December 3, 2012 at 2:31 pm #16376
I feel that song, “The Girl With Golden Eyes By Sixx:A.M.” sure it’s about how quickly you can get addicted to heroin but as painful it is to be addicted to something like that, it’s similar to ‘love’ it fucking hurts and I can’t just not feel that I need it. I feel needy almost like the heroin you just need it to keep going, to be strong and if you don’t have it your mind go insane. I can’t stop thinking about it, I really can’t and it’s fucking killing me to death. I have a lot going on and yet it’s bothering me the most. I feel weak and useless, like a piece of shit thrown out the window into a hole. Can love hurt so fucking much? I don’t understand I really don’t. That moment when I walked into that bar I wanted to scream in emotions I know where those emotions came from, I know, I just know he felt the same way. Can love be to complicated like it is now?
I don’t know what to do. Maybe I am ‘in love’ or I’m just lusting over it all, how do you know? Everyone feels it differently and yet it’s killing me.
Out of all the shit gone on it has caused me to be determined in my death, thinking about suicide and yet I don’t have a plan, nothing. It’s complicated, complicated to the point I want to break. I feel trapped a little and lost.
I’m tired of the comments I hear from M from others who say them. M is the one who is being attacked by the comments, I’m not. It’s pissing both him and me off. It seemed everyone was okay with M and I together, but they’re not so they make comments that are making M feel like he’s breaking the law which he isn’t. It’s been going on for over a month now, “Where’s your daughter?” “Where’s your girlfriend?” “Where’s your FiancÃ©e?” At first yes he thought it was funny now it’s gone over and it lasted a long time. M re-thinked his friends because of it.
I somehow feel M and I are going to go our separate ways because of this. Just because they can’t accept the fact he is seeing someone younger than he is and that these people are immature. Meanwhile they’re calling me immature and that I don’t know what I am doing- I never met them nor talked to them. Such poor judgements passed.
One of the hardest things I need to do is separate from ‘feeling of love’ and ‘fun’ which I have just it’s hard. I know I care about M deeply, again I care about many people but M is different. I need to break away and separate my feelings and what him and I are doing to prepare myself if we do go our separate ways. It’s hard. I don’t want to go our separate ways, I know we will remain really good friends just… these people… why? Why do they need to cause shit?
I care about M so much, I want to talk to him about his drinking. He asked me, “Do you think I have a drinking problem?” I know why he asked me, because he knows I would tell the truth. I’m not a judgemental person and I say, “Well, I don’t know. It’s your life and you can do what you want, if you feel you have a drinking problem then talk to someone.” I’m going to talk to him about it. He’s not violent or anything, he acts the same, I’m just worried about what it’s doing to his body.
All the other shit happening in my life isn’t bothering me and it should. I feel like giving up and just hide from everything and I can’t. I guess for me to suck it up and things will get better. I’m not even remotely close to feeling sad or down about my grandmother basically a vegetable dying 11 hours away and I’m not there. I saw her 6 weeks ago and now, she’s on that time where the doctors wont do anything for her. My parents took a month off work to be beside her 24/7 waiting, waiting for her to die. I want her to die, I’m not there but, from what I’ve been told she should die so she isn’t in pain. My uncle has been beside the bed for 2 months now hardly gotten sleep or ate. Yet, I have no emotions other this. When I saw her, I barely cried everyone around me, my family all cried and me I stood there like it never bothered me one bit.
I’m sick and it sucks. I haven’t ate much in a week, 5 days I never ate a thing, just barely anything. My stomach is messed up. I’m bleeding internally and no one is doing much about it. I’m in pain and I refuse to eat. My doctor told me to stop the iron pills and see if my stool is black… well, since I stopped the iron pills I’m more tired than ever and my stool is weird and still dark almost like a black colour. When the pain starts I’m just messed up, dizzy, weak, sick, its torture; half the time I can’t be at work.
My cousin is still bothering me and I moved out. “When are you coming for your things? Please arrange a time with me. ie don’t just show up…several reasons” is what she sent me. Honestly, I’ve sent her messages telling her when I can stop by, time she responds it’s past the time I’m able to show up and I message her a few hours beforehand. She won’t leave me alone.
None of these things; being sick, cousin and my dying grandma isn’t what I’m fixated on, it’s the comments and my relationship that is bothering me the most and I don’t understand why.
December 5, 2012 at 5:14 pm #18523
I feel utterly royally fucking idiotic move I did. I… let everything out to M, I had a burden hanging over my head like a ticking bomb ready to go off. That time came and I’m not sure if that bomb went off yet. (sitting here with a *tool an envelope of an unknown amount of check money for me awaiting opening and waiting for my mood pills to kick in to make me pass out and sleep) I can’t believe myself, all three of those things in the brackets I want and will do but I need to type this.
“M, the first week seeing you I met two other guys and we never had sex and I feel horrible, the one we fooled around the second I left his place not knowing where I was.” Is basically what I told M. He wasn’t mad, it was more of a shock to him and yet I don’t know how or what he is feeling or thinking. I told him a secret, of my sex addiction and that (go away tears!) I did those things because I needed to punish myself of what my father did to me, he was punishing me and having sex he was there, that was my punishment and I deserved it. I told him that my father haunted me, talked to me, and I saw him even when he is 11 hours from me. I went on and explained that time, he haunted me and I deserved it. My first thought was when I went to M’s was he would take advantage of me, but he never did, nothing like most guys would do. I felt safe and protected with a total stranger hardly knew anything about only meeting him for about 10 minutes. I explained to M that I was shocked he didn’t take advantage of me- he said- “I’m not a fucking asshole,” I agreed with him. He asked me because he didn’t understand that what my father did to me I still talk to them and saw them at the end of October. I… explained to M that last time I talked to my parents was March and my cousin sent me a message telling me about Grandma is really ill, I had no other choice I was forced to call, I had to see my Grandma because I know I wouldn’t have a chance any other time. (Fuck off tears!) I explained I’ve tried to not talk to my parents but people forced it on me and I had to and I didn’t want to. When I was 16 10 months old in March I left and moved into a Group Home. I never gave them my parents name, address, phone number nothing and I refused to look and speak to no one there about anything. Then, I tried to kill myself and I ran away. I was corned by them and threatened if I didn’t tell them my parents information I would be punished (grounded- no phone calls, can’t go out, etc.) on top of that I had to tell everyone there why I ran away, they forced me to tell the others I wanted to kill myself which I was grounded for running away. (Stop tears!) They pressured me to call my parents, it got to the point where I just called them for them to leave me alone. Then they forced me to visit my parents on the weekend and if I refused I got grounded (I had to explain why I didn’t want to see them to my counselor and she told the Group Home then I didn’t have to see them). I went down last Christmas, then March to see them. I hardly talked or called them at all. Then, I moved in with my cousin and she bugged me to call them, I did. Then… I had to call, because my Grandma is very ill. (snot rolling down my lips) after finding out about her, I stopped calling, then my cousin C sent me a message on Facebook, it took me a few days to call, “Grandma has brain and lung cancer stage 1.” A month goes by without calling them, “Grandma is going downhill, she has stage 4 cancer and 4 tumors.” I had to call again. I forced myself down there to see her. (blew snot out of my nose) A few days ago, I called to check in and see how she is doing, basically a vegetable in a hospital bed. I called the other morning and left a message, they haven’t returned my call. I then told M, so I tried but I was punished and then I was forced and then my Grandma… I had no other choice. I hardly talk to them or call them.
I sat there at the side of his bed… I got up put my coat on and stopped and looked at him, “I don’t know what else to say… your not talking. I guess I’ll talk to you later?” and left crying after I walked out the front door. (painful tears stinging eyes and a massive quiver lip exposed tears splashing on my PJ bottoms)
(Gasping for air and some way out of this mess)
It kills. I don’t even care about my Grandma or my health… I’m more fixated on fucking M and I!
*Edited by the Support Team for triggering content.
December 7, 2012 at 12:21 am #18524
It’s over now.
December 7, 2012 at 4:22 am #18526YouthspaceModerator
I can hear that you’ve got a lot going on in your life right now, and I’m thinking that it’s sometimes hard to see straight when your vision is so obscured by traumatic events and confusing emotions
You spoke passionately about your relationship with M, and I’m thinking that things with him are different than with men from your past. It sounds like you are contemplating the differences between lust and love, and trying to understand or label your feelings towards him.
I get the sense that all these questions about your relationship with M are consuming you, and that it’s leaving you feeling some judgment towards yourself…, that your Grandma’s health and your own health have taken a backseat in your mind.
When you say it’s all over now….are you referring to your relationship with M?
I also hear you say you are determined in your death — I’m thinking that suicide is occupying some space in your mind…can you tell me more about that? I’m worried about you DashingDaisy…sounds like there’s a lot of pressure pushing down on you right now.
I’m thinking that you might be feeling powerless in the wake of everything in your life that you cannot control. Like a lone dandelion, blowing in the wind…knowing that you will soon lose your petals to the wind. How are you taking care of yourself right now DashingDaisy?
Sending strength your way,
the Support Team
December 8, 2012 at 6:31 pm #18531
* ** of power and ** of defeat.*
There is no more M and I.
I fucked up. It’s simple as that.
For the past month I hardly ate much. I slept 30 hours and never ate then. Last time I ate was Wednesday night and food doesn’t seem to be on my mind, I’m not hungry. I’m not eating and my stomach isn’t bothering me. I’ve lost weight I was able to fit into a pair of pants that never fit before. I went down 4 pants size in 2 months. My thighs are way slimier than before.
I’m looking for a second job, after my other job when I get off at 7am I can go to my other job at 8am and be there till 3pm and go home and sleep, just need to find one. I need the extra money anyways
**edited by Support Team for explicit content
December 9, 2012 at 2:23 pm #18533
I sit here with painful tears sliding down my face.
My co-worker sent me a text message last night needing my help. I went in and started at 1am. Near the end, my one co-worker looked at me lost not knowing what to do with a customer. I step in, little did I know, the customer is now in my bed sleeping.
I called 2-1-1 then the local police station asking them to help him, to take him to a shelter. He was intoxicated which I didn’t know, the police knew. I sat with him while he drank some hot coffee and we talked about what happened. I was done and I couldn’t leave him there without telling him encouraging thoughts. My co-worker who asked me to come in, gave him 10 dollars. The police let him go because I convinced them I would help him and he didn’t cause any issues. I walked him to the bus stop. I called the ID number and next bus was coming in over an hour. I couldn’t let him wait, shiver like a mad person. I told him he could either wait here in the cold or come with me and I can make him tea and soup. He did. He lost his phone and that was his only way to call others. I let him use my laptop and I contacted some people and he did as well. At this point haven’t heard back from any of them. He lost his job 2 weeks ago, he got laid off and he just needs help getting back on his feet.
He’s in my bed sleeping…
M and I started to talk online. I started to cry. He said we can hang out still but he needs a break. He wasn’t mad at me, just… I don’t know… upset. I told me about the guy, left out he’s sleeping in my bed… I’ll be washing the sheets before I sleep in them.
I guess, things at this point… are healing?
M knows what kind of person I am, that I’ll do anything for. Fuck it was -11 out and it never bothered me, I was more concerned about helping this person than anything. Being tired never bothered me. My voice stayed with me till I knew he was safe and warm with me, and then it gave out. I am sick with a sore throat and I can’t barely talk and I’m seeing a walk in doctor today. What I did is the person I am. He told me, “your like Mother Theresa that came down and helped me out of passion and kindness…” I felt touched.
December 9, 2012 at 8:25 pm #18534
I dropped off M Birthday gift at his bar. He pulls out the rabbit and looks at it, “and you probably want me to name the rabbit?” I told told him if he wanted to. He read my card + it sang to him. He likes to send others text messages about his experiences on the toilet so I found and printed some “shit” jokes for him to read. “Some more reading material for the bathroom and I can text these to people while I’m taking a shit.” Talk about funny. So he puts back the stuff and said he will have to find a home on his bed to put the rabbit. It made me feel warm inside.
I walked out of his bar, with almost tears of happiness. Sounds so korny!
He’s like “we can hang out tomorrow and do something.” I said okay. I also said I was very sorry and felt horrible. He told me he doesn’t want to talk about it here (at the bar) so it’s bound to come up tomorrow when we hang out.
I’m glad he is doing okay. I care about him a lot.
I have si’d** and I want the marks** to disappear. I don’t want M to think I si’d** over him, which wasn’t the case. I’ll deal with it when it comes about.
**edited by the Support Team for triggering content.
December 11, 2012 at 2:34 am #18538YouthspaceModerator
From your posts, you really show how much you care about others, and especially those who are going through a rough time. Helping that man was scary to me and I worried for your safety while I read your post – for his sake, I’m glad he crossed your generous path… such a huge
I can hear how complex, but also how simple, your feelings are for M. It’s ‘tomorrow’, and Im wondering if you and M got together? You mentioned that you SId and were having some regrets coz he might misinterpret your actions… that’s a tough spot to be in. What caused you to SI in the first place? I hope you’re taking care of yourself as best you can DashingDaisy
the Support Team
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