It’s been awhile since I’ve been on here. My parents took away my internet access for a few weeks. I’m still alive. Things are pretty much how they’ve always been. I guess the only thing that’s changed is I got up the guts to Self-Injure** today. Honestly, I finally understand the appeal. ** I barely Self-Injure** at all,** but there are still scars there. I can’t stop looking at them,** because they remind me of how much I’ve been able to get through. It’s like a physical manifestation of the hell that is my life.
As for suicidal thoughts, well, those are still there and they’re still pretty constant. I still haven’t gone and told my parents again that I’m still suicidal. I guess there’s this part of me that is hoping they’ll see my wrist and finally realize that something is really wrong. But if they don’t then I guess I’ll know once and for all how little they actually care. they’re pretty small and light, so I’ll just wear a long sleeve jacket for the next few days and call it good.
I’m still too scared to actually take steps towards suicide, although I guess you could say self-injury** is a pretty big step towards it. I don’t really know. It doesn’t feel like it, but maybe I’m beyond the point where I can think rationally enough to be able to tell.

Still breathing,
Bri123

**edited by the Support Team to remove triggering content

I really can’t remember a time like that. I honestly can’t. I know I’ve had some but none come to mind anymore. Feeling different looks like people caring. Transferring schools was a good thing I guess. I have a few sort of friends for the first time in years. My parents seem to care even less. I’m in my bedroom listening to my mom talk shit on me again.
I don’t even know. I’m so exhausted from hurting all of the time. I just don’t see anything that’s worth it anymore. I’ll more than likely kill myself before I’m twenty so I don’t get why I try at all in anything. None of it will matter in the end.

Bri

Why do you care? How can you care when people who I’ve known my entire life can’t seem to care.
There’s nothing left. I feel so alone.
I can’t even cry anymore. I’m just numb now. Empty.
I wish someone cared. It’s pathetic how desperate for affection I am. Doesn’t matter what I do no one cares about the fat suicidal girl in the corner.
I don’t care anymore either. I don’t care enough to kill myself but I don’t care enough to live anymore either. I’m just done.

I don’t think anything keeps me here other than being too scared to do it.
And yes, I have a plan. I’m not crazy though.
I transferred schools this week, so I’m going through massive traditions right now and that’s hard to cope with.

I guess I wish my parents had seemed like they cared at all. It was almost like I told them and nothing changed at all. I don’t know. I didn’t want them to overreact, but caring would have been nice.
Auditions were today, so I’m back to a mostly good place I guess. And I can try and chat when things get bad. My parents have started taking away my laptop because they think it’s making me more suicidal, so I can only go there I’d I have it when I feel the urge. Fingers crossed, I guess.
Bri

Well I didn’t make it into the show, so there goes that. Woo…
There’s another audition coming up, and they want me to help out with that show.
I’m just alone till then. Two more weeks.

Things are a little better now.
I’m back to a routine, and that always helps. No suicidal thoughts for a whopping three days, so I’d say that’s good. I’ve been pretty productive too.
I’m just sort of worried that this is just an upswing, and that I’m going to crash soon.
I really hope not.
I’ll probably keep posting on here, regardless of whether you care of not, just because it’s an outlet for me know, haha.

And just by the way, you can call me Bri. Bri123 is just a username. I’m Bri.

Anyway.

Thanks for the response.

I don’t think I’m going to kill myself yet, if that’s what you’e asking. I don’t have the guts to do it, because I’m too scared that it’ll hurt.
As for strategies that help, not really anything specific. I avoid places where there are dangerous things, and I avoid places that remind me of where I have it planned if I ever go through with it. None of that “read a book, write in your journal, or watch TV,” stuff really works for me. I can still think. So I usually just try and get on here or somewhere similar. I don’t know. It’s pretty stupid, but I haven’t killed myself yet, so I must be doing something right.
As for chat well, and this may or may not get me kicked off of the site, you guys don’t accept people from the US, so that doesn’t work so much. I either go to crisischat or the trevor project if I really need to talk.
I’m not doing as bad as I was when I wrote that. That was a really bad day for me, and everything was just piling up. Today’s a bit better. It’s still awful and miserable, but that’s just how life is, so… yeah.