Dan,
I’m glad to hear that the quick thinking hasn’t been an issue this week, but I can hear how exhausting this rollercoaster of emotions has been for you. Seems like you are really hurting for a break form this twisting track that drops you down to emotional lows just to throw you back up in the air the next moment :S

When you say you want a break I’m wondering what sort of break you are hoping for? I get the sense that you are relieved everything is good with your roommate, yet the place you live is still an upsetting environment to be in. Being left alone with your caregiver and her friends is isolating for you, and you are left feeling like an outsider in your own place No one should have to feel like a foreigner in their own home.

How are you taking care of yourself in these discouraging moments Dan?

Keep us posted,
the Support Team

Jay,

There’s so much going on for you: so many emotions and thoughts fighting for space in your mind. Like crashingwave, I’m inspired by you, by the strength that you show by working things out here, and trying to keep as much positivity as possible.

So sorry to hear about your high school friend, Jay. I have no doubt that hearing about the accident was terrifying and tragic on a number of levels. Certainly the emotional fallout seems to have stirred up all kinds of emotions that perhaps you were not prepared to feel all of a sudden. I can hear how guilty and exasperated you are at yourself for still feeling inexplicably unhappy about “small things” when this other family seems to be facing a pain that seems naturally more devastating…and on top of that sits your own feeling of grief, and a lot of sudden questions about what it means to people to lose someone like that. I’m glad that, in a strange way, it is providing some motivation to be on better terms with your parents…but even that is not without its bitter undertones from what you’ve said, and you’re left wondering why it takes a tragedy to elicit respect and care from your own family. :S

You’re really seeing how strong an impact sleep has on your life, hey Jay? It’s good to hear that the sleeping pills have been giving you a measure of relief, even if the night time is still often rife with emotional lightning storms. I do think that it is important to seek out some of the things that can help us cope through the toughest moments, and I can sense that you are fighting hard to do just that. Definitely the friend that is supporting you is part of that net that can catch you in the worst moments, when the universe seems to be throwing awful and agonizing at you at once. I know I already told you how inspiring you are, but I’m going to add that taking your friend out to dinner to express your gratitude is one of the most amazing things I’ve ever heard. I’m so glad that it was a positive experience for you, and that it brought you to a place of feeling like you were less of a burden (from what you’ve told us, I think you got it exactly right when you said that it’s important to your recovery). It sounds like talking with your friend also dramatically changed the way that you think about mental illness; I wonder if opening up the conversation about the reality of mental illness helped you feel less anger at yourself for the feelings you are having?

Those feelings – especially the agonizing grief, disappointment, stress and loneliness that seem to be part of the storm that you find yourself in when your mind won’t stop at night — are clearly still huge, Jay. I can only imagine how devastating it is to wake up in the middle of the night to feel your world crumbling around you, or to not be able to sleep at all, and just need to scream to get the pain out of your aching heart. We are here to listen as you talk (write?) through the disorientation and weariness of those moments. I can hear how enormous the struggle is sometimes, and I respect the effort that you are forcing yourself to put into sorting out your thoughts, even when you are faced with the added anxiety of doing it alone.
It’s also shows great awareness that you are identifying what some of your emotional triggers are. I wonder if you feel better prepared to cope with them if you can name them?

Keep connected Jay; as long as you are writing, we will be here to listen to the triumphs and the setbacks.

-The Support Team

Oh Jay, I am so glad to hear that you’re finding the good days are coming more often for you lately, although I would imagine when you are immersed in hard times, they aren’t made any less excruciating by being fewer and father between. I would guess you are feeling both relieved that there is a flicker of light at the end of the tunnel, and exhausted that the light still seems so far away from where you are right now.

I can hear how tormented you are by guilt that you might be laying more at your friend’s feet than he can sustain in your friendship…it seems as though you’re torn between meeting your need for companionship and meeting his need for autonomy. It sounds like you’ve been considering adding another support to your life in the form of a professional doctor or counsellor, and are weighing the fears you have of being rejected by a professional helper against the fear you have of losing the close connection you have with your friend. It can be a bit of a journey to find the right support professional, and I would imagine with everything else you have had going on for you lately it’s absolutely daunting to think of embarking on yet another big change. Know that we will continue to be here for you wherever that journey takes you

I’ve been really impressed by the level of self-reflection you’ve shown in your posts here…I can imagine that in some ways it’s frustrating to spend so much time and energy in your own head, but I can also see how it helps you to formulate plans of support by analyzing what has and has not been working for you. It’s an amazing process to see, thank you so much for continuing to share here for us and others. Here’s to a continued good day, indeed, and many more besides!

Keep connected
the Support Team

Hi Martin,

Whew. I’m glad to hear that the storm has passed about the party. I know that was a pretty huge source of added stress, and I bet it’s a relief to have it fading away behind you.

Sounds like things have been on a bit more of an even keel lately, and that even grad is becoming a bit more bearable to think about. I get the sense that you’re still frustrated and saddened a lot, but that those feelings are not driving you to think about ending your life in the way that they were. Honestly, I relax a bit when I hear that. It doesn’t mean that things don’t still suck – and I understand that they sometimes really do – but just that you’re at a point where death doesn’t seem to lurk quite so scarily close.

Still, on that note, you mention that the thoughts are still there, and that you feel like nothing is changing for you in the long run. I wonder if you’re questioning whether the fact that they are still there means they could overwhelm you in the future sometime? :S

Here for you,
The Support Team

Welcome, indigoskies,

I can really hear how burnt out you feel from the years of unexplainable pain and sadness that you continue to suffer through. I can imagine that after 2 years of this, it probably seems like it is never going to change, and you start asking yourself what that means.

It must be very confusing to feel such hatred and desire such destructiveness for yourself when your logic tells you that you have no reason to do so. It’s like when you look at your life objectively, it seems to be just fine — but that doesn’t match the agony and despair that exists inside of you. With no way of placing the feelings you’re having, you become mad and exasperated with yourself; I can hear how deeply you are interrogating yourself, trying on weakness or self-absorption for size, and trying to find the source of the emotional pain.

It sounds like the thought of living with this disembodied hurt is becoming too much. Is suicide on your mind, indigoskies? When you talk about “throwing your life away”, it almost sounds like that is the case…and I can hear how even that idea creates guilt and anger — like you don’t deserve to want to hurt yourself because you don’t have “real problems”…

We know that emotional pain doesn’t always make sense, even if it feels intolerable. We are here for you.

The Support Team

Hey Dan,
Thanks for writing When you say you’re feeling physically sick I’m thinking that sometimes your layers of pains are tied together….like emotional pain triggers physical sickness? I can only imagine how unstable you feel, unsure when the next wave of alarm bells will hit you, sending you reeling, trying to hide from the pervasive shrieking that pierces through your ears down into your heart, awakening the painful thoughts of loneliness and isolation that you hold inside.

I get the sense that your experience of seeing all the goodbyes at the end of your day on the handyDART was upsetting for numerous reasons. Not only did it remind you of the fragility of relationships between people and careworkers and the lack of authentic relationships around you….but I’m thinking that maybe you also felt vulnerable, unable to choose how your time was spent…sitting there witnessing this intimate moment between other people.

My heart aches to think of you holding all this pain inside yourself all day Dan. Thank you for speaking up for yourself here. When you say you have “two choices” I’m really aware how present suicide is as an option in these tough times. Which option are you planning on taking Dan? I hope that you mean you will continue to fight as strongly as you have been for life.

the Support Team

Hi Jay,
I’m getting the sense that posting on our Forum is helping you sort stuff out, rather than having all the thoughts jumbled in your brain.

I’m so sorry to hear about your loss Jay. You must be feeling very devastated, amidst everything going on, to have to experience grief of someone that was so dear to you. It sounds like you were very fond of her and have some pleasant memories together. I can hear that on the one hand you feel like you shouldn’t think about yourself at a time like this, but on the other hand it hurts deeply to lose her, even after the time that you had leading up to her death. The timing sucks, and it sounds like it’s leaving you dealing with shame about your reaction on top of the struggle that already existed. :'(

I get a general sense that change is on the wind for you…like it feels as though things are shifting in your emotions. Whether that change is a good or bad thing seems to be a question loaded with anxiety; I can imagine that when you’re feeling like you’re walking a tightrope already, the thought of an uncertain change in how you’re feeling could be frightening. And from what you’ve seen of this shift already, it’s hard to gauge whether it is something that might help over time, since it’s allowing you moments of light, but the dark times are that much worse. :S I’m hearing that things still feel out of control, and that you’re both relieved and scared to find that you’re leaving that state of 50% behind…I wonder if it’s getting difficult to know HOW you feel, when your emotions so often seem to be running in opposite directions?

You have a valuable support in this friend of yours. And it is incredible that you recognize it and are able to express your gratitude to him. I can hear that on some nights, when things are really bad, he can be the anchor that helps hold your feelings in check, and that he pulls you out of the worst moments more quickly than you can alone. Even just the thought of having to face some nights without him there is awful…it gives me a very good idea of how horribly low some of those nights get for you.

We get an interesting view into people’s lives when they post on the forum, because it’s all through their own words. Here is what I feel I can see of you, from your posts: you are deeply aware of your own emotional state, and want to be able to deal with it and feel better and less overwhelmed. I can see that you are struggling sometimes (especially at night) to keep your head above the emotional waves…but that you really want to be able to work through these things. And to that end, you work hard to find the little moments of light in the darkness. I really respect how hard you’re trying, and the pact that you made with yourself about going to see a professional, even though it hurts you to think that you might have to…it can take a lot of energy to force yourself to think about doing something like that.

Regardless of whether you seek professional help, you can certainly keep “thinking” things out here. I hope that it continues to be a good sounding board for you when your mind is buzzing with thoughts and stresses.

Here for you next time, every time.
The Support Team

Hey there Jay.

It sounds like things feel like they are spiraling, falling down around your attempts to hold them together. It’s good that you were able to put fingers to keyboard and write it out here. Welcome.

You say that you’re graduating in a few weeks, and it makes me wonder how much of the anxiety that seems to be washing over you right now is being triggered by trepidation about that transition. My sense is of things coming to an end…like you’ve been walking for a long time, and things made at least a measure of sense, but that when the sidewalk ends, you’re terrified of falling off of the edge. I can hear how lost you are, caught in a whirlwind of doubt and fear about so many parts of your life right now…life after school, the loss of your job as a presence in your life, your family’s expectations and disconnection from your life, the balancing act of using friends as support, and agonizing sleeping problems…

You say that it feels like your whole life is falling apart. I can hear how utterly overwhelmed you feel. It sounds like the stress has never been higher, and you’re wondering how much further your strength can take you…that must be terrifying to be questioning. Especially since, from what you’ve said, you already feel like you’re losing control some days, unable to sleep, unable to do anything but obey those dark emotions that bring so much fear, anxiety, and doubt. :’( That’s scary stuff, Jay. I can hear too how concerned you are that the way you’re feeling and functioning might not be normal. I don’t know enough about your life to tell you that (and normal is kind of subjective), but I can respect the anxious feelings behind your question. Have you been able to talk to anyone about that specific worry, about whether your sleep problems are unusual? It sounds like a cycle of frustration and fear, where you can’t sleep because of the stress, and then you stress and feel angry at yourself for not being able to sleep…?

I get the sense that in the midst of this storm of emotion and foggy fear, you’re desperately trying to hold on to the social connections that are there as supports. I’m sincerely happy to hear that your two friends are there for you, even if they aren’t always available. I’m also hearing the fears you have about overburdening people or losing them from your life. That fear sounds debilitating, and I can hear how constantly it worries you to wonder what people are doing when you’re not with them. It’s like you’re wondering if the ground you’re standing on is suddenly going to collapse…

I’m so glad that you reached out here. You can write to us ANY time here. You can also chat live with us any night 6-11pm (or until 3am from now till April 21st — we’re doing a late night trial). And if you’re interested, we also offer email counseling. Stay connected, Jay.

We’re “hear” for you,
The Support Team