Hello jolygator, welcome to youthspace. i know it can be a bit of an awkward jump when you first start typing….so thanks for pushing through and telling us what you’re feeling.

It’s awful that you experienced so much abuse, and are still fighting some of the effects of that experience. it sounds like you are still haunted by the memories. i can only imagine how painful it is to still be seeing the abuse (in nightmares and repeat video in your head) even though it’s not happening physically anymore. It almost seems like it’s still happening mentally and emotionally and causing you to feel all sorts of uneasy feelings. 🙁 And feelings can be really difficult – like right now how you describe not liking either the good or bad emotions. I might be wrong, but it sounds like you don’t trust or feel okay with the good emotions and the bad ones are just deeply painful to have.

And emotions are sometimes so complicated. It sounds like on top of the emotions that you feel, you still care about the person who did this abuse. What a conflict to feel inside – to be in so much pain but still miss the person who did this to you. I would imagine it leaves you wondering what to feel, and i can hear how it makes you just not want to have the feelings.

Heavy stuff, joygator. We’re here to listen if you want to keep sharing and we care about your experience. You can also chat live with us if you want…we’re open 6pm-midnight Pacific Standard Time every night.

<3 Youthspace.ca

eemm.y,

Thank you for sharing that with us. It pulls on our ol’ heart strings to hear that we helped someone in their times of need. <3 Let me know if I'm wrong, but I sense that you're in better head space.

Take care,
-The Youthspace Team

Hi TigerMama,

You’re welcome. I’m glad the forum helped you feel understood. <3 You are always welcome to post here, but also know that you are always welcome to chat with us directly though instant messaging (via our site) or text (778) 783-0177. We are here every night from 6pm to midnight Pacific time.

-The Youthspace Team

Hi TigerMama,

We’re so glad you found this site too, since it sounds like it’s hitting a sweet spot for you right now. <3 And it can be super meaningful to find a place where you feel like your story can land....especially since you mention how you've lost your friend as a piece of solid ground and perhaps that means your soul has been circling, looking for a place to set down and rest. It's tiring to continuously be searching for that space.

Thank you for sharing so openly with us and others. Our forum doesn't get as much use as it used to, but people still do read it, and it's entirely possible that someone out there is feeling so much of what you're feeling and might get a sense of relief from knowing that they're not the only one. The same goes for your "stories within stories, nightmares within nightmares" post, which was powerful and evocative. From both posts, I can really get a sense of how deep and complex your emotions run. You mention being highly sensitive and gifted, and it seems like those things are reflected in the raw and detailed nature of what you've written. From what you've put here, I get the impression that you pick up on nuances (like the subtle pressure to be happy, or your brother's possible uncertainty) and that you find yourself swamped by the resulting emotions...and maybe anxieties. I can hear how that same sensitivity can leave you feeling huge things when you think about the pain (or, specifically the *isolation* with pain) that people feel everyday on a bigger - societal - level. Am I correct in getting that you feel that your incredible capacity for sensitivity seems to also leave you open to waves of empathy and concern that threaten to drown you?

Alongside the general overwhelming sense of powerful emotions, it sounds like there are also some specific dreads that are haunting you...the almost tangible sense of hopelessness that you mention and the worries that you won't find people who love you for YOU or even find a sense of belonging. You mentioned feeling a deep sadness for the fact that so many of us are struggling alone, and I can hear how much that's a part of your pain too - that you're really struggling with that isolation and fear that people don't want to be around you.

It seems like you're exhausted, and yet also striving to comprehend and to find a way forward. You yearn to be able to do more and help others - maybe even to heal some of the loneliness and pain that others feel - but don't currently feel strong enough with your feet under you. I might be wrong, but it seems like maybe it's agonizing for you to feel hampered and drowning when you also feel that you have the potential to do more?

We think that you've got some powerful words to share. Your own words here, and the quote you shared show that. You've made us think!

-The Youthspace Team

Hi ContemplatingOzryn,

It sounds like you feel stuck in a fog, like everything is gray. I can hear how uncomfortable it is for you not to be able to feel more than just a bit of sadness sometimes, and how much you want to figure this out so you can change it. I get the impression that you’re feeling lost about why you feel like this – you’re not sure if perhaps it’s a side-effect of the medication or not, and it’s making you worry that perhaps something is just “off” inside of you. Definitely not comfortable to feel like you can’t feel love like you expect to be able to.

At youthspace.ca we don’t give advice, and we’re not able to say what might be wrong, but we can certainly listen, if you want to talk through it to see if that helps.

Since you mentioned wondering if there’s something wrong, I wonder if you’re looking for a place to start exploring what that could be? This site can be a good one…it has tests for various issues: https://mindcheck.ca/

<3 Youthspace.ca

Hi AncientCross,

Welcome to Youthspace.ce. Thank you for posting and telling us about the discomfort you’re having at home. It sounds like you feel very victimized and hurt by the way you’re being treated by your mom and step dad! Heartbreaking…not only to feel unfairly accused, but to have it come from people that you probably wish you could rely on for support and encouragement. 🙁 I can hear that the way you’re being treated is affecting you badly.

For what it’s worth, nobody should have to feel unsafe and unfairly treated in their home, by the people who are supposed to care for them. We’re here if you would like to talk more about it. Seems like you’ve been alone with this for a while, and I imagine it must feel sometimes like you’re just getting smaller and smaller as you try and avoid conflict with your mom and step dad. It’s painful to have to be alone with feelings like this.

If you need to talk more, you can try chatting to Youthspace.ca when we’re open (6pm-12am PST). Or, if we’re busy or closed, you can try chatting with or calling Kids Help Phone. You can also respond here on the forum! We’ll do our best to get back to you within 3 days.

Stay strong. <3

-Youthspace Team

Hi legowarrior105,

Thanks for sharing your story here on the forum 🙂 I really get the sense of how your life is feeling completely absorbed and overwhelmed by school right now. You’re dedicating so much time to your studies and I really hear how exhausting that is. It’s leaving you with no energy, it sounds like, to enjoy other things going on in your life. I’m guessing it might be a little frustrating to see your friends make time to relax and enjoy themselves while you’re worried that if you do that you won’t be able to keep your grades up. I imagine that frustration might be made a little worse by seeing them get grades higher than yours despite how much time you’re putting in.

I imagine that sense of overwhelm doesn’t seem like it’s going anywhere either with university coming up soon. I can understand why you would be worried of what life will look like when you start university and how you will manage all this stress then. Congratulations on getting into university, with all this hard work you’re putting in I imagine school and grades are really important to you! Sometimes when things are so important they can feel even more stressful.

It looks like you’re looking for some direct advice of how to cope with all of this stress and hoping to find some solutions before starting university. I know that everyone copes differently with stress and lots of people have different strategies. If talking more about this or maybe brainstorming some strategies would be helpful you are welcome to use our chat function which is open from 6-12PST every day. If you’re looking for some more specific resources around coping with school and stress let us know and we can try to find some good ones for you!

<3 Youthspace

soso,

Thanks for reaching out with such honestly and vulnerability. I get how getting everything out in the air could help lift a bit of the heaviness off your chest. I can hear how hopeless the future feels to you, and how exhausted you are of trying to cope with all the pain. I get the sense that you have been struggling with such agony for a really long time now, and I can imagine how heavy that burden could feel day after day.

It sounds like SH has been one of the main ways you can cope, and that at times you think your only option is to kill yourself. I’m relieved to hear that you’re still trekking on even though it’s feels so impossible, and that you have been able to get support from your psychology intern throughout these tough times. You make it clear that you think she is wasting her time on you, and I can only imagine how hard it must be to reach out for help when you feel like you don’t deserve it. Maybe this will be hard to believe right now, but I hope you know that your life matters, and that you are worthy of all the support you get from her (and anyone else). With that said, I can understand how hard that may be to hear when it feels like you’re just barely living, and not seeing any progress despite your efforts. I wonder if you have been able to talk to your psychology intern about how hopeless and worthless you feel.

Thanks for clarifying that you don’t plan on killing yourself at this moment. It was a big relief to see that at the end of your post. Still, I can hear all that desperation and pessimism about your life, and I’m worried about you. I get the sense that you really want to find an escape, any escape from all the pain, and right now the only escape you can find are self-harm and suicide. That must be a terrifying and lonely place to be in.

We are thankful that you reached out, and please know that you can post here anytime, and we will give you whatever support we can. Alternatively, you can also chat or text in anytime between 6pm to midnight PST if you ever want more immediate and on-going support. No matter what way, we are here for you, soso. Stay connected.

-The Support Team <3

• This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Youthspace.