April 9, 2014 at 4:45 pm #16469RaineMember
Suicide has been on my mind for the past few weeks, and mostly the past few days. I have no plans or any of that, but its really hard to cope with life when I feel so yanked down by my depression, anxiety, and even in some cases my family. I refuse to cave in to wishes, but I still sometimes feel just that hopeless. Friends I have keep me going, but yeah, friends don’t fix everything.
My family tries to understand, but they definitely don’t get it. They don’t know how to handle my panic attacks, my breakdowns, my OCD, etc. So, they try the only way they know how, and it just ends up making me feel worse. I’ve been an inpatient for the suicidal thoughts, but that wasn’t much help at all. I see a therapist, and a psychiatrist, but still. I feel like I need to stay in constant connection with people, or I’m going to lose my mind and do something I desperately DON’T want to do.
What makes it all worse? I have psychotic tendencies, so when it gets really bad, voices encourage me. It’s like walking through hell.
And, I just realized I’m a lesbian. Which brings more guilt then anything else.
All of this just feeds the depression. I don’t know how to handle it.
April 11, 2014 at 3:47 am #19144YouthspaceModerator
I can hear you are really struggling to know where to turn, or how to deal with all these depressed, anxious thoughts. You say you don’t know how to handle it all, and I’m inspired to see you here talking about it, looking for ways to cope. Seems like it’s really important to you to stay connected and talking to people in order to remain grounded in life.
It sounds like the voices are encouraging your thoughts of suicide, and I can only imagine the determination it takes to keep walking when life feels like hell. Can you tell me what has worked for you in the past to quiet these thoughts?
On top of it all the realization that you are a lesbian has really rocked your world, causing you even more grief. Are you able to talk about your orientation with anyone around you? I hope that you know you deserve to be loved and accepted for who you are.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. Your words convey just how deep you have sunk into this mess of overwhelming thoughts and frustrations that sometimes feel hopeless. I’m glad to hear that you have supportive friends, and I hope you will find strength and encouragement here at Youthspace.ca also.
Here for you,
The Support Team
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