November 22, 2013 at 3:09 am #16442
I know technically I’m not fat. I’m not even overweight. I’m probably just right, in fact. I know that technically. Doesn’t stop me from thinking it.
I don’t blame media. I don’t hate pretty girls. When I look at photos of models, I don’t think “they’re so plastic, and fake, and they probably don’t eat ever.” I just like looking at their long lines. And their bones. I love bones. One of my habits is rubbing my wrists and collarbones. I think they’re so beautiful.
But even though I’m somewhat thin, I’m not that thin, and even though I’m probably a good weight, I doesn’t stop me from wanting to be that thin.
I don’t throw up. I don’t just not eat – I mean, I go through phases of eating as little as possible. But I’m pretty sure I don’t have an eating disorder. But goddamn. Sometimes I just stare at myself in the mirror so I can critique my flabby stomach and generous ass.
The first time I ever got naked with my boyfriend I cried, even though we were in the dark and couldn’t see a goddamned thing. I know he thinks I’m beautiful. He tells me. And I know I’m not ugly. But it doesn’t stop me from criticizing myself. And it doesn’t stop me from wanting those bones.
November 25, 2013 at 5:11 am #18975
It sounds like your thoughts are at war with each other — one side sees reality, knows that you’re not overweight and that nothing, technically, is wrong with your body. The other side can’t help but yearn to be thinner, to be perfect, to have those long lines just like the models. I imagine it’s extremely jarring to exist between both sides of this war in your mind.
It seems like no matter what your brain acknowledges to be the truth, there’s that part of you that stares into the mirror and just hates what you see. It’s tough, because no matter how strongly you logically “know” your thoughts are right, those negative feelings take control. I would guess it’s feelings of self-loathing and disgust with your body that are at the forefront when you choose to restrict your intake of food.
It must have been so painful to bare yourself to your boyfriend, and not feel like the beautiful person you know he sees. I imagine it’s immensely lonely to crave the body you wish you had and not have him, or anyone else, understand why.
The Support Team
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