I almost cried again today at work. I was feeling slightly better until today where I was in a hurry and absentmindedly put on my sandals to go to work, which was in violation of the dress code. I got to work and one of the other employees saw and told my manager about my sandles and my manager lectured me about dress code. Now, that shouldn’t have really bothered me like it did but I’m a rather sensitive, people-pleasing person and I get really upset when I feel people are disappointed in me or I’ve made a mistake, no matter how little. I also feel a little betrayed and disrespected because of the employee that told on me, I mean, I know I shouldn’t have been wearing sandals but I wished they would have at least came and talked to me about it first before going straight to my manager. Anyway, I had to get my Dad to bring my sneakers, and while I was waiting for him, I felt like I could cry. On another note, I’m just frustrated I suppose, I feel like their not training me well, and most people there seem a little arrogant and condescending. Having said that, I do really love some other aspects of my job, some of the older ladies I work with are sweet and reassuring, I love helping customers and organizing the shelves.
Even just talking and expressing my experiences help me a lot in dealing with some of my anxiety, there’s a lot of after-the-fact things I do to help but I can’t seem to get a hold of my anxiety and emotions while in the moment. I try to take deep breaths but that just seems to worsen my urge to cry or freak out.

I don’t hate the world, I just don’t understand it. Me not understanding the society in which I live in, is the most detrimental thing for me. People are just mean to each other, that’s something that I’m glad I’ll never understand. People say that there needs to be evil in this world, or else all balance will be lost, but I don’t want to believe that. I don’t want to believe that evil is necessary. I want to believe that evil isn’t necessarily evil, but that people just need help.

I spend a lot of time alone, especially in nature, I don’t enjoy most people’s company, I don’t like going to parties or get-togethers. The reason being 1 part my personality, and 2 parts my lack of trust and unwillingness to be extroverted. I’m not unhappy being alone, in fact, I’d prefer it, but lately people have been pressuring me to have fun, or at least what they consider is fun. People tell me to socialize, dance, drink, and in a way I agree that I should be more relaxed but I don’t know how. I always tell people that I don’t do fun. It’s not so much that I don’t know where to belong, more so that I don’t know how to belong.