I just want to talk…

Why am I here? Why did I come here? There is nothing here for me.

Alone.

Defeated.

I don’t know why I am here in the first place. I don’t know why I left and came here. It’s been a total of 9 months since I came here. I left because I had nothing; I now came to nothing, no purpose of me being here. A part of me ran from the uncertainty just to make sense of things and start anew. Now, I have nothing where I live and there is nothing here for me. I am 800km from where I was and 800km of uncertainty that I brought myself to.

My only family member who I had accepted a job position for and lived with kicked me out December 1st and she doesn’t even ask how I have been. I have offered to go out for lunch or dinner, she responded but hasn’t put any more into just sitting to have a nice meal. I came to nothing, no one and I thought I was coming to something that would turn my life around, it only left me with nothing, being alone.

By day I am alone by night I work and have some sort of life, I come home to nothing no one, no one to talk to or hang with. I text my friend who is 800km away and try to text others, like co-workers just so I have someone to talk to, so I don’t feel alone in my room.

I lost someone, a close friend who we connected very well and I’m moving on, nothing will change the fact of our friendship with one another when both our lives and personal struggles have clearly interfered our close bond of friendship.

I am used to others walking away from me or I had to walk away, I always get over it and move on because if nothing will change now, it wont later when the trying got giving up. Having others walk out of your life or you walking out their life, has happened to me too many times.

It has been a while since I wrote, being “locked up,” still is still affecting me. I made an appointment with the therapist I see, my last appointment I called and cancelled because things had happened and me refusing what he wanted me to do. I cancelled that appointment a month ago and last I saw him was about 6-7 weeks ago. I am still locked up inside.

I don’t want to do what he wants me to do; I just can’t go through with it again. I’ll end up doing something stupid and irrational to myself. I already told someone I can’t just hide from it but I don’t want to do what he wants me to do either.

I have something and that something, is lacking something, and that lacking of something, will more likely in the long run make me ‘out of control’ and I am feeling that ‘out of control’ feeling, I don’t want people to know… it’s not like it was a choice I made it was made ‘out of control’ like I didn’t realize until weeks after what I was doing and now ‘out of control’ has been ‘out of control.’ I am trying my best to hide this something, I’ve already lost that something in many ways and what I lost is showing.

I beg of you, please delete the #…# again.

I sent M a message: “I… hurt… myself… 7… times… I’m so weak… such a baby… I am! I don’t fucking care about it *** I shall go an retrieve into my shallow shell, such a weak move…”

M replied back: ^removed by Support Team^

I replied back: “It’s not about u M. I have no one here. … this is a side of me, I didn’t want u to ever find out, M. I’m taking this way to fucking… far? Or something… I have depression, end of story, I’m screwed up inside from my parents and I fight it everyday to not let it control me! Doesn’t matter either but, it haunts me, what they didn’t do and did/said to me on a daily basis. I’m here in (City) hoping to start fresh, hit hard when C kicked me out, then my grandma died, which screwed me up. Shouldn’t of went down there… shit happened and I refuse to talk about it.”

Things happened, last March when I went down there, and when I also went down there in October to see my Grandma and then last month, shit happened, stuff was said, things were done, and memories haunted me. I have not told 1 signal human being what happened when I went down there what really happened.

######*######

October: M drove me down to see them. I can’t even begin what happened. I never cried. Everyone cried. I hated being there and wanted to go back home. It felt not home, unsafe, being used, felt like a ticking bomb.

######*######

From all the shit gone on, I had a sex addiction, M saved me from it- he on the other hand doesn’t know about it. I’ve been addicted to over the counter drugs for a short time. I OD last year barely making it, what the doctor told me. I punished myself daily of what my father did to me. M has helped me, he’s the only person I trust and he is human to me, doesn’t use me, he’s gentle, nice, funny, etc., and I fucked up and lost him. I have no one. I sent a text to my co-worker who I’ve bonded with at work, she tells me stuff and I tell her stuff, it never leaves the kitchen. I told her I ^^harmed^^ myself and M doesn’t want to do anything with me. She told me, to give him space and time to think.

Complete… fuck up!

Other things happened but don’t want to go into it. I should leave the past in the past, I need to learn this!

*I need to not remember*

I am fine. ^^^ No- Pain. Just. Alone. Now. Need. To. Think. Of. What. To… Do… Next… With… With… This. Exhaustion. Dead. Inside. End. Of. Story.

*Numb and numb to the bone. I need a few cigarettes*

*This agony wont leave me the fuck alone. Please I beg of you STOP!*

(I’m not wanting to die, I messed up.)

^conversation details removed due to potentially triggering and identifying information

^^changed due to triggering content

^^^removed due to triggering content

#*# removed by Support Team as requested

I dropped off M Birthday gift at his bar. He pulls out the rabbit and looks at it, “and you probably want me to name the rabbit?” I told told him if he wanted to. He read my card + it sang to him. He likes to send others text messages about his experiences on the toilet so I found and printed some “shit” jokes for him to read. “Some more reading material for the bathroom and I can text these to people while I’m taking a shit.” Talk about funny. So he puts back the stuff and said he will have to find a home on his bed to put the rabbit. It made me feel warm inside.

I walked out of his bar, with almost tears of happiness. Sounds so korny!

He’s like “we can hang out tomorrow and do something.” I said okay. I also said I was very sorry and felt horrible. He told me he doesn’t want to talk about it here (at the bar) so it’s bound to come up tomorrow when we hang out.

I’m glad he is doing okay. I care about him a lot.
out.

I have si’d** and I want the marks** to disappear. I don’t want M to think I si’d** over him, which wasn’t the case. I’ll deal with it when it comes about.

**edited by the Support Team for triggering content.

* ** of power and ** of defeat.*

There is no more M and I.

I fucked up. It’s simple as that.

For the past month I hardly ate much. I slept 30 hours and never ate then. Last time I ate was Wednesday night and food doesn’t seem to be on my mind, I’m not hungry. I’m not eating and my stomach isn’t bothering me. I’ve lost weight I was able to fit into a pair of pants that never fit before. I went down 4 pants size in 2 months. My thighs are way slimier than before.

I’m looking for a second job, after my other job when I get off at 7am I can go to my other job at 8am and be there till 3pm and go home and sleep, just need to find one. I need the extra money anyways

**edited by Support Team for explicit content

I feel utterly royally fucking idiotic move I did. I… let everything out to M, I had a burden hanging over my head like a ticking bomb ready to go off. That time came and I’m not sure if that bomb went off yet. (sitting here with a *tool an envelope of an unknown amount of check money for me awaiting opening and waiting for my mood pills to kick in to make me pass out and sleep) I can’t believe myself, all three of those things in the brackets I want and will do but I need to type this.

“M, the first week seeing you I met two other guys and we never had sex and I feel horrible, the one we fooled around the second I left his place not knowing where I was.” Is basically what I told M. He wasn’t mad, it was more of a shock to him and yet I don’t know how or what he is feeling or thinking. I told him a secret, of my sex addiction and that (go away tears!) I did those things because I needed to punish myself of what my father did to me, he was punishing me and having sex he was there, that was my punishment and I deserved it. I told him that my father haunted me, talked to me, and I saw him even when he is 11 hours from me. I went on and explained that time, he haunted me and I deserved it. My first thought was when I went to M’s was he would take advantage of me, but he never did, nothing like most guys would do. I felt safe and protected with a total stranger hardly knew anything about only meeting him for about 10 minutes. I explained to M that I was shocked he didn’t take advantage of me- he said- “I’m not a fucking asshole,” I agreed with him. He asked me because he didn’t understand that what my father did to me I still talk to them and saw them at the end of October. I… explained to M that last time I talked to my parents was March and my cousin sent me a message telling me about Grandma is really ill, I had no other choice I was forced to call, I had to see my Grandma because I know I wouldn’t have a chance any other time. (Fuck off tears!) I explained I’ve tried to not talk to my parents but people forced it on me and I had to and I didn’t want to. When I was 16 10 months old in March I left and moved into a Group Home. I never gave them my parents name, address, phone number nothing and I refused to look and speak to no one there about anything. Then, I tried to kill myself and I ran away. I was corned by them and threatened if I didn’t tell them my parents information I would be punished (grounded- no phone calls, can’t go out, etc.) on top of that I had to tell everyone there why I ran away, they forced me to tell the others I wanted to kill myself which I was grounded for running away. (Stop tears!) They pressured me to call my parents, it got to the point where I just called them for them to leave me alone. Then they forced me to visit my parents on the weekend and if I refused I got grounded (I had to explain why I didn’t want to see them to my counselor and she told the Group Home then I didn’t have to see them). I went down last Christmas, then March to see them. I hardly talked or called them at all. Then, I moved in with my cousin and she bugged me to call them, I did. Then… I had to call, because my Grandma is very ill. (snot rolling down my lips) after finding out about her, I stopped calling, then my cousin C sent me a message on Facebook, it took me a few days to call, “Grandma has brain and lung cancer stage 1.” A month goes by without calling them, “Grandma is going downhill, she has stage 4 cancer and 4 tumors.” I had to call again. I forced myself down there to see her. (blew snot out of my nose) A few days ago, I called to check in and see how she is doing, basically a vegetable in a hospital bed. I called the other morning and left a message, they haven’t returned my call. I then told M, so I tried but I was punished and then I was forced and then my Grandma… I had no other choice. I hardly talk to them or call them.

I sat there at the side of his bed… I got up put my coat on and stopped and looked at him, “I don’t know what else to say… your not talking. I guess I’ll talk to you later?” and left crying after I walked out the front door. (painful tears stinging eyes and a massive quiver lip exposed tears splashing on my PJ bottoms)

(Gasping for air and some way out of this mess)

It kills. I don’t even care about my Grandma or my health… I’m more fixated on fucking M and I!

*Edited by the Support Team for triggering content.

***Vomit seems painful***

***Thoughts of…***

Things aren’t going well for me *can someone pass me a drink?* which in fact has gotten me, well I feel… unhealthy. It’s gotten really hard to deal with things. I thought it would get better, it’s not. I can’t mask my feelings in this what would that do for me?

Answer: Nothing.

I found out last week October 27th that Grandma isn’t doing well. I found out more the next day before a shift at work. I felt down and worried I thought work would help me ease my thoughts and make me busy. One day of the week I work in the front on cash. My co-worker which I work with isn’t a bad person but she just, doesn’t let me do the cash and she never punches the order in, what the costumer wants in their drink then she tells me, while I’m working on 2 or more drinks. When I’m at the cash she talks over me with her hand on my shoulders or pushes me aside. I had enough of this I went to the manager. She does this to everyone even to the managers, even to the two main bosses. So Sunday 28th was hard for me.

I got off work at 11pm and went to M’s and I didn’t say much of what was going on. I called my cousin and he gave me my brother’s number, found out Grandma had stage 1 cancer 2 tumors to stage 4 cancer with 4 tumors. One (1) small one on her lung and three (3) on her brain. M told me I’m strong and it was okay to cry. Usually someone needs to tell me it’s okay to cry then I cry a lot, this time I hardly cried. M held me in his arms and rocked me back and fourth. M asked me if I wanted to get out, go somewhere. I said yea.

M drove me to another Province to see the bridge and we went downtown to see the Parliament building lit up and we met with his friend at a club. M and I danced, I drank 2 beers. I was so emotionally unwell 2 beers made me so intoxicated to the point near the end of the night I don’t remember much, but at the end of the night I was back at M’s. I can’t remember if this happened for sure but, I remember being on top of M and he told me to get off, I didn’t. He shock and said shit, then he took me off him. I got up and felt sick. I had no time to do much. M had to peel me off the blanket and he made sure I was okay and tucked me into bed then cleaned up.

I left M’s to head to work and ask for a week off. They were very cool with that and told me to be with my Grandma. I got home and M texted me telling me he is driving me 11 hours to see my Grandma. I packed a bag and he picked me up.

It was hard seeing my Grandma, she slurred her words and they finally transported her to a better hospital for treatment. I left Thursday November 1st on the train back home. M picked me up at the train station. I’ve been at M’s since Thursday, been staying over at his place for the night. Saturday night November 3rd I had a lot to drink. 1 liter of Woodys, 1 shot of mixed shot (vodka and something else) 1 beer, 2 shots of vokda, and 1 shot mixed (vodka and decilia) I had only drank the 1 liter, the one shot of mixed vodka and something else and beer before M and I with his friend went out to M’s bar to play darts. Once there, had 2 shots of vodka and the mixed vodka and decilia.

I wasn’t scared in going this time. I felt protected being with M. I acted sober the whole time. M and I got back and I’m trying to seduce him, but he wouldn’t due to me being intoxicated and didn’t want me to be sick. During the night, the bathroom floor became my friend, naked and cold beside the toilet multiple times during the night into the late morning. I emptied my stomached and I still managed to empty everything. M walked in the bathroom wondering why I was there. He gave me something for my stomach and a glass of water, both came back up as it went in. He tucked me into bed. My stomach hurt again and I was just getting warm and I’m back in the bathroom throwing up my stomach. I was so sensitive the smell of my own feces made me throw up which I had to in the sink due to the smell. It’s Monday night and I’m still trying to re-cooperate from it.

I’ve been restricting my eating for the past 2 weeks. Saturday I only consumed about 300 calories that day and went drinking. Sunday I must of consumed 250 calories (drank some Gatorade and ate some ice cream) today, I’ve consumed about 300 calories. I just can’t eat anymore, my stomach hurts and I’ve been taking tums to calm my upset stomach.

I used to have a big bulge hanging over my waist line from stomach fat, it’s hardly there anymore. When standing and looking in mirror, my back and front looking on the side has gotten small in width. I may be turning to alcohol and struggling with my sex and eating. Last night M and I had sex and this morning as well. It has helped me, ease my mind more.

Things are hard.

***It has to be a dream***

***Tell me it’s just a dream***

Grandma went for Chemo today. The doctors said she may not make it through Chemo or may die after Chemo. Why the fuck would they want her to do Chemo if it’s going to kill her?! My Grandma has a lot of hope, my cousin sent me this message yesterday, “its complicated. she seems to be getting better but her disease is getting worse”