Hi Angelic,

Welcome to the Forum! Thank you for sharing your story and also for your gratitude and appreciation for our existence .

I get the sense that you really want someone to just listen to your experience without them pushing their opinion or judgement. I can imagine how frustrating it is for you to want to vent to others and have them immediately tell you how you “should” live your life. It seems like the type of support you are looking for is the kind that will listen, accept you as you are, and empower you to make the best decision for yourself. We are here for that.

I can hear that your heart is really conflicted right now. The connection you and your boyfriend has is unlike anything you’ve had before. It seems that sometimes you feel jealous and insecure and as much as you try to hold it inside, it somehow manages to escape, even without your permission. I get the sense that your boyfriend’s comments about other girls makes you feel a little better in the moment, but doesn’t answer your uncertainty. I can imagine that you are questioning the way your boyfriend talks about women in general, and how he feels about you specifically. Is that right?

I can hear that you are really grateful for your boyfriend, and the love he gives you. I know he is an important part of your life. I’m wondering what you love and cherish about this relationship?

I really appreciate you sharing yourself and your story here. Feel free to use our Chat service also if you are in Canada.

The Support Team

Hello Anonymous 13,

I want to thank you for having the strength to share your story and to look for help. I can only begin to imagine the emotional pain that you have experienced both in the last year with the traumatic loss of your best friend, and now with her presence in your night terrors. It sounds incredibly agonizing.

I can hear how those moments from last year are still so alive in your memory — so vivid. And the pain that you felt then is still so vivid as well. I’m so sorry for your loss. I can see that your friend was hugely important to you, and that losing her was intolerable to the point where you harmed yourself in order to overwhelm the pain that threatened to overwhelm you.

The night terrors you describe are terrifying. The sadness of having to experience over and over these moments of being with her and then losing her, watching her fall and then waking up to find her looking as she did after her accident…it sounds like the most frightening and crushing feeling. I can see why you are losing sleep because of it — I would imagine that there are times when you fear sleep because of the thought of being paralyzed with these images of her that are so raw, and so real seeming.

My heart cries for your pain. You say that you don’t know if there is a counsellor in existence that could help, and I’m curious if you have tried to seek out professional help before? Is there anything that has helped you to cope with some of the stress and anxiety that is coming up for you as a result of the trauma and these night terrors?

We are very much here for you. Stay strong.
The Support Team

Hey Nie,

I get the sense there are a few bright patches in what continues to be for the most part an overwhelming darkness. I’m glad to hear you’re open to exploring new ways to cope, I wonder if you’ve had a chance to check out those websites we listed and if so what you think of them? (You’re allowed to tell us you don’t want to check them out, too, no pressure)

I would imagine it’s hurtful for you to know your parents are preparing for your death with insurance while travelling, as though they are boiling your life struggles down to a financial matter. I am guessing it leaves you feeling very misunderstood that they miss the mark on what really matters to you, and what you really need them to support you with.

I’m glad you keep talking through things with us, Nie.

The Support Team

Hey Emma,

I can hear how frustrating and exhausting it is for you to fight this battle for so long. Some days are better and other days are worse. I am glad that you get to see some relief from time to time. I can imagine that you feel a sense of serenity and freedom in those moments.

It seems like in the summer and certain other times, you are not as troubled by it and find a way to not do it. I’m curious if there is anything that makes those times different from the other times, when it is at its worst?

Sending lots of love and strength,

The Support Team

Hey Pro,

Humans are very strange things indeed. If you ever truly figure them out, please let us know, okay? Because I know how it is to look at your own behaviour and find that you can’t make heads or tails of it.

And it sounds like you’re continuing to wonder at yourself, not only “why did I do that?” but also “I just know I’m going to do that again”. I can hear that part of your frustration comes from seeing that you’re likely to put things off again and again, in the same way that you have before. What you said at the end of your message made it sound like you’re running on a treadmill, trying to deal with your anger at yourself from things that you have let slide in the past, all the while fighting to keep from falling off of the stuff that is still coming at you.

I can imagine that the exam tomorrow might be pressing down on you pretty heavily today…because it sounds like even though you know it’s worth a lot of your grade, you’ve been simply unable to make yourself care about it, even though you want to. It sounds like your mind is running around in circles trying to sort itself out, as the minutes pass by that you could be using to study. I can imagine how aggravating that is. Know that we’re here if you want to talk about how the studying and exam go for you.

It’s great that you have dance to keep you sane — dancing can be a very feel-good thing to do, and I can tell that it’s important to you.

-The Support Team

Hi Emma,

Thank you for taking the time to share your story with us here. I can hear how long you’ve been struggling with this issue — it sounds as though it’s both painful and embarrassing for you and I’d imagine that only adds to the frustration in being unable to stop. It sounds as though you have a birthday coming up that is really causing you to reflect on how long this problem has been with you.

I wonder if there has been a time since you were 6 or 7 where you were able to stop or where the urge wasn’t so great? Are there times now when things feel calmer for you?

We are here to support you in your journey Emma — and we also have a live chat service nightly 6-11pm PST (and until midnight on Fridays and Saturdays) if you ever want to chat and get a more immediate response.

The Support Team

Hello Proprocrastinator.

It sounds like your wheels feel like they are spinning, and you needed a place to let some of it out. Welcome to youthspace — I’m glad you came to share your thoughts.

I’ve never heard of the idea of cowpaths before, but I can see why it’s such a compelling metaphor for the way that we sometimes live our lives. From what I can gather, you’re feeling somewhat like you’re stuck in a cowpath yourself… but you’re a smart enough cow to see the path, and realize that you could walk over where the tree used to be…and that part of what’s frustrating you is your inability to do so, even though you see it for what it is? I would imagine you feel trapped by the paths that you see but cannot break out of…

Frustration seems to be a theme in your writing here – and I can hear that you are very angry with yourself for not being able to grab control of the parts of your life that you feel are spiraling. Even more than that, there seems to be nervousness in your words that things are getting much worse than they normally are, and that perhaps they’re starting to escape your control. You’re looking at yourself, and seeing that things that would usually motivate you (like having a girl over) don’t have as much power as they normally do, and it sounds like it generally has you wondering if something bigger than the cowpath phenomenon is causing you to fall back into habits that you don’t like to see yourself in?

You talk about loving the idea and theory of organizing your life, but feeling paralyzed when you actually try to make those thoughts into realities….which feeds into the feelings of irritation. Have there been moments in the past where you were able to beat that paralysis?

I’m worried for you Proprocrastinator, being stuck in this paralysis. I know you’re waiting to talk to a therapist but if you want to explore other resources and options we can work with you on that.

We are here to listen and talk if you want to keep sharing your reflections on your experiences. If you’re in Canada, you can also try out the live chat between 6 and 11pm PST (or 6pm-midnight on Friday and Saturday).

-The Support Team