It seems like you’re feeling completely confined by the way that people see you, and the way that you have to act to be who they expect. The pressure from that expectation sounds intolerable, and I get the sense that as you keep fighting to live despite it, you’re feeling very worn down. It sounds like there’s one part of you that can’t stand the thought of letting people see behind the mask you wear- for fear of letting them down? — while another part wishes to throw off the shackles, and bare your truth to the world and just not care what anyone sees there.
Your poems, this one included, contain a lot of hints at things being hidden, or obscured, and I can hear how some of those themes are painfully present with you every day, so that you end up feeling a vast chasm between your emotional self and the things that are going on around you. It sounds like being seen and being invisible, all at the same time.
This most recent poem seems to say a lot about the push and pull of pain and salvation, of light and dark, with poor truth crawling through the cracks. I can hear how hard it is to find that thread of truth, especially when you’re exhausted from searching.
I’m glad that you find this to be a place where you can explore ideas and share your writing.
-The Support Team