Hi t904,
I can hear how completely overwhelmed you are by the amount of school work that is piling up unfinished on your plate and I’m really glad you spoke up about this troubling situation here on Youthspace.ca. You mentioned that this academic roadblock is fairly recent, you were a “good student” all your life until these past two years. And now, I’m getting the sense that the barriers you come up against when you try to do homework create a huge roadblock that is practically impossible to move past. Did something change for you, that is making school boring and homework such a struggle?

Seems like talking in class has always made you feel uncomfortable, and that the fear of doing presentations in front of the class has kept you away from school in the past. You also mentioned that in the end you did the presentation and it went well…I’m wondering what helped you face the presentation? I’m getting the sense that you are in a similar situation now…having skipped 7days of class in the first month, and avoiding classes where you haven’t completed the work . I’m thinking that you are ashamed to face your teachers, and confused about how you got to this point, asking yourself ‘how did it all snowball into this huge avalanche of work?!’

I’m seeing that the pressure of these unfinished assignments is weighing really heavily on you….so heavily, that you want to disappear from school, and escape into the woods for a few days. I’m thinking that the idea of not having to answer teachers’ questions about where your homework is, or why you haven’t been in class is a very tempting notion.

It’s been a few days since you posted and I’m wondering, how have the past few days at school been for you?

Thank you for sharing your frustrations here with us. We totally want to support you in this, and if you want to Chat thru instant message we’re online 6-11pm everynight.

Stay connected,
The Support Team

Hey DashingDaisy,

I want to start out by explaining that while we have edited some of your post to protect other youthspace users, the Support Team has heard and considered your every word in responding. We totally understand how helpful it can be to write everything out, and we tried to preserve the heart of your story while staying true to our guidelines (which keep youthspace a safe place for all young folks). I can hear how heavily your memories of these sexual experiences are weighing on your mind right now; I’m wondering whether you have ever used the forum at Scarleteen? (http://www.scarleteen.com/cgi-bin/forum/ultimatebb.cgi) Their m.o. is sex and sexuality, and I imagine they can speak to some of what you have expressed here in a much more knowledgeable way. Also, I invite you to seek support on our live chat from 6pm-11pm West coast time; we are able to more readily approach some of the triggering content you’ve expressed in a one-on-one chat.

I’m hearing fear in your voice, that the world might hate you or judge you for the things you have done. I get a sense that a part of you is angry at yourself for being unable to control your behavior in the past, and on top of that you are angry at your father for what he did to you, and at others for being unable or unwilling to help you out of that cycle. I can hear that you are feeling right on the edge of what you can stand, and I imagine it’s scary to think of what’s to come.

It sounds like you have tried a number of different ways to SI, and I get the sense that sex has become the ultimate SI method for you. I’m hearing that you aren’t seeking it out for pleasure, but to relieve the pressure of fear and doubt and betrayal that builds up inside you. I’m wondering how it felt for you to be abstinent for four months? I would guess you are feeling terribly alone and isolated, being put on such a long waitlist for counseling and given the message you are not in need. I’m so glad you’re reaching out and seeking some support, DashingDaisy.

Stay connected…

the Support Team

Hi Deepak2J,

Thanks for writing back! Sounds like you still have a lot of contempt towards your neighbours, for the way they treated you after your generous offer to help fix their pc. I get the sense that noone else knows how hurt and angry you are right now. Seems like you really value your parents and the relationships they have with your neighbours, so you don’t want to cause trouble But at the same time I’m imagining that on the inside your blood is boiling at the injustice of how your help was rejected.

I’m really glad that you took the time to talk to us about how you are feeling, cos it seems like you are pretty alone with your problems right now

I’m wondering, how have you been dealing with this frustration? Does your anger ever get so strong that you think about hurting your neighbours? You mention wanting help, and not being sure what to do…what are you considering to be your options?

Talk soon,
the Support Team

Hey missavery,

I’m glad that you’re feeling supported, and that you feel comfortable sharing your story here.

I’m getting an inkling of how divided you home life is; it’s clear that your boyfriend is a grand support and companion, but it sounds like you and your dad have hit a rocky patch in your relationship. I’m hearing that you two used to be much closer, and that the issue of drugs has really built a fence in between you… I can understand why it hurts to think that you would have to try so hard to win his approval when you feel like you’ve been working so hard and doing so much for him…

I can hear how stung you are by your dad’s judgment of you, and I get the sense that you feel like it’s unfair as well, since his experiences with drugs were so different from what you have had. I can hear how important freedom and independence are to you, and I’m guessing that you also crave his respect. When you work hard to be in control of your life, it must be disappointing to feel like that effort goes unnoticed, or is overshadowed by his perceptions about drug use. I get the sense that you care deeply about your dad, and want to find a way to show him how independent and resilient you are without having to distance yourself from him entirely. You sound totally grounded and confident in your abilities, missavery. I can understand how it would be incredibly frustrating to think that someone you care about so much might not see any of that.

Wonderful that your boyfriend is such a sensitive and helpful support. It’s beautiful to read how grateful you are to have him with you as you sort through everything with your dad. I get the sense that he’s the safe haven for you in the storm.

We’re happy that you’re feeling heard! We’re totally here to be the listening ears.

Smiles,
The Support Team

Hey missavery,
Your writing gives me a sense of how determined you are to improve things for yourself and I wanna thank you for sharing your thoughts with us here, as you go thru this journey. I hope it’s cool that I reply to both your posts under this thread.

I totally admire your desire to find independence. I’m really hearing how important freedom is to you, and am thinking that you feel your freedom is limited living with your dad. I’m also wondering if you feel a need to prove yourself to your dad, show him how capable you are by living alone and supporting yourself?

I get the idea that living at home has caused you a lot of grief, you and your boyfriend do a lot for your father and yet your relationship with your dad seems to be on thin ice. I’m thinking it might be a really stressful environment to be living in, with your dad disapproving of your smoking weed and drinking. Can you explain what you mean by “today my house life slowly crumbled”?

I can hear that your boyfriend has been a very strong support to you over this tumultuous time, and I’m thinking that the love you share has grown as you support each other thru these daily challenges. I get the sense that you feel really safe with your bf, and I’m imagining that he feels like a rock for you, a constant in a world full of chaos.

Know that we are here for you too, to listen as you navigate this chaos.
The Support Team

Hello morge18,

I can understand how entirely frustrating it must have felt to have so much trouble getting through! I’m not 100% certain that I know what was going on there…was it giving you a message that you were in the queue? Or did it just not load at all?

Thanks for your feedback, morge18; I hope that you were able to get connected that night and have the conversation that you needed to have.

Take care,
The Support Team

Hi there missavery (or c*?),

It sounds like you’re a person with some plans! I get the sense that you’re someone who really craves independence, and that you’ve got a pretty good idea about who you are and what you’d like. From the way that you talk about getting out of your dad’s place, I can hear your frustration with him, and how tired you are of having to listen to lectures about your lifestyle. I imagine you might feel pretty misunderstood when he lectures you about his experiences with drugs without really seeing that you take a different approach to them altogether…

h* is a steady support for you, by the sounds of it. I’m guessing that it must be special to have found someone who shares some of your dreams and was able to keep you safe on the streets without taking away that independence.

I’m curious what you mean about your “plea”. What I am hearing is a call for understanding from people, and for someone to care. I wanted to check that I wasn’t missing some other meaning that you might have had when you wrote that.

Thanks for posting, c*. This is a time filled with change and perhaps some uneasiness for you. We’re here to lend an understanding ear!

The Support Team

Hi vaybby91,

Thanks for sharing with us how youve been feeling… I can hear that its been REALLY hard for you lately :'( Im sorry youve been feeling so awful, and was wondering if anything happened to cause the feelings, or if its more just how youve been feeling?

I can hear you struggling with thoughts of suicide and I imagine those thoughts are creating even more isolation for you…? I get the sense youre feeling like no one in the world cares about you… thats must be a really heavy feeling in your heart

I know we dont know you, but I hope you believe we care about you and how youre doing! Im worried about you vaybby91, you seem lost and alone, and desperate for things to change… Im hearing that thinking about suicide is one way youve found to cope with your feelings, but Im wondering if you discovered any other ways (that are life-preserving) to deal with everything youre feeling? How’ve you been getting through your days…

Im happy morge18 gave us a vote of support… they are right, we are “hear” for you (and all our chatters and posters)! Not sure if you checked out our live chat, but we’d love to connect that way too… we’re “hear” to help you any night of the week (from 6-11pm on the west coast).

Stay strong vayabby91, stay alive…

the Support Team