I can imagine carrying around feelings of being judged and being an outsider when you just want to belong can be so overwhelming. To move from a place where you feel at home and have a network of supports from friends and family and then move to a place where you fear doing something “wrong” and being more of an outsider can eat away at you, bringing on more feelings of isolation and loneliness. It seems like you have made some friends but being here does not feel like home yet. Like you could lose them at any time, similar to how you lost your previous friends.
It seems that similar to KryptonicIris, you are feeling a lot of pain and depression. I wonder, other than release anguish through crying, what you do in those moments when the pain gets high to help ease it a bit? (You are also welcome to come chat with us any evening, we are open 6 pm till 12am PST).