Forum Replies Created
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Dan,
I can hear from your words how lost you are and how the idea of taking care of yourself feels entirely overwhelming. It’s as though you’re caught in the ocean tide and waves crash down on your head each time you try to take a breath.
That feeling of panic sounds so dreadful, Dan and my heart goes out to you as I think of you struggling to want to live and seeming so beaten down.
I can picture you on that roller coaster of medications — up and down and backwards. I hope you’ll hold on Dan and lean on us for support when the ride makes you dizzy. We are here to listen
The Support Team
Dan,
I get the sense that you feel these bad thoughts are waiting for you, lurking behind every corner, like one bad turn could have you filled with thoughts of death again.You’re fighting really hard to avoid suicide, and I want you to know that your determination to avoid acting on that sometimes wish to die is really inspiring. We care a lot about you Dan, and want to support that part of you that is courageously fighting to stay alive.
Seems like you are really torn in two directions, wanting your pain to end, but also wanting to survive to see what tomorrow might bring.
I imagine your heart aches when you think about all the people you have lost. Can you tell me what you do to take care of yourself? What does your heart find uplifting?
The Support TeamHi Dan,
To answer your question, we are open through the Christmas holidays with our regular hours (6pm-11pm Sun-Thurs & 6pm-Midnight Fri-Sat PST). Please do not hesitate to reach out to us via chat if you want to connect with someone.
I am getting the sense that you are feeling anxious about the holiday season. I can imagine that Christmas time brings up many emotions for you and that you are already beginning to feel overwhelmed by them.
I am hearing that you are currently feeling certain that you are not a person, but rather a job. It sounds like your day to day experiences with the people in your life do not feel very human and leave you with the impression that you are not a person but a machine that one performs their daily duties on. I can tell you honestly and from the heart that for me and the Youthspace team, you are as much of a person as anyone else out there. I am wondering if in the loop of ups and downs there are moments where you do feel more like a person and how do those moments look like for you?
It sounds like you are really struggling with your thoughts of suicide and questioning if life will be better for you and others if you are not around. It seems really painful to feel so alone despite the consistent flow of others. I can imagine you are missing the meaningful connections that come along with interacting with people. I get the thought that it must be somewhat like being trapped inside a fish bowl, watching the world around you but not getting the full experience. Your strength continues to inspire us.
Know that we are always here for you Dan,
The Support Team
Hello sad,
Thanks for your post. You’re right in thinking that our services are for youth…we can work with folks up to 30 years old, so unfortunately you do fall outside of our age limits at 59. I do hear how low you are feeling right now, and how desperate you are to reach out for help. I commend you for putting your thoughts into words and reaching out for help.
You can access an online chat support service at http://www.vicrisis.ca/ from 6pm-10pm PST, they don’t have an age limit and offer very similar support to ours.
Take care, sad, we’ll be thinking of you
the Support TeamHey Sparrow,
Sometimes we fall back a bit when we’re trying to pull ourselves up. I can imagine that you might feel particularly low right now because you felt like you were doing better, and then had it crash down around you. To put it another way, the darkness must be even harder to take when you remember seeing light so recently.
I’m sorry to hear that things feel really bad again, and that now there’s this extra fear- the fear of wondering if this is something that you can’t escape. I can only imagine how terrifying it seems to you that this darkness is sucking everything that you associate with your SELF out of you.
It sounds like you’ve found yourself back in the thrall of the eating disorder, and discovered, much to your terror, that it has a lot more power than you want to think it does. I get the impression that this discovery has left you feeling incredibly helpless and hopeless. What has helped you, if anything, to deal with the eating disorder in the past?
The tone of this most recent poem – to me – is a great deal more frantic and foreboding than those that you have shared before, and it seems like it probably mirrors your thoughts and feelings right now, where you feel like the pain is unmanageable and it’s leaving you agitated and fearful about what the future might hold. The men that are coming seem very menacing — does that echo your worry that you might end up treated by the medical system in a way that takes away your control? I’m guessing that right now, it seems like there are few good roads out of this pain, and I wonder if it has brought the thoughts of suicide floating back up in your mind?
Know that this is a safe place for you to talk about exactly how you’re doing, Sparrow. I’m glad that you reached out again when you needed to talk about these feelings. We are here for you.
The Support Team
Hi Terezi,
It’s nice hear from you again, even if it means that things are feeling really chaotic. And I do get the sense that it’s been a head-spinning time for you in the last couple of weeks. The feeling of being anxiously unsettled seems to be looming really large in different parts of your life right now.
It sounds like in some ways, things have been feeling okay lately — and that it’s eased your mind some to decrease the drinking and overdoses and harming. It seems like it’s probably a relief to be able to live up to the promise that you made to your friends…. But on the flip side, it sounds like everything is nerve-wracking right now, and that maybe it’s really hard to handle without some of those coping methods. Is there anything that you’ve found that seems to help with the feelings of itchy nervousness and anxiety? You must feel run ragged by the fears that keep buzzing around in your head (especially since you’re so tired from the lack of sleep!) and I would imagine that it might be really hard to face stress about your boyfriend when you feel like something might be lurking — some kind of darkness about to fall.
It’s good that you’re allowing yourself to take it easy after the panic attack — it must have felt like a summation of the panic that’s floating around in you…I get the impression, with the panic attack, and the breathing problems you had with the overdose, that the emotions you’ve been experiencing have made themselves very real in a physical way as well. That must be super scary.
I remember that you mentioned previously having a lot of anxiety in your relationship because you felt as though you were having trouble trusting your boyfriend as much as you wished that you could. It must have been a hard moment for you when he told that he was just acting…how are you doing with that feeling of having trouble trusting him? It seems like maybe it’s also mixed up with a fair amount of worry for him, since he seemed to be feeling so low after being sick?
Terezi, I’m glad that you came here to talk about the things that are on your mind. I’ve seen you show a lot of strength in both supporting others here, and in looking out for your own state of mind. We’ll be here beside you as you ride through this storm.
The Support Team
Sparrow,
It seems like you’re feeling completely confined by the way that people see you, and the way that you have to act to be who they expect. The pressure from that expectation sounds intolerable, and I get the sense that as you keep fighting to live despite it, you’re feeling very worn down. It sounds like there’s one part of you that can’t stand the thought of letting people see behind the mask you wear- for fear of letting them down? — while another part wishes to throw off the shackles, and bare your truth to the world and just not care what anyone sees there.
Your poems, this one included, contain a lot of hints at things being hidden, or obscured, and I can hear how some of those themes are painfully present with you every day, so that you end up feeling a vast chasm between your emotional self and the things that are going on around you. It sounds like being seen and being invisible, all at the same time.
This most recent poem seems to say a lot about the push and pull of pain and salvation, of light and dark, with poor truth crawling through the cracks. I can hear how hard it is to find that thread of truth, especially when you’re exhausted from searching.
I’m glad that you find this to be a place where you can explore ideas and share your writing.
-The Support Team
Hello Livingwithpoison,
Welcome and thank you for taking the time and courage to share your story on our forum. It sounds like you are feeling really disconnected from the people in your life that you are close to. I can imagine you feel very alone even when there is a house full of people.
I can hear how much you long for an escape from reality. The abuse, lack of support, porn and the burden you feel yourself to be to your parents and siblings seem to be festering in your mind leaving you feeling depressed and detached. Nobody deserves to be abused; I’m wondering if anyone knows about the verbal abuse from your sister?
It seems that you have considered ending your life as an option to end the suffering. On the one hand, you believe that others will be relieved that you are not around but on the other hand, you know that it will not be beneficial for you to be dead. It seems like you really want to stay alive for yourself but are having a difficult time wanting to stay alive for the people in your life because you assume that they don’t care about you. I’m curious if you have tried to reach out to the people in your life and tell them how you truly feel?
You can always count on us to be around, might take us a few days to respond but you can reach out to us here or through chat if you need to (6-11pm PST).
You don’t have to go through this alone, we are here for you,
The Support Team
Sparrow, you have such a beautiful way with words…that poem gave me goosebumps. I can hear in it your longing for peace in your world, and freedom from the thoughts and emotions that are tormenting you. Thank you so much for sharing.
I get the sense you feel shackled by your sadness right now, unable to find the energy to face most days let alone enjoy them. It sounds like rather than finding comfort in the thoughts of suicide, you feel tormented by those thoughts as they remind you of how low you have become and cloud your vision of what it is about life that you love.
I’m guessing that because talking about your feelings is so difficult for you, you are also quite isolated with your sadness. Is there anyone in your life who knows what you are going through right now? I’m really glad you can express yourself through your poetry, and we hope you will continue to come here and share when you need to channel some of that energy into verse.
Take care, Sparrow
the Support Team
