I’m happy you found us to unload some of your thoughts and feelings, and hope that it brought at least an infinitesimal amount of relief to the pain you’re feeling before you went to sleep.
Sounds like you’re really struggling between your wrenching inner world, where all you feel is this pain and this desire to hurt yourself or die, and the smothering outer world that wants so much to help. I get the sense that you understand their desire to help, and wish that you wanted their help.. but at the very core of it all you want is to be free to feel this pain and be left alone.
I can really feel the guilt your experiencing.. that you want to keep the promise to your mother that you meant in that moment, but that right now it feels impossible. You said you were scared.. I was wondering, do you mean you’re scared of what will happen if you reach out and are honest about your thoughts of suicide? Or scared about what might happen if you don’t?
I can hear that you’re really feeling ambivalent towards life right now.. and I imagine the worry of what’ll happen when you return to school is making the future seem even more frightening. You’ve said you want to kill yourself, and I’m really worried about you.. I’m wondering if you have a plan for how you’d take your life? I’m also curious what’s been helping you hold onto life?
Thank you for connecting.. and if you want you can always connect with our live chat to get in the moment support. It’s open 6-11 PM every night.
The Support Team