Well today was going okay….until my ex walked past one of my classes, and I looked down to realize I was wearing the hoodie that I’d leant to her one night she was cold. Looking back I think that’s the night I fell in love with her. It was right after a youth group night she’d invited me to, and even though I’m not religious I went because it meant more time with her. So us and another couple left early to wander around, and we winded up at the playground across the street. The couples split apart, and while we were sitting she was shivering so I gave her my hoodie. Then we got up and walked towards the other couple holding hands for the first time ever. It just felt so right, and even now my heart is skipping thinking about it.
I also realized that I will never love anyone again. She is all I can think about, and I think I’m just going to wind up alone, and that’s fine because I’d rather that happen then end up having a family with anyone else. So I’m okay living alone and even though my parents will hate it, that doesn’t matter. I’m sure other people will try to convince me that there are “many fish in the sea” but what’s the point of searching if the one I love is hiding away from me.
One of the places I go to work everything out is the gym, but I’m not sure ill keep going there. It’s also one of the few places I actually see my friends outside of school, but the reason I went to the gym was to get bigger for girls to like me. I’m pretty lanky so I figured it couldn’t hurt. But what’s the point now if I don’t want to impress any girls? My ex hates my guts, so there’s no one else I need to get big for. This might hurt my chances of staying alive because I see my “friends” there. But they’re usually mean to me anyways, and I even wonder if they’re actually friends.
Just thought I’d check in again. Hopefully I get a reply on this stuff soon