I feel utterly royally fucking idiotic move I did. I… let everything out to M, I had a burden hanging over my head like a ticking bomb ready to go off. That time came and I’m not sure if that bomb went off yet. (sitting here with a *tool an envelope of an unknown amount of check money for me awaiting opening and waiting for my mood pills to kick in to make me pass out and sleep) I can’t believe myself, all three of those things in the brackets I want and will do but I need to type this.
“M, the first week seeing you I met two other guys and we never had sex and I feel horrible, the one we fooled around the second I left his place not knowing where I was.” Is basically what I told M. He wasn’t mad, it was more of a shock to him and yet I don’t know how or what he is feeling or thinking. I told him a secret, of my sex addiction and that (go away tears!) I did those things because I needed to punish myself of what my father did to me, he was punishing me and having sex he was there, that was my punishment and I deserved it. I told him that my father haunted me, talked to me, and I saw him even when he is 11 hours from me. I went on and explained that time, he haunted me and I deserved it. My first thought was when I went to M’s was he would take advantage of me, but he never did, nothing like most guys would do. I felt safe and protected with a total stranger hardly knew anything about only meeting him for about 10 minutes. I explained to M that I was shocked he didn’t take advantage of me- he said- “I’m not a fucking asshole,” I agreed with him. He asked me because he didn’t understand that what my father did to me I still talk to them and saw them at the end of October. I… explained to M that last time I talked to my parents was March and my cousin sent me a message telling me about Grandma is really ill, I had no other choice I was forced to call, I had to see my Grandma because I know I wouldn’t have a chance any other time. (Fuck off tears!) I explained I’ve tried to not talk to my parents but people forced it on me and I had to and I didn’t want to. When I was 16 10 months old in March I left and moved into a Group Home. I never gave them my parents name, address, phone number nothing and I refused to look and speak to no one there about anything. Then, I tried to kill myself and I ran away. I was corned by them and threatened if I didn’t tell them my parents information I would be punished (grounded- no phone calls, can’t go out, etc.) on top of that I had to tell everyone there why I ran away, they forced me to tell the others I wanted to kill myself which I was grounded for running away. (Stop tears!) They pressured me to call my parents, it got to the point where I just called them for them to leave me alone. Then they forced me to visit my parents on the weekend and if I refused I got grounded (I had to explain why I didn’t want to see them to my counselor and she told the Group Home then I didn’t have to see them). I went down last Christmas, then March to see them. I hardly talked or called them at all. Then, I moved in with my cousin and she bugged me to call them, I did. Then… I had to call, because my Grandma is very ill. (snot rolling down my lips) after finding out about her, I stopped calling, then my cousin C sent me a message on Facebook, it took me a few days to call, “Grandma has brain and lung cancer stage 1.” A month goes by without calling them, “Grandma is going downhill, she has stage 4 cancer and 4 tumors.” I had to call again. I forced myself down there to see her. (blew snot out of my nose) A few days ago, I called to check in and see how she is doing, basically a vegetable in a hospital bed. I called the other morning and left a message, they haven’t returned my call. I then told M, so I tried but I was punished and then I was forced and then my Grandma… I had no other choice. I hardly talk to them or call them.
I sat there at the side of his bed… I got up put my coat on and stopped and looked at him, “I don’t know what else to say… your not talking. I guess I’ll talk to you later?” and left crying after I walked out the front door. (painful tears stinging eyes and a massive quiver lip exposed tears splashing on my PJ bottoms)
(Gasping for air and some way out of this mess)
It kills. I don’t even care about my Grandma or my health… I’m more fixated on fucking M and I!
*Edited by the Support Team for triggering content.