February 9, 2016 at 8:02 pm #22655Nc86Participant
Every day I wake up, I wish I was dead. I have digestive problems that are so severe that living life is all but impossible, and they aren’t my only health problem. I make it no secret to those around me that I fucking hate my life and I wish that I was dead. I am so sick that there is no psychward that would take me, there is no safe place I can go to give myself a break and be cared for. If I went to a hospital they wouldn’t be able to meet my needs and I would only end up getting sicker and suffering even more than the hell I am going through every day right now.
I wish I would *die. My physical illnesses do not even give me option of dying in a timely manner, the suffering is long, drawn out and miserable. I know I will one day I will eventually end up *killing myself. I have become a miserable and bitter person, resenting everyone around me. I hate whenever I am asked “how are you?” in a passing conversation. To have to lie and say “I’m fine” when I am anything but fucking fine.
*edited by Youthspace to remove triggering content/identifying information.
February 10, 2016 at 8:17 pm #22662YouthspaceModerator
Hello Nc86 and welcome to the Youthspace Forum,
Having to cope with such debilitating health concerns sounds like an incredible burden for you to have to bear. It seems like you’ve begun to lose hope that things can improve for you. I get the sense that coping with your physical illnesses can be overwhelming and leaves you feeling depressed and angry and with suicide on your mind. I can hear how desperate you are to find a way for your life to be less painful.
I’d guess that feeling so ill all the time would become very isolating. Particularly as the “healthy” people around you might struggle to understand what you’re going through. I get how hard it would be not to resent the people around you, when they don’t seem to be suffering the way you do. When we are in need of so much energy and care for ourselves, it can be very challenging to be generous and loving to others. I can only imagine how much strength and courage it takes for you to go through the day. What things in your life are helping you to keep going?
I hear you when you say you need somewhere/someone to help shoulder the burden for you. No one should have to deal with illness without support. I know this doesn’t even close to the care you need, but please know we are always here for you if you want to talk. If you need more immediate support, please feel free to chat in ( or text us) – we’re open 6pm-midnight PST every night.
You’re not alone in this. Keep in touch, we want to hear from you.
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