier than having to think about my ex all the time. She won’t talk to me still, and I know that this will take time, but it’s just so tough
Then me and two buddies were playing a video game tonight, and one of them rage quit leaving me and the other guy. Then he left to go play zombies mode with three other friends. I joined the party, but they told me to leave because they could only take 4 people in all. It wasn’t “hey Martin wants to play this video game! How about we play multiplayer, and wait to play zombies for a time when no one else is on” but that’s just not the way some people think. One of the guys was also supposed to text me tonight to hang out, but he never did, and he apologized for that, and I was pretty tired so I wasn’t too disappointed about that. Being forced to leave their group on the video game really hurt though
Killing myself just seems like such an day way to deal with all of this. I know it’s not the honourable way to go, but I don’t really care anymore.

Hey Youthspace,

Well Iike you said I’ve changed a lot from grade 8, and I’m honestly not sure what got me through it all. Just time, and I was giving the girl space but really it was more just avoiding her because of how embarrassed I was. I was also upset at myself because I knew that I’d just ruined a really good friendship.

As for my suicidal thoughts, I haven’t been making plans as much which I guess is good, but there’s just so many ways to do it, and I’m worried that one time I’ll be feeling really down, and a chance will be there to kill myself which scares me I’m a person that likes things planned out though, so I think that if I do go through with it, that it’ll be planned I don’t think I can ever trust anyone again with this information. The two people I’ve told have left me completely, and it hurts even more, and I can’t stand for that to happen a third time. It was weird because the 2nd girl I told was really supportive the night I told her, but since then she never tried talking about it again. I know it’s a tough topic to discuss, but for her just to check up, and see how I was doing would have shown that she actually cared, but now it feels as if she doesn’t

For the girl I’ve trying to be helping, I would prefer just to talk with her because I know from personal experience that it hurts if people go off blabbing about it. But she was putting it on twitter so I’m not sure how much of a secret she wants it to be I’d still rather just talk with her about it though, and I really hope that I can help get her through it all

Hello all, well I was hoping that I would kinda get away from my ex this semester…but no luck there. After my first blk everyday I see and her friend walking to their 2nd blk class…which I right across from my classroom at the same time!!! And then in block 4 they sit in the hallway that my classroom is at. I was really thinking that not seeing her might make me get over her, but well I guess that won’t be happening this semester.
Grad is coming up…and I don’t want to go AT ALL everyone else is so excited for it, but I’m dreading it, and really hoping that I can just skip it. I wanted to bring my ex when we were dating, but I decided against asking her because it was pretty far in the future. Yet another what if there that maybe if I’d asked her we would still be together also at the last dance we had the Winter Formal, I just sat around depressed the entire time, and I think I’ll be doing the same thing at Grad which sucks

Then I went over to a friends house the other day which was cut short because his dog was puking, but he made a good point when we were talking about my ex. He really wants me to get over her, and doesn’t understand why I like her just because of how different we are. Really I don’t understand either, but she just made me happy all the time, and I’ve never felt that way before. My friend said that maybe because sheafs me feel like that, that that’s why I want her back, so I can feel that way again. Which makes sense, but is that really so wrong? I’ve talked to plenty of girls, and there was just something about her that made me smile whenever I saw a text arrive from her, or a message on FB come from her. I could talk to her for hours and never be bored, and I can’t stand not having her in my life right now. I haven’t talked to her in about a week, and I’m contemplating making another attempt at talking to her again. Yah it’s probably too soon, and chances are she won’t respond, but I have to try.
Another friend I’ve known since I was in diapers said just to seem happy, give her space, and she’ll realize that leaving me was a mistake, but I can’t be, or act truly happy without her, it was a good idea, but I’m not sure it’ll work
Finally suicide…I’ve contemplated it to get out of grad, and that really just shows how much I want to go. Plus it’ll stop all these horrible feelings I’ve been having, and that would be awesome.

The thing I was holding onto just left me, and I’d hoped she might give me another chance. Last night though I asked her friend why my ex hated me and her friend said that my ex didnt hate me. She just didnt want to be friends anymore, and I think that she’s right. Tonight her fb account was commenting onto all of these comments about a weight loss thing, so I figured it was spam. So I sent her a text thinking hey maybe if I help her out and tell her it’ll be a step in the right direction. An hour later I check back, and she’s blocked me on there. I was just trying to help.
I don’t know what I’m going to do now, and I’m scared

Well…happy one month anniversary on here

Today was tough, but then again when hasn’t it been. My grad is coming in June, and right now I just want to skip it.
Ex doesn’t want to be friends with me, and I’m pretty sure that’s final. There’s nothing else I can do to change her mind, so I’m thinking nothing new will wind up here on the forum, so here’s my last post. Thanks everyone for listening, and thank you Youthspace for talking and listening to me.

Hey sorry one last thing. The second girl I told about my suicidal thoughts…she’s been awesome lately, and has just been that friend that my ex was, and I can really talk to her about anything, and it’s pretty awesome to have that again and just knowing that she didnt really let go of me

Hey again…

Well after taking a brief leave I realized how happy I should be in life with everything going on this year. I was accepted into my dream program at my dream college, just last week I was one of 30 students selected to partake in a student reporter gig with a large television company in Canada, and well I’m graduating which should be cool.
I don’t want to go to grad though, I hate the thought if it, and really want to skip it no matter how weird that sounds. Tomorrow at school though we have some presenter coming to our school, and he’s doing some big anti bullying thing, and part of it includes suicide. Then 50 students were selected to stay afterwards and work in some workshop, and I’m worried I was picked because the councillor knows I was contemplating suicide, but I don’t know. Just this whole assembly has brought up the feelings of suicide again, and tonight I was spending time researching a way to kill myself.
The girl I told about this all has been awesome still, but I just don’t think her help is enough to get me through this.
Oh and a girl said she liked me the other week, but a few days after I told her I wasn’t interested (as nicely as I could) she informed me that I was really just a rebound from another guy she likes. So hey the past two girls who’ve liked me have just used me as a rebound…luckily I didn’t agree to date the new girl, or I would’ve ended up the same way I did with my first and last girlfriend. I just feel like a rebound guy now, and it sucks

I really get that bird tied down thing. I really feel as if I should be flying right now, but this whole thing with my ex is just holding me down.
And well I’ve had another friend I’ve been able to talk to lately which has really helped. We’ve really only been friends a short while, but whenever I talk with her, it actually feels as if she cares about what’s going on with me, and that’s just awesome because I haven’t felt that since my ex because well I thought she cared about me. Only problem with this new friend…she’s also best friends with my ex. I don’t know why the two people I’ve trusted most since the breakup have been two of her best friends, and I just feel like I shouldn’t be talking to them and it sucks to feel that way, but this new girl makes me feel so open, and just seems to care about me, so I really don’t want to break that bond

Yah I feel awful about this new friendship, and I worry that I’m going to develop feelings for the girl, because I know it’s never work since I dated one of her best friends, and I’m friends with her sister, so things might be weird

I don’t really know what else is going to help me fly right now though. Just this support from the girl has been amazing, and I don’t think I’d be alive right now if it wasn’t for her, and the second girl I told about my suicidal thoughts. I’m just really glad that they’ve been here for me, and although I’d like to hope they’ll be enough I get me through, I’m not so sure

Hey just wanted to check in again, so I’m on the rugby team, and I’ve been really busy lately which has been awesome because it’s kept my mind busy. Unfortunately grad talk is now in full blast…this sucks for me because I have no date, no friends to go down with, and honestly no desire to even go. Maybe if I found someone to go with it’d at least give me some motivation, but girls seem to be expecting big giant presentations for being asked, but I’m more old fashioned get them off to the side, and just ask quietly. Plus whenever I think of a girl to ask, I always figure they’ll say no because they’d probably rather go with so many other people besides me
Suicide thoughts were quieting down a few days ago…but now I just don’t know what to think

Oh man rugby is awesome such a good place just to vent, and it’s really calming when you’re all done
Grad stuff still sucks, and I have no idea if I’ll even take anyone, but there is good news my ex might start talking to me again. One of her friends talked to her about me, and it sounds like she’ll start talking to me, as long as I want to be just friends. I am so dedicated to have her back in my life, and I’m willing to be just friends so that has really gotten that rock detatched from me. She’s camping this weekend, but I hope when she comes back that she’ll start talking to me again

Well my ex and I are talking again, but grad is bad. Last night I lied in bed for about 20 minutes just shaking and crying about how I wish I dead instead of having to go to grad. I’m scared of what’s to come.

Well I guess I have a few ways I could kill myself. Not like a schedule though or anytime picked out to do it. It seems like so many things I do now though I imagine ways I could kill myself through doing them. Grad just seems like it’s supposed to be such a happy time, and the way I’m feeling makes me feel like even more of an outsider to everyone

I’ve had a weird couple of days…on Saturday I had my soccer team over for a wrap up, and that was good I guess, but nothing really special I was also talking to my ex in the morning though….and well we got back to the topic of my suicide, and I’m really scare that she’s going to tell my parents. She’s threatened to come over and tell them, but if she does that I worry that they’ll react to an extreme although I’m not sure how. But then her two friends I’ve been talking to, my ex said that they don’t care about my problems. I asked both of the girls, and they both denied it, but I just can’t get that doubt out of the back of my mind. I don’t think I’ll be talking to either again, and it’s probably for the best. If I do kill myself they hopefully won’t miss me as much if I hadn’t talked to them as much. I don’t know why my ex would lie to me about that, and it’s just really confusing. Then today I went shoppig for my grad clothing, but I’m not sure ill live to that point. I was really excited when we first got home with all my new stuff (I also got 2 books, and one of those new Canucks hats with the logos they played with against Detroit this Saturday) but then reality struck in again as I was reminded with my grad stuff how I don’t have a date. I really thought about asking one girl, but I’m a pretty boring guy, and I don’t want to ruin her night, or anyone else’s, so I’ll probably just go alone. I don’t even know yet how I’m getting down there yet, which everyone else seems to know.

Well, I guess the thoughts are lessened when I’m busy, but whenever I’m not I just get super depressed. Turns out my ex was lying about the two girls not wanting to talk to me, and she just doesn’t want me talking to her friends. She said later its fine if it helps me get through, but who cares anymore. I don’t have anyone to contact if these thoughts become too much. I have the suicide hotline, but I don’t think I’ll use that my family doesn’t know, and of the two “friends” that know about my suicidal thoughts, my ex seems to talk to me just because she’s scared I’ll kill myself if she doesn’t. It’s nice of her, but when the only actual conversations where I can get more than one word outta her in response are when we talk about my suicide…that doesn’t really help then the other girl…she’s in a great place, and I don’t need to screw up her life. She has a great boyfriend, she has great friends, and she seems happy. I’m not going to ruin her days by making her deal with my crap. I know she would, but I just can’t put that on her.

Hey, so lately I’ve been having insane mood swings on my suicidal thoughts. One minute I’m super happy, and the next I’m depressed. Honestly I think the weather getting better is cheering me up, and this spring break has been a pleasant break from all the grad chat. I know when I’m back at school though, that the idea of grad will be everywhere, and I’m not sure how I’ll cope so the TV program I made it into ends Wesnesday when we all go on air, but the next day I have my first ball hockey practice. Really my television gig has kept me alive until now because I don’t want to let them down, and I think a similar thing will happen with me for ball hockey. That’s good because it lasts 2-3 months.
Talking to my ex is okay…but I’m really worried right now, because I told the cops about this one party and they called the kid, so it got shut down. I did that because my ex was supposed to go, and the party was going to be outta control, so I was just trying to protect her. I haven’t told anyone I called the cops, and I can’t or everyone at school will hate me. For the party, he told everyone about it, and told everyone to bring as many people, and booze as they could, thus I knew it’d be unsafe for my ex who I know likes to drink to a point where she doesn’t remember what happened the morning. I just shudder at the guys who would take advantage of her in that stage, and it’s just one party, but hopefully it helps for talking with her, she can really overreact to stuff, and it sucks because I’m scared of answering certain questions with how I really feel. My last few days have just been filed with ups and downs.

Hey, yah I am really worried about her finding out that I told the cops. Somehow someone foundout, but no one has been able to prove anything yet. Someone posted it anonymously to the hosts page, and so he asked me about it. I had to lie to him, and about three others. I felt the worst though because one was my ex, and the other is the girl who I told after my ex I was thinking about suicide. As much as I’d love to trust them, it’s just something that could spread easily, and make life tougher for me than it already is. They changed the date of the party though, so my ex still went, but it wasn’t the madhouse it would’ve been had it been the other day, so I guess it’s…okay
I do really hold back, because I want us to stay in contact, but I feel like if I say everything on my mind that she’ll get even more mad at me than she already is.
But yah, really just a lot of ups and downs lately. I haven’t been thinking about suicode a lot lately, but I don’t know how things are going to go with grad. I just got invited to travel downtown in a partybus so I guess it was nice to be included in that. As per usual though, I know that ill be the boring kid who sits in the corner, and doesn’t do everything

Hey, so the party stuff has all died down, so that’s good. I feel awkward seeing the party host though, but hey at least he doesn’t know. Grad stuff is okay, although I still feel like the odd one out whenever I’m with friends. I just want to be included, but that’s not working out.
My suicide thoughts have reduced more which is good, but I still don’t feel like I’m out free. I still imagine dying, and it’s a thought that I’ve come to accept all this time. All these things I’ve waited for hoping to help me have been temporary plugs, but they can’t seem to help me in the long run.

Hey youthspace, long time no talk to. Can’t say I missed it here, because it meant I was okay for a time, but I’m back, and have a whole new story to add.

So I was talking with this girl three years younger than me, and we really opened up to each other, and I fell for her. Then her friend started a rumour about me how I said to her that I would be with the girl I liked by the end of the year, and that freaked the girl I like out, so she backed off, and didn’t talk to me that weekend. I found out what happened, and explained what happened on the Monday and we managed to patch things up, but things haven’t been the same since. Then I found out that she was making out with this guy all around the school, an it really hurt me, because I still had a small hope that she still liked me.
Then I have her a letter explaining how I felt, and a mineral dolphin I bought in grade 7 that I had promised myself I would give to the first girl I really fell for. I always thought about giving it to my girlfriend mentionned in here, but it just didn’t seem right, so I guess it’s good I didn’t give it to her.
Giving it to this other girl doesn’t seem like such a great idea now though, because even though she said the letter and dolphin were the sweetest things that anyone had ever done for her, that she still just wanted to be friends. She knows I’ve thought about suicide before, and then I brought it up again, so she got worried, and we decided to talk the next day when things calmed down, because I had had a tough night, and explained that that’s why I had snapped. That was last night…

Then in school today, the counsellor came to my class, and called me down to his office, so I got another wonderful talk. Turns out the girls parents had come in, and pretty much told the counsellor that they were worried about their daughter being so close with a suicidal grade 12, and I was told by the counsellor to back off. The girls friend also knew about my suicidal thoughts, and how I like the girl, but neither of them are supposed to talk with me now.

I don’t understand why everyone I open up to leaves me

I don’t know who else I can tell I don’t want my parents to find out, because I don’t like it when they worry about me…
Suicide thoughts for today? Well I guess it’s become not so much “if” I’ll commit suicide, as “when” I’ll commit suicide. I hurt the people I care deeply about, and I don’t want to hurt anyone else. I guess it’s selfish to say, but I know the people I’ve told will be hurt by me dying, and I still want to die. They’ll be over me sooner or later I know, and I guess that’s all I can ask for. The scariest part, is this past girl I’ve liked, has said she’ll kill herself if I do too…I don’t think she will though, because from personal experience it’s a lot tougher to actually kill yourself, then it seems. I’ve been thinking about it since November, but I still haven’t had the guts to do it.
I guess my weekend was okay, I had my commencemt on Saturday, so apparently that means I’m officially graduated. It’s one thing I wanted to do before I died, so I guess there’s not much holding me back now. Then the next day we had a family BBQ with my family to celebrate the occasion, and it hurt to hear them all saying how proud they are, and how they can’t wait to see what I’ll do with my future. I just don’t know if my future will be much longer than a few weeks

Yah I know people will care, but I don’t think that they will for very long. Like I guess my family will…but I can’t think of any friends close enough to me that won’t forget me easily. I don’t get why people would care though. I can’t think of anything right now that will get me through the summer. The summer is usually a bad time for me, because I always stick around home, and then my parents get mad at me for not being social.
I still want to pursue the college course, but it’s certainly not enough for me to hold onto life.
Last night I had my grad, and there’s this one girl I kind of like, and I really wanted to get a picture with her. But then I realized that it’d just be a reminder to her of me when I die, so I decided it wasn’t a good idea. There’s this other girl a few years younger than me I’ve been talking to, and she’s really nice, and caring, but I’m trying my best not to like like her, because she’s the person right now I’m telling everything to, and I can’t afford to lose that.
Life just doesn’t seem worth living right now. I hurt the people I care about outside of my family, and in turn they’ve hurt me, by eventually turning their backs on me. Starting from my ex, to my friends, and most recently the girl I’ve fallen for.

Everything is so much better now.

I never believed the people that said that it would, but with time, things really do get better. I was talking with my aunt the other day, and she was talking to me about bullying in high school, and how she wished people could see that things often get better afterwards. High school just brought me down, and I don’t have many if any memories. One day I may regret that, but for now, I’m just so happy I’m out of there. In a few weeks I start college, and I am excited, but of course nervous for starting at a new place.
The girl I talked about last time, I’ve fallen for her, and she knows, but doesn’t like me. The difference with her though, is that we’ve stayed friends, and she hasn’t left me. I have told her as much as I can about myself, and no one knows more personal stuff about me. I can deal with her not liking me though.
I had one awful weekend pretty soon after my last post, and I wouldn’t har been able to handle it without this amazing girl in my life. My ex told me she only datede to look cool for dating an older guy, some stuff came up about my dads cancer, and the girl I used to like posted a picture of her making out with some guy, a week after hooking up with another guy at my school all over the place. It hurt because it showed I meant to her, but really none of it phased me, because I have amazing family, an incredible future, and most importantly, an amazing girl to share it with. I’m not sure what level that will always be, whether we just stay friends, try a relationship, or break away from each other with me being at a new school (but I will do everything I canto make sure we don’t drift apart.

Please everyone read this, know things get better. I never believed it, and most of you probably won’t either, but it does, and it’s a really important lesson to learn.