I was struggling a lot the other night with my emotions and I was alone that night so I think that is what tempted me to vent. I’m proud to say I didn’t end up doing anything I’d regret. I have been SI free for about a year and I’m so glad I didn’t break that. Although everyday seems just as difficult as the nest and the thought of SI is constatnly on my mind I hope I have the strength to continue in my recovery.
As for your question….no one in my life knows exactly how hard it’s been for me. I don’t feel as though I have anyone I can turn to and really let them in and see how much I’m hurting and struggling. I’ve told close friends when I’m feeling down, but I just don’t feel like they understand exactly what I’m talking about.
My boyfriend of 7 years and the father of my six year old does not even know how bad it is for me lately, or ever really. He gets mad at me when i am very depressed. I’m not too sure why. Though I have had people actually tell me that since I am not a starving and abondoned child in africa I have nothing to be sad about. And I wish it were that simple, you know just wake up and smile and feel happy and go on not feeling like I do everyday….. but it’s not that easy. I just can’t continue feeling the way I do. It takes way to much out of me…and it’s not fair to my daughter that I fight everyday and have to convince myself to get out of bed everyday. I want to be better… I just don’t believe it’s possible…. 3