Hello Flowerbud and Welcome to the Youthspace forums.

I am so sorry to hear you’re going through all of this. No one deserves to be discriminated against. It sounds as though these interviews are excruciating and their inappropriate questions about your gender and your height are really making you doubt yourself and feel powerless and judged. I can imagine how infuriating that would be to know you are capable of the work and to have people undermine you like that. I personally think it is very brave and resourceful of you to call Human Rights. I get the sense you’re a determined person.

From what you’ve said, these experiences of discrimination have been so damaging to you, you’re starting to feel hatred towards yourself and your gender. Like because you’re getting the message from these interviews that some parts of you are not wanted, it is becoming so hard for you to hold on to your respect and appreciation of your gender, as if their voices are getting into your head? To feel as if they have robbed you of your gender sounds deeply painful and disorienting. I get the sense you’re starting to feel as if there is no way you can get the jobs you want as a woman and that is making you feel hopeless.

You say that the unfair way you are being treated is leading to you wanting to end your life, and I am really concerned for you. If the thoughts of suicide are feeling overwhelming, please call 911 or a crisis line in your area or feel free to chat in to Youthspace (our hours are 6pm PST- Midnight PST). We really want to support you through this.
<3 Youthspace

Hello Alexia11,

Welcome to the Youthspace Forum. It seems as if you have a huge amount of stress to deal with right now. You mentioned you’ve been self-harming, and I imagine you’ve been in a pretty dark place these last three years and trying to cope with it all. I am really glad you reached out to us to share what’s going on for you .

Your relationship with your friend sounds pretty complicated. I get the sense you’ve been doing your best to be supportive to her and at the same time, feeling really frustrated with her because she is not doing the same for you. I imagine it would be a very draining relationship for you, when it seems as if your problems don’t matter to her and you are not getting the care and support you need too. It sounds like a lot of pressure for you to be coping with her suicidal feelings on top of everything else you’re going through. Does anyone else know that your friend is feeling suicidal?

You said “I don’t know what to do because self conclusion seems tempting.” and I am sorry but I am having trouble getting what you meant. Are you saying that you have thoughts of suicide?

Please know we’re here for you and feel free to chat in as well if you’d like. Our chat service is available any evening between 6:00pm-12:00am PST

Stay in touch

Youthspace

Hello Sophiexx,

I am really glad you reached out to us again. After having a few positive weeks, to have everything come crumbling down around you sounds like it would be incredibly disappointing.

I imagine that turning to your parents for love and compassion and being met by their rejection would be very painful for you. I get the sense you’ve been trying hard to talk with them, to be vulnerable and share your fears and your sadness. I’d guess that would make the fact that it seems like they are ignoring you now hurt even more. I can really hear how much you’re longing for someone to be there for you, to truly see you and understand what it is like for you. I think all of us need and deserve that kind of care and support.

You mentioned how much you want these painful feelings to end and that you’ve written a dark letter and I wondered if suicide is on your mind again?

It sounds like this is a really scary and lonely time for you. Please know, we are always here to listen and help you the best we can. Stay in touch.
<img src="smileys/heart.gif" width="" height="" alt="<3" title=" Youthspace

Hi Suzie,

Glad you found us here at youthspace. I get the impression that you’ve been feeling pretty shattered after your mom yelled at you. Definitely it must have been frustrating and painful to hear the thoughts that you mention come back into your head — it sounds like they are very heavy. You talk about death being nothing, being a cold void in a way, and I can hear how much you want to escape into that void, and not have to deal with things anymore — not try to cope. Suicide seems like it’s becoming a frighteningly real option for you right now.

We’re here for you, Suzie, if you’d like to keep talking. I imagine that after feeling strong and then having these thoughts come back in such power, you might be feeling incredibly alone, hopeless, and defeated.

If you need more immediate support, please feel free to chat in (through the chat icon at the top right, or text us) – we’re open 6pm-midnight PST every night. Or call your local crisis line or Kids Help Phone (1-800-668-6868) if we’re not open. If you are in imminent danger, please call 911.

-Youthspace

Hey Luciana,

Good to hear from you. I imagine there are moments when it’s hard to even describe how you’re feeling because it’s just so tiring and heavy. It sounds like intense exhaustion that you’ve been feeling late: I know it’s really concerning to feel stripped of energy like that. It sounds like the lack of energy and the emotional shakiness are feeding your sadness about not having this guy in your life much anymore. I can hear how much you miss him, and I suppose it’s heartbreaking to want so badly for someone to be there as company and comfort.

Hmmm, I can understand not being able to relieve your intrusive thoughts about him. It sounds like there’s a part of you that wants those thoughts, even as another part rebels against them and tries to block them out. I can hear that it’s soothing on some level to be able to hold onto those idealizing thoughts…perhaps like it’s a comfort to have that company, even if you fully know that it’s largely elaborated by your mind… Certainly it sounds crippling when those imaginings are confronted by reality! And I can only imagine how much stress it puts on your shoulders to be constantly worried that he’ll be around every corner. That must have you on high alert all of the time — I wonder if that’s part of why you’re exhausted?

Well, we’re not experts, but I can point you in the direction of some more info about how to get help in Canada. To get psychiatric help, normally you have to get a referral through a doctor (like a normal GP). Here’s a site that describes some of the different help that you can seek, and gives basic info on how that works: http://www.cmha.ca/mental_health/getting-help/#.VLs6NCwYFqw

If you end up feeling like you want to see a psychologist, which might be another option for you, you can find one through this site, based on what province/territory you’re coming back to: http://www.cpa.ca/public/whatisapsychologist/PTassociations/

Does that help answer your question? Depending on your province and age, there might be other resources that can help you get in touch with helping professionals.

Sending you strength and energy,
-Youthspace

Hey Danielle,

I’m glad you posted. From what you’ve said here, you strike me as a person who is inspired by and curious about life and all it has to offer. I imagine having such wide ranging interests that it could feel paralyzing knowing which way to go. Like having a menu full of desserts you love and feeling as if you can only pick one! Sometimes when that happens, you might end up not want wanting to pick any dessert at all because it can feel as if choosing one means losing out on all the other delicious desserts. I get the sense you’d rather order a taster platter full of desserts and try out a few bites before you make up your mind.

I admire that you want to be a good, knowledgeable and dynamic person and make a difference in the world. It sounds as though right now you feel torn between pursuing a big life and something a little more ordinary. I get the sense you’re not sure what a brave and wise life might look like on a smaller scale than the famous lives of Malala Yousafzai or Maya Angelou.

Not knowing what direction your life might go in sounds like it would be a little nerve wracking especially with the stress of a time line for applying for university. It can be scary to be facing the unknown, overwhelmed with all these choices and at the same time maybe a little exhilarating too, because of all the possibilities the future holds?

We’re here for you as you continue to explore your options. Stay in touch.
Youthspace

Hey IdontUnderstand,

It seems to me you’re teetering on the edge of a huge cliff, facing the big changes that come along with moving out. I imagine it’s a scary place to be, both because you can’t see what’s at the bottom and because you’re emotions have been so unpredictable you don’t know if you can trust yourself not to fall. It sounds like living with and being around your family has been very aggravating lately, but also has protected you from taking steps to end your life. I’m worried to hear that those thoughts of suicide are strengthening as you face such a big transition. When do you move? Do you have supports in your life you can reach out to after you leave home?

I can hear how hurtful it was to have your mom imply you are unbearable, especially since you are fighting so hard to keep a handle on your self harm for your family. I would guess you resent how little your family sees or understands that you struggle within yourself to protect them from the worst of your emotional turmoil. You said you don’t want them to find out you are self harming again…I’m curious what happened last time someone found out?

Know that we will of course be here for you when you need online support through this challenging time.

youthspace

Honestly we’re so glad that you keep using youthspace as a place to let out some of the feelings you’ve been having. As I read what you wrote about what you’re going through right now, my heart was hurting for you, hearing all the pain and loneliness that you’re having to endure. The physical pain without explanation is truly scary — as you said, if you are in enough discomfort to be going to emergency, then something is clearly wrong. I can totally hear how it feels like your own sense of your body is being ignored when you are sent home still hurting, without even a diagnosis to hold onto.

I get the sense that as huge as some of the stress is, it would feel just so much more manageable if there were more people around you who seemed to care about how you’re doing. But instead, you’re feeling alone, like you’ve been dumped in the middle of the ocean, with no life raft, and nobody around to pull you from the waves when you need a hand. It sounds like you are so, SO tired of working to keep your head above the waves that keep beating down upon you. It seems like a profound struggle to keep yourself going when you don’t get the impression that anyone would care if you stopped, or even disappeared. That sense of meaninglessness and isolation gets piled on top of the pain you were already feeling and I can hear how it makes things many times worse. It is hard to care for yourself when you feel like you don’t deserve it, and nobody is reaching out a caring hand to contradict your own disappointment in yourself. At this point, do you feel like it’s making you think of ending your life? (I do remember you saying you would hospitalize yourself before ever acting on suicidal thoughts, so I’m just checking to see if you’re having those thoughts right now, and whether that’s still a safety plan for you…)

Please know that we truly do value your voice, Joy. We are here for you, we want you to be able to survive to share your experiences and your light, so please keep reaching out here, and letting us know how you are doing.