Hi Susanne,

Welcome to Youthspace (: Thank you for your honesty in sharing your story here. I can imagine that your desperation to change these stalking behaviours has driven you here, and I hope this Forum can be helpful for you.

I get how uncomfortable you are with your Facebook interactions, it sounds like you are deeply ashamed, as this spying and trickery is not in your nature. I can imagine you feel really alone with this struggle! So I’m glad you are here. When you say you are having a hard time changing your behaviour, and that you want to stop spending your time on this I’m wondering if you feel slightly compelled or addicted to this avenue of following/hurting your boyfriend’s ex girlfriends?

One of your main concerns is WHY you are doing this to your boyfriend’s exes. I’m curious if you have thought much about this? And what sort of ideas have come to you thus far.

You’re looking for support in changing this habit, and I’m wondering if you would be interested in trying Email-Counselling? If so, you can email a professional youth counsellor from the EMAIL page on our site. Not only is it free, it’s also not face-to-face which might be more comfortable.

Again, we are here for you Susanne. You are also welcome to Chat in the evenings 6-11pm if you live in Canada. Otherwise, I hope to hear from you soon.

Youthspace

Thank you, Joy, for your kind words about our kind words I am glad we can be here for you when you feel so little support elsewhere…I would guess it feels really lonely for you in the in between times, with no one else around you that quite gets it, or feels safe enough to talk to.

It sounds like you feel stuck between a rock and a hard place: you can either stay in bed and suffer the anxiety of feeling like the world is moving on without you, or you can go about each day with the stress of pretending nothing’s wrong, and with the emotional pain eating away at you inside. I can hear that you feel not quite right (or downright awful) about both, but that getting out of bed each day feels like the lesser of two evils right now. I get the sense, when you say you don’t know what you’re fighting for, that you feel purposeless and directionless, without a significant driving force to help push through this dark time. I’m curious what it is, even the tiniest thing, that might help you get out of bed when your mind tempts you towards that pity party?

I would guess it’s disheartening to sense you are not anywhere near the top of those doctors’ lists, that even though both your physical and mental health are crumbling you still don’t seem to be anyone’s priority. I get the sense that number…95%…feels like it’s on a whole ‘nother planet of achievement in comparison to how difficult everything else is right now. It sounds like you are truly grieving the loss of that dream for your future, and are scared about where you might end up if you have to let that dream go.

I can hear how engulfed you feel by hopelessness, and that you sense it’s getting worse by the day…can I check in about your self harm? Is it getting worse too?

Youthspace.

Hi Alycatxox,

Thanks for taking the time to share some of your struggles with us. I’m hearing that something is going on for you right now that makes moving out seem like a really good option, if in fact it is a legal option for you at 16. Here at youthspace we can’t give you advice about legal rights because we really don’t have all of the answers in that area. We would be glad to work with you to help you find the right person to speak to who might have the answers you need — it would be best for you to contact us through our chat service any night 6-11pm PST or via email at [email protected] so we can connect you with a service in your province that might be useful.

In the meantime, if you want to share more about what is going on for you here on our forum we welcome that and we would love to support you in what you’re going through.

Youthspace

joy,

My heart truly goes out to you. I can hear that you’re in a place right now where you can’t stand yourself…where you want to be able to feel okay, and forgive yourself (even accept yourself), but your mind is trapped in this self-hatred and sadness. I get how it feels like every single move you make and word you speak is an unbelievable effort. In some ways, it seems like you know that you can think and feel better, but right now it seems impossible when everything is heavy. The way you’ve expressed your heartache tells me that it’s so intense that the emotional pain is becoming physically painful as well, and adding to the pain of physical illness. I can imagine it feels like you are being hollowed out inside by this anguish.

I can hear too how your fears about your parents’ reactions are intensifying things for you. It seems (correct me if I’m wrong!) that there’s a battle inside of you, where on one hand you want to be able to be accepted for who you are, no matter what kind of person you are attracted to…while on the other, you just wish it would all go away, and that you could be straight and not have to fear the alienation and pain that you worry your parents would aim at you if they knew. It seems like perhaps the values that you grew up with are part of what’s making you hate yourself at this point?

You say it’s so hard, and I completely believe you, Joy. I want you to know that we *are* looking for you. Please keep letting it out here when you need to. I am very sorry to hear about how your other safe place is slipping away right now, when it seems like you need those places very badly. Please let us know if there’s anything we can do to help connect you to other supports.

It’s okay to be down, and you definitely don’t have to apologize for needing some support, and I hope you do continue to reach out (even if — no — especially if — your brain is telling you that you don’t deserve it), because I can tell that this is a really rough time for you.

Youthspace

Hi Joy,
I definitely remember you…I’ve been here for a while, and remember reading — and being caught by — your very evocative and emotional poetry. So there you go.

It warms my heart to hear that you felt supported here in the past, and I think it’s wonderful that you’ve been able to sit on the other side of things and give support to other people who were in need of it. That’s pretty cool! I can tell that you believe this kind of empathetic support to be important, and I’m really glad that you continue to reach out when you need it as well. Seriously.

I can hear that things have been rough in the last while — it sounds like the health issues set off a landslide in your life. From the sounds of it, you’ve gotten trapped in the health care system in a bad way, and I can sense that there has been a great deal of frustration, interminable waiting, and pain associated with getting the medical help you need. I can hear in your words how it has impacted other things, and brought up a few of the struggles you had wanted to leave in the past. Joy, I know that must be really saddening for you, and leave you with a sense of futility and hopelessness…and I would guess that these feelings were a large part of what led you to self-harm after being clean for so long. Is that kind of correct?

I can hear how disappointed you are with yourself, and with the kind of unravelling you’ve seen in yourself over the last while. I can imagine it feels hugely disheartening after having reached a point where you were doing well…kind of like falling down a mountain you’ve been climbing for a long time, and knowing that you have to climb it all over again now. I get how there are times when you feel so disgusted with yourself, and so unhappy that suicide pops into your head again. I am relieved at how determinedly you have told yourself that it’s just not an option… because I know how HUGE of a promise that can be when you’re hurting so badly. Please know that we’re here for you Joy, as always, and if you do have a moment of crisis, you can text us any evening at 778-783-0177 or chat in (6-11pm PST).

I get the sense that the added challenge having to hide your sexuality from some of the less-than-safe people in your life is casting another shadow over everything right now. I can imagine that the feelings of fear and anxiety that that evokes are feeding back into everything else as well. It seems like at a time when you could really use a strong network around you, you instead find yourself very alone, and unsure whether you can even trust those who are supposed to help you not to judge you for who you are. That sounds frightening and difficult. I can hear how you’re just not prepared right now to handle a negative reaction or judgement of that fact that you’re gay.

Totally feel free to use youthspace as a safe place to talk about how these things are affecting you, Joy. We’re definitely here to listen. Also, let us know if you’re interested in other online resources to help with coping and working through some of the mental health difficulties. We tend not to push a lot of resources, as we want to listen primarily, but we might be able to dig up some for you.

-Youthspace (aka The Support Team)

Hi Danielle,

I can really hear how much you care about your friend Bob and how desperate you are for him to see the potential of his life in front of him. I’d imagine it could leave you feeling really helpless to watch your friend sinking below the waves that crash over him and be unable to pull him out of the churning sea. I get the sense from what you’ve said here that Bob has some really incredible people in his life (yourself included) who are willing to keep throwing life preservers into the water in hopes that one of these times he will grab hold of one and be able to swim to shore.

I’m hearing Danielle that watching your friend suffer and doing everything you can to help him keep fighting for his life must be very draining on your own inner resources. I wonder who offers you support while you’re supporting Bob? How do you cope with always being his rock? I’m really glad that you’ve reached out to share your story here Danielle and I hope you will continue to do so as needed. Don’t forget we also have our chat line available 6-11pm PST every night if you want to talk to us live.

We are also here to support Bob if you think he would like to post on the forum or chat in.

Youthspace

Hi Terezi,
There is really no need to apologize! We are here for you when you have time. I’m thinking that perhaps the email counselling available on our site might be a more direct approach to you getting the sort of support you need. Have you tried that service? As you know, we aren’t able to offer advice here, but the email is with a professional counsellor, so they might be able to offer more direction than us. Just a thought.

I really respect your selfawareness, and realization that you need support with some of the things going on in your life. I hope you have some supportive people around you right now. If you want to tell us more about what’s going on we are happy to work through things with you in your own time.

Here for you,
Youthspace

Oh Danielle, I can imagine it felt like such a huge setback for you the day you accidentally wore sandals to work. Sounds like you were starting to feel a little more calm and settled, and that the combination of being betrayed by your coworkers and lectured by your boss brought you right back to that anxious, uncertain place. I get the sense that when you forgot that one minor detail, it triggered that old, all-encompassing fear that you might not be good enough for this job, and that even though in your mind you know it wasn’t a huge deal to violate the dress code, your emotions are stabbing through your confidence with daggers of self-doubt.

It sounds like you really like the job you are doing, but when it comes to the team and how it’s organized you feel a little let down. I imagine it doesn’t help your anxiety to sense you’re not being well-trained, and that it might feel as though every task you’re not totally sure on is a test or a trap to set you up to fail. It seems to me that you feel very vulnerable to your anxiety in those moments when panic takes over and you can’t stop the tears, and I would guess it makes the anxiousness worse to have to fear being overwhelmed by emotion on top of all the other worries.

I’m glad to hear that talking things through can be helpful, that’s precisely what we are here for…to listen and support you. You are welcome to use this forum whenever you need to express your thoughts, and we are also available to you in live chat from 6pm-11pm PST. I’m grateful that you found us, and I hope you’ll keep checking in when you need to

Youthspace