January 13, 2014 at 2:44 am #16449FootPrintsMember
I can’t say important information to others or to my counselor. I am very open with my counselor; he is very helpful but sometimes I am unable to make what I think into verbal words. I have e-mailed him the important information; however, we do discuss that in the session. I want to just be able to verbally say those things.
He is aware that me sending him an e-mail is easier for me and I say more. I want to be able to verbally explain myself. I need to work on that.
I’m not sure if he really understands how much I am struggling. I sit, he asks me questions, I answer. My responses aren’t connected to my emotions. I’ve been seeing him for roughly 5 months now, once a week, I’ve only cried once. I don’t mean a few tears, I balled my eyes out. Why I balled is because of one emotional feeling that always bothers me. I have a weak spot for talking about a certain emotion where I basically melted in a ocean.
He knows I smoke cigarettes.
He knows I sometimes self-harm.
He knows I’ve OD’d on medication.
He knows I’m abusing over the counter medication.
One thing I can’t tell him is; I am falling apart. I can’t sleep, maximum hours I get is 3hrs anything more I feel sick. I’m continuing to secretly abuse over the counter medication and I’ve went to class basically all drowsy and out of it. However, I still managed to answer questions and ask questions. I keep drinking energy drinks to get the feeling of being high.
It gives me power.
It gives me control.
I am unsure where my voice has gone. He always starts the conversations in the sessions. I want to be able to, once I sit down to spill my guts out. I want to spill my feelings out before he even asks me how I am doing. I just want to say it. I remain quiet until he speaks first. I want to break the rules and go on and go on until I have nothing else to say about my feelings.
“I’ve been numb to a lot of emotions. I can’t stop doing shit to myself. Not necessarily harmful shit but things that are this impulse; feelings of fear is my main feeling and I can say only feeling. I’ve lost the ability to feel feelings other than fear. For fuck sakes I am so numb nothing I do is pleasurable to me or makes me happy.”
I can go on.
Typically, he starts then I respond. I want to just say that to him before he says anything to me.
January 14, 2014 at 5:19 pm #19038YouthspaceModerator
It looks like you are really on the edge of making a change in the way you interact with your counselor – thank you for sharing your desire to be honest verbally here with us.
When you write about melting into that ocean, expressing that emotion that you fear, I get the sense that you feel complete loss of control. That the waves roll up around you, and the floodgates open. You say you do some things in your life to regain this lost sense of control and power. And I may be wrong, but I’m thinking your goal of starting off the conversation with your counselor would also help you regain a sense of power. Power over your therapeutic process. What do you think?
You say your responses aren’t connected to your emotions when you are responding to your counselor in sessions. Is there any time or place in your life that you do feel these two are connected?
I admire your desire to be more vulnerable with your counselor. You are very clear about what you want to say to him, and how you want to say it. Did you have a time in mind, that you want to take the reins and start the conversation?
If you live in Canada, you can also Chat in if you want more immediate support in how this conversation with your counselor might go.
With supportive thoughts,
The Support Team
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