It feels like my heart is going to explode out of my chest. I have absolutely no control over my mind. When I am home and finally relaxed after the day it is like I slowly melt and everything floods out of me all at once and it is an overwhelming rush of emotions. I feel everything all at once and it is like an assault on all my senses and a negative thought overload. Every horrible thing I can think of or feel about myself I feel in that moment. It is pure hate and anger and I just cry myself to sleep because I am too much of a coward to make it stop. I have been trying to read something fun or studying when it hits but it hits so hard that I can’t focus on anything but the emotions.

I just want to fade away.

I think I got ahead of myself. I am back feeling pretty shitty and I am scared that I am going to stay in this forever or long enough to where I have destroyed everything of myself. I feel like I am dying, or just floating through life. The eating disorder* is so volatile * and I am so tired of it. It has totally consumed me and I just want out of this viscous cycle I have created for myself. I am at a loss…

The darkness is falling and the men are coming
With their pins and needles and sickly sweet smiles
You better get running
The water is flooding and the secrets are gushing
They are coming for you with cages and chains
You better get running
They are creeping and crawling, popping and snapping
Draining the colours and whitewashing your world
You better get running
Blinding and corrupt they keep trudging
Menacing and quite they, sneak, hide and seek, slowly they peek
You better be running
Grace and mercy they don’t speak
Straightjackets out and ready to play, sinister giggles echo about
By God You better be running!
Run, run, run away as fast as you can …
You can’t catch me…

*Edited by the Support Team to remove triggering content

I am so worn out from this façade I put on for everyone. I just want to throw my hands up in the air and say fuck it and fuck everyone, I am not perfect and I just want to be, I just want to live. I know I have so much to offer but I keep sabotaging myself. I want to be able to not care. Yes I have some really awesome people fighting in my corner, without them I don’t know what I would do. To just come and talk here helps a lot, to have no one know who I am I feel so much freedom, especially with my writing. Today was a better day.

The Burning

One by one the mountains fold, like cards in a deck
Black streamers line the ceiling, flowers by the bed
The music echoes through the empty hearts as sorrow fills their souls
Grey eyes burn in torment as dust turns to ash
Lifelike figures dance upon the walls
Shadows in this waking world, lost without the ache of hope
promise me strength, promise me light
You are my saving grace
my last grip on reality
tears quietly streaming, anguish flowing,
from every pore of your existence
the bright florescent lights cast disfigured limbs into mirrors
Grace has forgotten the hopeless, the desperate the disheartened
the truth is crawling through the cracks, stumbling up from below the deck
I miss feeling
Pain
So peaceful after
the burning

Thanks I find it hard to express the depth of the darkness in a normal conversation, nothing seems to show how deep the hurt is, so I write. The thoughts of suicide do go through my mind but they scare me, I don’t like the idea of them because I know I love life and I know I would regret it, but the idea of silencing all of this noise in my head…I would not say I am suicidal. I am talking because I don’t want to end my life, I am grasping onto anything I can to keep me sane. I am just really low and sad. I feel like I am a robot just going through the day before I can get home and break down. Tears flow constantly, my favourite part of the day is going to sleep or my run. I used to love school but I can barely get myself out of bed and out of my house, whenever I can miss I do. I feel like I have failed everyone. I just have nothing left to give.